"he has persuasive lips but terrible motives."
a story about young people navigating love, friendship, drugs and becoming an adult.
content warnings: mature content and descriptions of drugs, suicide and overdose.
edited in dec 2022.
The next morning when Isabella woke up, she felt like shit. Not just mentally but physically too. She rubbed her eyes and her mascara left black stains on her hands. Fuckshit wasn't in bed with her but instead he slept peacefully in her armchair on the other side of the room. He had been so understanding with her but she wondered what he was thinking after the storm had passed. She moved out of bed and over to her wardrobe, quietly she tried to get a hoodie out without waking him.
"Morning." His voice was deep, just as it always was in the morning. She turned around when she heard his voice behind her.
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"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you... did you get any sleep?" Fuckshit nodded slowly and kept his gaze on her. It hurt her to see him so run down and tired. Especially when she knew she was the cause of it all.
"We need to talk."
"I know.'' Isabella sat down on the floor in front of him and took a deep breath. She had a lot of explaining to do and who knew what would happen after that? Her decisions hadn't been rational and she didn't know if her explanations would make anything better.
"First of all, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to lie to you about... anything. But I knew if Gemma told you... it would've sounded horrible, because it was horrible. And I thought if you found out the truth about the OD... that it would be too much for you, that you would leave..." She paused but she knew she had to keep going. Fuckshit was listening without interrupting her, letting her say everything she needed before anything else happened.
"After what happened with Nick and my pills... I thought..." Isabella was stumbling on her words.
"I thought I was going to lose you."
"So you decided to do it yourself instead? Not talk to me and just end things?" His words were harsh but she deserved it after the rollercoaster she put him through the night before.
"I thought you would hate me... less then. and I... I was high." She hated admitting it but she had taken the pills Gemma had brought with her. Isa had slipped up so many times now.
"Fuck Isa..." He leaned back and let his head fall against the headrest.
"I'm sorry Fuckshit. I wish I could take it all back and redo it. Everything was going so good between us and I... fucked it up." A few tears had made their way down her cheek but she tried her best to keep them in. She didn't want him to feel sorry for her but it was hard not to get emotional.
"Well, you can't take it all back."
"I know..." she looked down in shame and took a deep breath.
"Why would you let her mess with your head? I don't get it ma."
"I met her when I was eight, I was the new kid at school after my mom had to move for a job. She was outgoing and charismatic. I wanted to be like her so I just... followed along. She was the first one to introduce me to drugs... I thought she was my friend, Fuckshit. Things changed when I moved, I could see her more clearly. But when she was back... physically, it was like I was eight again, following after her like a lost puppy." Isa wanted to explain to him but she didn't want to make excuses for herself.
He thought about it for a moment, maybe he couldn't understand it then but a younger him definitely could. Nate had been the friend who always told him what to do and he followed along, until they got booked. That had been his wake up call.
"I get it."
"And I know that you might not want to... fix this. us. I understand that. I know it's been a lot." She had thought a lot about what this situation would mean for them. Would it be the thing that made them crumble? She was waiting for him to say something but he didn't.
"You don't have to say anything right now, okay? Just think about it."
"Okay." Fuckshit said as he got up on two feet.
"I'mma get going." He said and she nodded. Dark hues watched as he moved towards the door.
The silence was the worst part, she would rather have him scream at her because then she would know what he was feeling. The reserved Fuckshit that had been in front of her, she couldn't read him but there was no point in pushing him, he needed time.
//
"Gemma is such a bitch! if I would've been there, then it would've gotten physical." Estee said as they were sitting out in her backyard. A chuckle escaped Isabella's lips.
For once, Isabella had been completely honest about what had happened. She had told her about Gemma, her past and what she did to Fuckshit. It was something she should've done a long time ago. Maybe Estee could've helped her? Maybe she could've pulled her back when she was going to do something stupid.
"Yeah, you messed up but... he has to forgive you! Like, god knows he ain't perfect and that's okay. Cause' everyone fucks up sometimes!" Estee said, turning her head to look at Isa. Her words were comforting because Isa's worst nightmare would be if her friends thought she had done things deliberately to hurt them.
"He might forgive me but... it doesn't mean he wants to be with me."
"Oh come on, it's Fuckshit! He worships the ground you walk on, he will get over it!" Estee reached out and squeezed her hand.
"Don't worry, okay? You two will figure it out." Isabella hoped she was right, she would do anything to make things right again.
"Have you talked to him since then?"
"I called him a few times but he told me he needs more time to think about stuff."
"Fuckshit needs to think?" She asked, surprised.
"Yeah, it worries me." Fuckshit was a talker and it had always been that way. When he was quiet and went off brooding, then it made her worried.
"And the boys? Have you talked to them?"
"Yeah... we're fine. They were just disappointed that I didn't talk to them about what was going on."
"I have to admit, I feel 'em on that one. We all love you and we just want to help you."
"I know... I'm bad at... letting people in."
"No shit!" Estee replied with a smile and they both laughed.
Isabella would give him time and space, she just needed to be patient. He would come around eventually and tell her what he wanted from her. Even if he wanted her to get out of his life... then at least she knew and she didn't have to go around thinking about it anymore.
