"he has persuasive lips but terrible motives."
a story about young people navigating love, friendship, drugs and becoming an adult.
content warnings: mature content and descriptions of drugs, suicide and overdose.
edited in dec 2022.
Fuckshit and Isabella had been talking but he hadn't been ready to dive into the serious stuff. When they did things together, the rest of the boys were around so it wasn't the right time to go into it anyway. It seemed like the rest of the boys had forgiven her and were happy to return to how things had been before Gemma came to visit.
"Are you coming to the show tonight?" Fourthgrade asked while they were sitting at a bench at school.
"Oh shit, I forgot about that." Fourthgrade had promised to film yet another performance of his friend's band. When she thought about the last time they were there, it didn't bring up the best memories. Fuckshit and her had made up that night but it was after she saw him making out with another girl.
"I'll pick you up." fuckshit said. Stevie and Ruben weren't going, they were way too young to even try to get into the venue so there was enough room in his car for the four of them.
"Okay, sounds good." She replied with a nod. Even though they weren't back to normal it was nice to see that he wasn't trying to avoid her and luckily none of the boys had brought up their relationship.
The bell rang and they all made their way back to class. They agreed on Fuckshit picking them up at eight and then they would go together. After school was done, Isabella skated home to get ready. She took a shower and put on a new t-shirt and her favorite pair of jeans. She then did her makeup and just let her long hair air dry, not bothering to do anything more with it so some natural curls could peek out. Isa got startled by the car honking outside, it was Fuckshit. She threw on her jacket and said a quick goodbye to her father before she made it outside.
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When she got outside, she noticed that he hadn't picked up Ray or Fourthgrade yet. It made her nervous. They hadn't been alone together since the day after the party. She swallowed hard and opened the passenger door to get in.
"Hey."
"Hey."
She buckled up and he took off driving. They were quiet for a moment, only hearing the radio softly in the background. Isabella turned her head a little to get a look of him. He had his beanie on and a t-shirt. It didn't really matter what he wore because he always looked good. Isabella had missed him so much, her whole body was aching for him and his touch.
"So, fourthgrade had to go earlier. They wanted some behind the scenes shit so Ray drove him."
"Oh, okay." Her body started to feel hot as she was getting more nervous. If she would've known they would drive there alone, just the two of them, then she would've prepared mentally beforehand.
"I just wanted to tell you something. I'm sober tonight, like fully. I plan on quitting alcohol too, for now. I just wanted you to know." Isa didn't know if he cared but still. She had been feeling abstinence after the pills she had taken from Gemma. And with the breakup and everything going down, she had wanted to take something but she didn't. She had to prove to herself that she could keep off.
"That's good." He replied, keeping his eyes on the road in front of him. It was starting to get darker out as they drove through town.
Isabella took a deep breath. What was she going to say now? She couldn't wait for him to decide about what he wanted anymore, she had given him enough time and space.
"I hope you know that I know... that you're the love of my life." It was too hard to look at him when she spoke. No one had ever compared to him and she knew no one would. Suddenly she felt how he put his foot down on the gas and the car started moving faster. Fuckshit took a left and she knew it wasn't the way to the venue.
"Fuckshit..."
He didn't answer and she didn't say anything more. She recognized the route he was taking, it was up the hills to where he liked to smoke. It had a great view over the city, especially when it was dark and you could see all the lights. He had taken her there on one of their first dates. The car suddenly came to a stop and he got out and shut the door behind him.
"Fuckshit?" She climbed out of the car and went after him.
"You fucking shattered my heart that night." Fuckshit was looking away as he spoke, his words caught her off guard and she felt horrible.
"You said you didn't want me 'cause' you wanted another guy. Fuck! Do you know how fucked up that is?" Isa knew he was the jealous type which was why she told him there was someone else. She knew it would hurt him. In hindsight, she wished she hadn't.
"I know... it was fucking stupid. I promise, there has never been anyone else Fuckshit."
"So you said it just to hurt me?"
"Yes..." it was shameful to admit but it was the truth. He was quiet for a moment as he thought about it all.
"I thought I would lose you no matter what."
"You should've told me the truth."
"I know baby."
"And you should've told the truth about your OD... I would've never let you do shit if I would've known! Fuck, you could've died for real then if your mom hadn't found you. How could you not tell me that?" Fuckshit stepped closer to her, eyes looking down on her.
"Because I didn't want you or anyone else to worry about me! Everything got better when I moved here and I didn't want to be that fucking girl anymore."
"It fucking makes me wonder what more shit you hiding?"
"I promise fuckshit, there's nothing more." He knew it all now. The good, the bad and the ugly. Isabella moved closer and looked up into his eyes, she could see the worry in them.
