𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

goodbyes

blue

i haven't been feeling well for the past few days, i finally checked into the hospital. i've always thought i'd die in a hospital bed, but just for a moment, i thought maybe i would die a cool way. like bungee jumping or while riding silver, at least i would've been having fun. so i feel weird knowing that this bed i am laying on right now is probably the bed i'm going to die in.

at this point i'm surviving, i'm not living.

billie is at her parents house, sleeping. took a lot of convincing to get her to leave, let me tell you that. cole is here instead, i know dad is on his way.

i don't have much time left, i can feel it. people are coming to say their goodbyes. there's something about that i find really interesting. my friends and family wanting to say goodbye in hopes of getting at least the tiniest bit of closure. and you know what closure is? an excuse for people to hold on to something they need to let go. i don't want anyone to let me go.

i almost feel like at each goodbye is someone letting go of my life rope. it's scary knowing in the next 48 hours i'll be gone, and i don't want to be gone. so i don't want people to come in to my fucking room and cry and tell me how much they love me and how they won't ever forget me. it's all depressing and i don't want to die depressed, i don't want to die in this hospital room or this bed.

i've realized that i've neglected the way my family feels that I've been focusing on billie and making sure she'll be okay after i'm gone. but the sad reality is, no matter how much i try, she is going to hurt, she is not going to be okay for a while, but i can just hope that in the end she's going to pick herself up and live her life the way she deserves to live it.

"are you cold?" cole asked looking at my shaking hand. i wasn't that cold, it's my nerves that are making me shake this much.

"yeah, just a little." i answered and hid my hand under the covers. i closed my eyes, breathed in shakily and breathed out just as equally shaky.

"is she cold?" i could hear dad asking from the door.

"yeah." cole replied and they both tried to change the temperature in the room for the next three minutes. you would think they should've figured it out by now, given the amount of times we've been in this hospital.

"carol, mark!" cole exclaimed, i could invision her hugging the both of them tightly.

"hey kid." mark walked in, carol behind him. i only caught a glimpse of the both of them, carol has been clearly crying, eyes blood shot. mark looks so bad, i don't know how to explain it, but i know for a fact he hasn't showered or brushed his hair or changed clothes today.

i didn't reply, not because i didn't want to, but because it took so much fucking energy, that i don't have, to talk. either way they seemed lost on what to say, they looked like they wanted to say everything which led to them not saying anything.

"i love you both so much, if i was ever mad at you or held a grudge over you, know that i never meant it. you two were like my parents over at nyc and i want you to know that it's going to be okay. you're gonna be okay." i lifted my hand to hug mark. carol was crying behind him and came over to hug me once mark and i broke ours, and he stood behind his wife trying to hide the fact that he's crying.

"we should've visited you when you relapsed." carol cried.

"you have a child, you have jobs, you have a life. you called a lot, that's more than enough." i said.