𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

funeral

billie

i can't sleep without stuffy anymore. he has to be cuddling me in order for me to fall asleep. i used to wonder how she got attached to a stuffy because i never saw myself getting attached to an object, but now i know exactly how she felt to the same exact thing.

ivy and mom are here, both for emotional support and to make me look decent for blue's funeral. "i don't know what to say." i stomped on the floor.

"you don't have to stand up there for long billie. just a couple words. maybe tell a memory or a funny story or just how your relationship was. don't think too much about it." mom said.

"i can't not think about it okay! it's her funeral mom, i can't fail her." i let out a frustrated sigh.

"billie don't be mean." ivy spoke up. "you'll figure it out."

"sorry" i mumbled.

"go get changed and then come back so i can finish your hair so it won't get ruined." mom ordered. i nodded, got up and walked to the bathroom. a black long sleeve, a black cardigan, and black flare pants.

"are you done already?" ivy asked from the other side of the door while i looked myself in the mirror. the first time i've seen my reflection in a long time and didn't think i looked awful.

"yeah." i unlocked the door, stepped out and got back into the chair mom was doing my hair at.

"i'll just pin these two pieces of hair back." mom said, before she took two bobbie pins and put one piece of hair on both sides of my head back. "you look pretty."
she finally said once she was done.

i only smiled at her then took back my note pad and pen. trying to think of something that would be appropriate for me to say, when i was expected to talk at her service. still can't think one thing.

it's like i want to say everything to let people know how amazing she was and how loving she was, but because of that i can't seem to find anything i could say. two days ago i announced blue's death on her socials and reposted it on my story, then logged out of both accounts. i can't handle the media right now, but it had to be done.

today is the first time i'm going to see a lot of people after her death. blue's family, my friends, claudia, lucas. speaking of lucas, he never said goodbye to blue and he hasn't even reached out once, i tried reaching him yesterday but he didn't answer. finneas said he went to see him because blue told him to before he left the hospital, he said he wasn't doing well but he had his parents with him.

i personally would've never passed the opportunity to see blue one last time, but i don't hate him for it. blue didn't hate him, so why should i have an opinion over it? he was going through his own emotions and he decided he couldn't do it. his decision, but if he told me he wasn't going to visit before it was too late, i would've driven all the way to his house and dragged his ass to the hospital.

"billie! how many times am i supposed to call you in order to get your attention?" mom said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"sorry, i spaced out."

"i know, wear your shoes now. we're leaving." she said in a sharp tone.

oh. okay. did i do so thing wrong? cause i feel like i did something wrong. my heart sank a little bit and so did my face, i nodded to mom and reached down to grab my shoes and wear them. i had makeup on, i couldn't ruin it before i actually got to the funeral, but this sure as hell made me want to burst out and cry.