𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

fresh air

billie

"fuck." i cried. "why does this have to happen?"

"i thought i was doing fine, but i guess i'm back to square one?" i wiped a tear from my cheek.

"where are you? i used to see you everywhere i go but now i can't seem to find you, even in the places that were ours. i miss you so much. even though i have so many people around me to support me, i don't feel like i have anyone to talk to anymore."

"ivy has andrew, finneas has claudia, mom has dad, cole has kyle, ryle has her man, i don't know what the fuck his name is, my therapist is my therapist, and all the other people i just don't feel comfortable talking to, like... venting to. everyone has their person and i lost my person."

"i almost want to switch places with you." i sniffled. "it's like you deserve to be alive and i'll risk my own life for you to live. because honestly this is not a life, i'm embarrassed with the way i've been living the past week. you can take my place, i don't deserve to be here."

"when will this hurt less? when will i be able to say your name without my heart breaking just a little bit more? and why the fuck does your name have to be a basic color? it's everywhere!"

"you're everywhere but you're not at the same time. fuck, i feel like i'm going insane." i put my hand on my forehead.

"the entire world is enjoying their summer, going to beaches, lakes, fucking clubs. i've been invited to many fucking events and parties, but i can't bring myself to go out. i feel ugly and i'm pathetic and i know people feel bad for me, i know they do."

"i mean i feel bad for myself, because who wouldn't? i can't pick myself up. i- i don't know how to help myself right now. i don't know what to do to feel better."

i zoned out for god knows how long until i remembered that mom sent me a couple videos of blue and i. i debated wether i should watch it now or later but figured she should watch it with me, maybe it'll encourage her to make herself seen. that sounds like i'm trying to congure a spirt.

i unlocked my phone, went to the chat and clicked on the first video. "you're showing her pictures of baby me?" i yelled, eyes widened. "why would you do that!"

"oh come on, you looked so cute." mama said, from the back of the camera, recording us.

"yeah billie you looked so cute with your little pink tutu and you cute little wand and your potty training seat and your face full of food and you balling your eyes out because the cake was green and with your matching curtain bangs and your purple hair and you singing oh my gosh the cuteness was overwhelming i was going to explode!" blue said wayyy to fast.

i covered my mouth trying to contain my audible crying. she looks so healthy and happy and alive but she really wasn't healthy, she was sick in this video. we had no idea. if we knew back then she could be alive now, which makes me so fucking mad.

"see that's exactly what i mean! she's going to tease me till the end of eternity with those photos! she has so many blackmailing material over me mom." i complained, being truly dramatic.

"oh come on billie, she's your girlfriend. she won't blackmail you! she means what she just said, she always commented on how cute you looked." mom said.

"you better not blackmail me." i glared at blue.

"oh i totally will even though i don't have any of the photos. they are all in your mom's phone. i'll totally blackmail you even though there isn't any blackmailing material at all." she sarcastically said. "but i'll always tease my lovely girlfriend." she pinched my cheeks while i continued to pretend to be mad. she kissed my cheek and that instantly brought a red tint to my cheeks and a smile on my face. i miss that effect she had on me.