₁.₀ SUPERCUT; gilbert blythe ✔

026.

How could she have been so reckless?

Every few minutes, Marianne turns over in her bed in order to look at that one dreadful drawer, where that dreadful drawing is hidden. This time, she accidentally catches a look of herself in the mirror and a sigh escapes her lips.

She looks dreadful, too. With her hair completely disheveled, her face red and dark bags under her eyes she resembles some creature from Anne's imagination. It's a product of a sleepless night and a lot of crying done under the cover of her duvet.

And, in truth, it's a product of her own stupidity.

Marianne should never have even though about drawing Gilbert Blythe (no matter how good of a model he might be). It was foolish of her to do so, and careless, and just a very, very bad idea in general. What was she thinking, to keep all those drawing unguarded? Had she learnt nothing from that one time when the boy's father saw them?

God, she's definitely not right in the head.

And not only does she feel humiliation now, but guilt and anger, too.

Guilt - because she lied to Marilla this morning, saying that she wasn't feeling well enough to go to school, that the headache was so bad it made her feel nauseous. She just couldn't face anyone today, she feared (while being completely aware of how stupid it was) that anyone looking at her today would be able to tell what had happened.

Anger - because she quarrelled with Anne the previous evening. The moment she pushed the drawing into the drawer, she marched to Anne's room. Reasonably, she knew it wasn't the redhead girl's fault, but, with Anne's interference in Matthew's correspondence still fresh in her memory, there was a part of Marianne that suspected her of sending Gilbert his likeness on purpose. And so, when she asked whether Anne had borrowed some paper from her without asking first, her voice sounded harsh, an accusatory tone ringing in the air. The fact that the girl would deny acting deliberately only infuriated Marianne more, because it meant that she was the one being awful, shouting and throwing accusations (which, of course, only brought more guilt).

The only thing she can be glad about in this situation is the fact that she somehow managed to avoid telling Anne the truth of the reason behind her outburst. Marianne knows she will have to explain everything sooner or later (probably sooner, since she decided to apologize to Anne as soon as she comes back from school), but for now it's the sole consolation she has.

She didn't even have time to think about the contents of Gilbert's latter, too preoccupied with being unreasonable. Marianne tries to focus now, to remember his words without actually having to reach for the envelope; he's not coming back in the foreseeable future, isn't that what he wrote? That he's not ready to return to Avonlea just yet. Despite being so conflicted, he actually seemed to be glad to have this opportunity to travel the world. And he admitted that he would like to continue their correspondence...

Marianne knows she should be happy for him, but she cannot help feeling somehow disappointed.

Deep down, she wished for Gilbert Blythe to write that he is coming back.

🌼

Marianne meant to talk to Anne the moment the redhead girl returns from school, but she must have fallen asleep. Apparently, the exhaustion from all that worrying finally won, because now, as she opens her eyes, she's met with darkness, both outside and in her bedroom.

Rubbing her eyes with her fists, Marianne sets her feet on the floor. As consciousness comes back to her slowly, she hears a voice coming from behind her door.