₁.₀ SUPERCUT; gilbert blythe ✔

051.

author's note

Am I doing another update (quite irresponsibility, because I don't have anything written in advance) because I couldn't wait? Yes, I am.

de-lia

🌼

Marianne waits impatiently for him to turn around. The boy stops almost immediately after the question leaves her mouth, and she knows he must be debating whether that is what he should do; the alternative being walking away and leaving her in the dark, leaving her behind.

And he takes his time making that decision, that's for sure. It feels so long, seconds stretching into an eternity each... Tears begin to swell in her eyes already as her consciousness whispers that he'll surely refuse to listen anymore... such venomous words it feeds her, fearful, impossible to ignore.

Marianne doesn't know what to do when his face becomes visible once again. There is no time for a relieved sigh to leave her lips - perhaps it wouldn't even be fit, considering she cannot be sure of what's going through his own mind at the moment - and there is no time to fully take in the expression painted over his features. For a few steps is all it takes for him to stand before her, so close that a small movement would be enough to close the gap between their chests.

"Am I resolved on never asking you again?" he asks, voice full of disbelief as he repeats her question. Marianne cannot tear her gaze away from his eyes, glued to her spot by the agitation they hold. "Am I? This is not a fair thing to ask of me, Marianne, you must know that. You are well aware of the fact that... My affections haven't changed. And it is for that very reason that I cannot keep repeating my proposal-"

"Even if I asked you to?"

"Excuse me?"

Marianne blames him not for the fact that he seems taken aback by her words. She would be, too, if they haven't been planted in her mind for a couple last hours now.

Although her voice still comes out shaky when she speaks again, "I was a cruel being. Cruel and thoughtless, and inconsiderate... I have told you," she says, "that my refusal had nothing to do with my feelings towards you. And I spoke of love, so much words about love. But I realise now that love is not nearly enough when it comes to any relationship, yet alone a marriage. Besides, my recent actions stood very much in contradiction to that. They resembled quite the opposite of love. For I kept... I kept leading you on. I refused to be honest with you in the same way you were willing to be with me. And, I believe, I caused a situation when you were forced to guess the contents of my heart. I gave you no other choice, and yet, when you acted accordingly, there was a part of me that chose to blame you for it. I would say that it means for being mistaken, but even now I cannot be sure whether a mistake is what it was. I have come to suspect that it is I, instead of you, who had drawn wrong conclusions... I wanted nothing more but to have you solicit for my attention, and each time you did, I made the choice to cast you away..."

She takes a moment to take a breath, and he uses it as a chance to open his mouth. "I do not understand why you would tell me all of it. I feel lost, Marianne, for I cannot be sure of what it is that you want from me anymore."

"The first time I refused you... I wish I could say differently, yet I believe it could have been the right choice at the time. For I was confused and afraid, and my only regret is the fact that I did not know my mind back then, so that I could have soared you the pain." Marianne doesn't know whether admitting it is actually a good idea. Considering her current intentions, reminding Gilbert of the fact that she's already said no multiple times, or perhaps forsaken the chances to say yes, might not be the smartest idea. "I have never know myself to be stubborn, and yet I clang to that decision for days. I told myself that I cannot give you a different answer for some kind of... some kind of fear. To be honest, I know not what it might have been that I was scared of, despite being terrified of admitting to my own mistakes. It is not without challenge that one comes to accept their faults, and God knows I have proven that I do have many of those lately. And I am so, so very sorry for that... Now, it must be at least impertinent of me to proceed the way I currently am... And I want you to know that you have to obligation to accept me back, but I wanted you to know that I no longer intend to be a fool about this and that I have changed my mind. Or," she adds, "maybe I shall be one after all, expecting you to still want me as your wife after all the hurt I have caused."