Broken Promises

Chapter 10

I was in the hospital for quite a while. I watched the nurses take my blood several times. I listened to the Dr. tell me that I was bedridden until my ribs healed. I watched people come and go as I lay in the bed. I lost track of how long I was in there. I wasn't allowed to leave until they knew for sure that my ribs were healing correctly and the accident wasn't an attempt.

I lost weight while I was in the children's hospital. It really sucked to eat so they put me on a liquid diet. Nothing like blended peas and meat with no fat. My house seemed different to me. My mom spent most of my stay at the hospital with me so the house felt vacant. I stepped over the threshold.

I don't know why the house felt the way it did, but it did. I sighed. I clutched my chest as I took a deep breath. The ribs haven't fully healed yet. I climbed the stairs. With every step, it felt like I was on the verge of dying. My phone rang as I opened my bedroom door.

 I love you, Alicia. I love you so much. With every second, I become more grateful to call you mine. I don't know how I did so right, but I'm so happy that I went through what I did. You have no idea how much you mean to me, beautiful. You are my entire world with a ribbon on top. I would go through hell every single day just to see you smile. God, I don't know what I did to deserve you. Being able to tell you I'm in love with you is the greatest thing. I love you so much, baby girl. I smiled as I finished reading his text. I'm in love with him.

I laid in bed and let the last month wash over me. I haven't talked to my dad in a while. He didn't even come see me at the hospital. I missed Lissie more than anything. I keep trying to move on and away from her, but I feel like a part of me went with her.

Oddly, I feel a bit stronger. I lost an important part of my life. And Im still going on. Struggling, but Im still here. I can't tell you why. I honestly don't know why I didn't just leave after her. Or even before her. I don't know why she did it. I'm still trying to figure that part out. I know that she was unhappy. But, see, that's the things about smiles. She always wore one and no one thought differently about it. She knew that she was dying. That's another side effect of dying. So, here we sit, her family, her friends, her crush, her teachers, we all sit here drowning in our misery.

I closed my eyes and called her parents. I haven't talked to them in a while. It's been a month since she killed herself. And if I wasn't over her, I knew her parents weren't either. I waited in silence as the phone dialed.

"Hello," A female voice picked up on the other end.

"Hello, Mrs. Tate?" I asked as I looked out my window.

"Yes, may I ask who's calling?"

"Alicia. Lissie's friend." Her name felt like poison in my mouth.

"Oh, hello. What can I do for you?"

"I was just calling to check up on you guys. We haven't talked since.. you know.. and I was just making sure that you guys were okay." It sounded better in my head. I stared down at the floor as her mother gained the confidence to talk.

"Yes, we're doing good. Well, actually, no. I sit here all day and stare at the walls in her room. I listen to her sister cry in the middle of the night. Her father started working late. And my family is breaking. How are you?" She sounded faint.

"I just got home from the hospital today. I was in a car accident on my way down to your house to see you in person. I broke my ribs and I have a concussion on the left side of my brain. I keep seeing her. Everywhere. Every single place I go she has to pop up. Its like a nightmare that I just can't escape."

"I know, Alicia. But, we all have to be strong. Its what she would want. I have a box or two of her stuff. Do you want to come down and look through it to see if there's anything you want?" Inside I told myself no. Taking her stuff home would be harder on me.

"Yea, sure. I'll be down in a little bit."

"Okay." The phone clicked off and I was left sitting in silence, staring at the blank white walls of hell.

I drove down to her house. The first time I've been here since she died. I sat in the car outside of her house for a while. I was too numb to move inside. My heart raced as I stared up at the house. Finally, I decided it was time to get out of the car and go inside. I knocked on the door and stared at my feet as the door opened.

"Alicia," Her mother greeted me with a warm hug.

"Hi," I mumbled.

"You can head up to her bedroom. When you get done, will you please shut the door?" I nodded and moved slowly down the hall. My ribs were throbbing.

I approached her door. I placed one hand on the door knob and the other one on the door. I closed my eyes and let her presence sip through my body. I sucked in a deep breath and pushed the door open. Her smell hit me in the face like a truck. I wanted to back out of the room and out the house and run for miles and miles. I wanted to hide under my sheets and cry until I died. But, I didn't. I took a step in and sat on her bed with the blue sheets. I stared at her light pink walls with the Nirvana posters hanging. A single tear slipped down my face and landed on my bare thigh. I saw the boxes sitting in the corner of her room. I crawled over and pulled a box out.

Reminiscing, I pulled things out of the box. Band shirts, converse, notebooks. I flipped through a notebook with a pink cover. I realized it was her diary. As I read through it, I noticed that every day seemed to get worst for her. In one her pages, this is what she said:

 January 8,

 Today could not have gotten any worst. They pushed me into the walls and gave me a black eye. They told me to kill myself because I was wasting air. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being. I'm a monster. My mom and I got in a fight today. She told me that I was a mistake and the she wished she never had me. Why do I cause so much pain to people I care about? I hate my life. I closed the notebook and put it aside. How could I have not noticed?

"You were not a mistake, Lissie. I loved you." One again crying, I whispered at the ceiling. "I fucking loved you!" I rose my voice.

I ended up leaving her house shortly after that. I took some jewelry of hers. A gold plated necklace with a small gold cross. A ring. A bracelet. I took a fake flower that was lying in the box. And I took her diary. Why? I don't know. I got in my car and placed it in the passenger seat. I turned on a CD to her favorite song and let it fill my car. I drove to the graveyard.

I searched for her grave. Once I found it, I sat down next to it and hugged the stone. The tears poured again. I sat there for quite a while. The wind tangling my hair. The clouds rolling in. And when it began to rain, I continued to sit there. I let the rain wash over me. I placed the fake flower on her grave with the ring and the bracelet. I sat there for a while longer, rocking back and forth. I watched people come with umbrellas. But, still I continued to rock. A lady came up and placed her umbrella in my hand and walk away. And still, I sat there. I was numb. I heard nothing but the soft pat.. pat.. of the rain falling on the ground and my heart beat in my ears.

"I love you so much, Lissie. Please wake up. Please come back. I need you.." I whispered as I fell asleep next to her cold, dead body. The rain was still pounding. She was still dead.