Broken Promises

Chapter 8

I woke up drenched in cold sweat. As I rolled over to watch the sunrise, Lissie's suicide crashed into me like a wave. I swallowed the ball that was in my throat. I tried to fight the tears, but they poured like a waterfall from my eyes. I curled into a ball and started bawling. My stomach began to ache. I squeezed my eyes shut. It isn't real. She isn't dead. I'll get up and go to school and I'll see her beautiful smile. We'll laugh and talk. She isn't dead. She can not be dead. The voice in the back of my head said.

Mom knocked on my bedroom door. I was too numb to get out of bed. She came in and laid on my bed. She rubbed my back.

"Are you okay?" She whispered.

"No," I fought for my breath.

"I'm so sorry."

"I saw her in my dream," Images of my nightmare came back.

"What was your dream?" I rolled over to face her.

"I killed myself with her." My mom started frowning.

I walked down the hall to meet up with Travis. I faked a smile as he sent me a real one. My heart was breaking. I no longer felt the purpose to live. So, why was I still here? I dont know why Im still here. He met me at my locker and wrapped his arms around my petite waist.

"Hey, baby." He said as he kissed my forehead.

"Hey, hon." I smiled. I let myself relax in his arms.

"How are you?" His deep green eyes bored into mine. I dont know. How was I? I was numb.

"Im okay. You?" He touched my cheek. Very lightly and I started crying.

"Baby, whats wrong?"

"I can't take it anymore. I could have saved her goddamn it. I could have reached out. I could have taken her away from all that pain!" The rest of my group began to surround me.

"Hey, are you okay?" Calli came up behind me.

"She killed herself last night," Travis spoke up. Calli froze behind me.

I didn't know what to do. I was loosing my mind. I felt myself falling from my safe haven and I no longer have someone to catch me. I can't depend on Travis. I can't depend on my mom. I guess this is what I get for depending on someone who wanted to die. I don't know what I did wrong. My heart was breaking.

I couldn't focus in math. I was angry. How could we lose such a beautiful person? How could the whole world keep going on as if nothing ever happened? My mind kept flicking back to the last thing I ever said to her. The night she killed herself. The night that I thought everything was okay.

 "I love you so much, Lissie. And please don't ever think differently. You are an amazing person. Think of everything you've accomplished this year. Think of how many people you make smile. Think of everything you've been through. You are stronger than you will ever know. Please, dont give up on me. I need you."

  I looked through Mrs. Klays. I looked through the white board. I looked through the class next door. I looked through the heads filled with suicide thoughts. I looked through the students who sit in the back of the class with long sleeve shirts in the middle of summer. I looked through society. How can someone be perfect in a world where perfect still isn't good enough? I looked through the world and saw all the broken hearts. I felt my pain mix with others.

My palms started sweating. My head began to pound. The classroom started shrinking. I was suffocating. I clutched my stomach. I fought back the tears that tried to spill out. I reached into my bag and grabbed my water and anti-depressants. Abruptly, I stood up and grabbed my bag. I raced out of the class. I ran down the hall to the girls bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I sat on the toilet and grabbed my hair. Why was I so alone?

 You never could save her. What are you thinking? You're so selfish. You never do think of anyone else but yourself. If you would have stopped and looked, you would have known what she was doing. You can't do anything.

My whole world was collapsing. I felt myself loosing grasp every second. I guess the only reason Im still here is because of my mom and my friends. But, I dont know how much more I can take of it. I feel so alone. I dont understand what to do. I feel trapped in this world. I cant take it anymore. I looked up at the ceiling and closed my eyes.

"Hey, baby doll. I don't know if you're listening to me. But, I just want you to know that I miss you. It feels like my whole world crumbled when you took your life. I don't understand what I did wrong. I feel so alone right now. I don't know if I can take this anymore. You know? I had a dream about you last night. I'll be there soon baby. I love you, Lissie." I took a deep breath.

I laid in my bed. The world stopped spinning when she took her life. I was so angry. Angry at myself. Angry at the world. Angry at her. I want the pain to stop. It feels like Im drowning. The more I try to surface and catch my breath, the farther Im pulled down. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get my footing. Everyone around is smiling. Everyone is laughing. And me? Im sitting here screaming at the top of my lungs but no one can here me. I feel stupid. Im dying on the inside. Dying is a side effect of depression. And I don't know if I will ever be okay again. So why not take my own life away?