Broken Promises

Chapter 16

I was just waiting for things to get easier. I didn't want to come back after this. I wanted to go home to my family and be happy. I was going to do it. 

I looked around the cafeteria filled with empty souls. My heart longed for my friends, for someone to hold me. The last time I was in here, I was sixteen or seventeen and I didn't see a purpose in my life. But, now, now I don't even know why I'm here. I don't know why I relapsed or what happened, but here I am. Trapped inside this hell. My anxiety swelled up inside of me, taking over me. I brushed my hair back and grabbed my head. Breathe. Count to ten. You got this, Alice. Do not let this tear you down. Two days is all you got. I struggled for air. It's hard to explain how it feels to have an anxiety attack. It's different for everyone, I guess. Mine always feel like I'm drowning. I get this pain in my chest, almost like I'm being suffocated and the tears just fall no matter how hard I fight them. When my anxiety hits, I feel like I'm a damn and I'm breaking. I fought back the tears as I abruptly stood up. I reached for my heart as the tears started to pour. Stop this. Stop. 

My mind was racing. I looked around for something stable. I leaned against the table as I tried to compose myself. Stop acting like a child. People are staring at you. Think about what everyone at home is gonna think about you when they find out you're weak? I couldn't contain it. I let out a loud breath as I watched the world spin. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't get the world to slow down. That's how it always is. The world never stops. Not for me. Not for you. Not for anyone. The world keeps turning and all of mankind keeps struggling to catch up. 

Lissie would be so disappointed in me. I don't know why she even left. Could I have done something to stop her? Maybe she was too far gone, maybe I am too. I reached for her. 

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I woke drenched in cold sweat. My eyes felt puffy and my body ached. I normally feel like this after I have a break down. My heart felt heavy in my empty body and my mind reached for anyone. Andrea laid across the room from me, she was watching me heavily as I sat up. 

"Are you okay?" She sat up. 

"Yeah, how did I get in here?" I asked as I ran my hands through my messy hair. 

"I don't know. I found you on the floor." I tried to remember how I got there. I must have struggled to get here. 

"Oh," My voice dropped as my mind recollected the events of the last month. 

You never know when you're gonna break down. It could be once a month or even once a year. That's what everyone says about me. I'm great when I'm up, I make everyone feel good and I light up the room. But, when I crash, I'm down and there's no making me feel better. I guess that's what sucks. Things are better than they used to be. I shuddered and wrapped my arms around myself. I longed to be touched. 

"Can I ask you something?" Andrea looked up at me through her hair. 

"Of course." I felt stupid. 

"Can you come hold me? I know you don't know me, I just, I need to be held, I guess." She didn't hesitate. 

"Is this your first time here?" She asked as I laid my head in her lap. 

"No," I thought about the first time I was here. I really did want to die. I really didn't see my life the way it is now. I blinked hard. "You?" 

"No," The room was quiet, but for the first time since I got here today, I was feeling at peace. 

"How long have you been here?" I asked quietly as to not disturb the peace. 

"Just a few months. How long were you here for the first time?" 

"A couple of months. I met my husband here, funny, huh?" She chuckled under her breath. She reminded me of Lissie. Soft, broken. A lost puppy trying to find it's way. 

"I remember you, you made that speech before you left." 

"Crazy how I ended up back here." 

I fell asleep somewhere in our conversation. Andrea didn't move, just stroked my hair as I clung to her like a child. My mind wandered to my family. Were they mad at me? How did I even end up here? Lissie reached for me in my dreams and I felt a weight leave my chest. 

"You're gonna be okay, A." She came to me in my dreams. 

"I miss you, L." My eyes filled with tears as she came closer. 

"I'm not mad at you. I'm so sorry that I left you to carry this burden. I never meant to hurt you, I just wanted to be happy." She sat on a bench with me and touched my hand. 

"Why did you leave me? Why?" I rose my voice as I filled with overwhelming anger. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't think that I would hurt you so much." She reached for me. 

"You destroyed me. I tried to save you and here I am barely surviving." 

"You are better than this." 

"I hate you," The words fell from my mouth. 

Andrea shook me, pressing her face against mine. I felt my body begin to shake uncontrollably as I gained consciousness. She was whispering what sounded like a prayer as I tried to calm myself down. She pushed me up into a sitting position and I felt the anger disperse. 

"I'm okay," I took a deep breath. I pushed my hands through my hair. "I'm gonna take a shower." 

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Therapy was the same as it always it. I sat in the over sized black chair and listened to the soft scratching of ink on paper. I explained what I was feeling and left out the part about my dream and my panic attack. I let my mind wander as I waited for her to tell me I was okay to go home. I watched to the time pass by on the clock and stared at the wall. 

"How are you feeling today, Alicia?" 

"Alice, please. I'm okay. Doing better than I was last time." She nodded as she continued to write. 

"You're supposed to be going home tomorrow, is that correct?" I pressed my lips together and nodded. Tomorrow. "Who's waiting for you at home?" 

An almost instant reaction, "My husband and mom." She nodded. 

"Do you love your husband?" 

"Of course." 

"How long have you been together?" She was making small talk. I hated small talk. 

"Three or so years." The years blended together in a blur when I'm with him. 

"Where did you meet?" Now the story I wanted to avoid. 

"Here." She looked up from the clipboard. 

"Here?" I nodded. 

"He was here when I got here. A group of my friends that I went to school with actually came here for a while." She nodded again. I wanted to avoid this story. This wasn't one for her to hear. 

"How is he doing?" 

"He's doing good. Really good, actually." 

"Better than you?" That was a stab. 

"A friend of mine just passed away a few months ago. He's been my moral support." 

"So, why did you end up in here again? It says you tried to commit." 

"Well, yeah. At the time, I didn't want to live with the pain that she had caused. I couldn't handle it. I felt like I could of done something to stop here if I tried." The dream came to mind and I shuddered. 

"Are you okay now?" I nodded. 

"I'm doing a lot better than yesterday and the days before that. I never wanted to die, I just wanted to stop feeling things so intensely." She nodded. 

"Well, I'm gonna prescribe you more medications, something different this time and you're gonna be okay to go home tomorrow morning. However, I do want you to come see me at least once every two weeks. We don't have to talk much, just want to check in." I nodded. Those were terms I could agree to.