Finding Jaime

Chapter 49

Jaime POV

It sucks. I can't walk right, I can't talk right, and I don't know if it's ever going to get better. I'm not even sure I can think right. Everything seems so... garbled.

To make things worse, I'm stuck in the stupid hospital until they decide I can go home. Which I can't do until I can walk better. Like, by myself. I still need someone beside me holding on when I walk. Even with a walker.

I have a tutor because I can't go to school being stuck here. She's nice but I'd rather be at school. And I can't concentrate anyway.

Speaking of school, a couple of my teachers have come by to visit and have done some help with the work they assigned. But none of my friends have come to visit. I would have thought at least Emmanuel would have come. Maybe Justin.

At least Meagan brings Marvel in the mornings and Bronx and Saint after school. They stay for dinner. It's weird because dinner in my room or the cafeteria isn't like dinner at home. Man, I can't wait to go home.

Dad brought my X-Box to the hospital and my therapists say it's good to try to work in my hand-eye coordination. It feels like the only thing I can do with some skill. Everything else feels like it takes so much longer to do. But my thumbs seem to be able to work the buttons and the controller so much faster than, well, everything else.

I was playing with Saint but I got tired, so he played a few games solo while I just rested my eyes.

That's the other thing. I'm always so tired. Everything makes me tired. Video games, homework, walking, talking. It just takes so much energy.

"You okay, Jaime?" Dad asks.

"I'm o-o-okay," I say, frowning because of my new stutter. My speech therapist says I'll probably overcome it as we work more, but I don't know. Words keep getting stuck in my mouth. I can't get them to come out.

They also make me talk to a head shrinker. He comes a couple times a week. He makes me talk about Mom and how I feel about her. And also makes me talk about Dad and what moving in with him has been like.

He's nice, I guess. But I don't remember much about the night I wound up in the hospital. I remember being mad at Dad because he grounded me, and I remembered the pills. But I don't remember taking them. Dad said there were only about five pills left in the bottle when he found it.

I had to have one session with Dad and the shrink. Dad cried almost the whole time telling the shrink he wanted me to know that he loved me and wanted me to know that I am part of the family and that now that he knows I exist, he wants me to know that I matter and he wasn't punishing me to be mean, but because he wants all of us to be good people.

"Y-y-you j-just don't w-wan-t it t-t-t-o l-l-l-l," I paused. I was so angry I couldn't get the words to come out.

"Jaime," the shrink said. "Calm down and try again."

I frowned at him but stopped and caught my breath.

"Y-y-you just d-don't want it t-to look b-bad on y-y-y-y-you!"

"Jaime, that's not true at all," he said.

"B-b-b-bull sh-sh-shit!" I said back.

Dad sighed.

"Jaime, it's not so simple," Dad said.

"It's n-not th-that hard!"

"Jaime, fine. Yes. Everything you and your siblings do can reflect on me because of my job. But that doesn't change the fact that I still want the four of you to be good people."

"I kn-kn-knew it!" I said.

"You weren't completely wrong, but you're not completely right, either. I'm more concerned about you and the others being good people. One day you'll all be out in the world, on your own and I want to know that you're all, and I mean all of you, going to be okay. That you'll do good in the world. That I can look at you all with pride and say 'yeah. That's my kid!' I want that for all of you. And believe me, Bronx, Saint or Marvel get anywhere close to the amount of trouble you got yourself into, they'd also have been grounded."

"B-bet you wouldn't h-h-have grounded them for t-t-two w-w-weeks!" I countered.

"Maybe not. Probably longer."

"B-bullshit again," I said.

"Not at all. Jaime, I can't begin to tell you how scared I was you were in bigger trouble. You got off with a warning. You were lucky. I'm not always going to be around to help you."

"Y-y-you've never been a-around!"

"Jaime, that's not fair. You know I couldn't have controlled that."

"Y-you could h-have tried h-h-harder," I said, tears coming to my eyes. Dammit.

"Your mom didn't want me to find her. I don't know why she didn't want me to know about you. I don't know why she didn't want you to know about me. I would have been there for you both if I had. I tried, Jaime. She didn't want me to know where she was."

I crossed my arms and glared at him.

"Jaime," the shrink said. "Did you know your dad didn't know about you?"

"Y-y-y-yes," I admitted. "M-my m-mom tried to t-t-tell me. I w-wouldn't l-let her."

"Why not?"

"I-I-I-I," I tried to get the words out, but I couldn't.

"He was trying to save her life," Dad said. "She died of cancer and he was hoping she couldn't go without telling him."

"I could h-have said it," I grumbled.

"Sorry," Dad said.

The shrink looked at me with sympathy. I hate that. I frowned at him.

We talked some more. The shrink asked about Mom and my relationship, stuff like that.

Finally an hour had passed and he left.

I lay back on my bed and looked out the window.

"Jaime?" Dad said.

"What?"

"Are you alright?" He asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I-I'm okay."

Dad sat back and turned on the TV. Meagan and the kids should be here soon. I was looking forward to seeing them.