𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐍𝐄𝐓 / 𝐌𝐔𝐋𝐓𝐈

dix-sept

-- -- -- Marley Van der Berg -- -- --

i couldn't cry. i had been stupid to think that my mom was a responsible adult, to think that she cared about us. i don't know why i hadn't seen it coming; all the people in and out of our house, the numerous boyfriends, all the late night parties. it was the same as when we lived in london yet i just told myself, 'well she isn't doing drugs... it's fine.'

nothing was fine anymore. i couldn't sit around knowing that she was reverting back to her old self. and deep down i knew it was all going on, i think i just ignored it on the surface; but deep down there was this uncalled for hatred that built every time i saw her, anytime she called my name. i had known for a while.

she was selfish. she had promised that this time would be different, no more relapsing, no more bad company. she said we could be a proper family unit but she lied.

i wanted to be angry at her but i could only be angry at myself for trusting her. tears slid down my face as i clutched a pillow to my chest.

"i made tea," nicolias said tentatively. "i know you're a tad upset at her."

"i fell for it though." i sniffled into the cup, watching the contents swirl around. "i believed her. i'm not sure why, she's been catty forever." i laughed bitterly. "we can't stay here anymore."

nic looked sad almost. "we?"

"i can't leave you here-" i felt flustered as i aggressively swiped at the wet streaks on my cheeks. "it's not fair, it's not right, it's- she doesn't care anymore, she's not even trying."

"we can't leave her..." he frowned. "she's our mum."

nicolias used to be happy, we all used to be happy but the fantasy had fallen apart years ago. i felt so foolish for trying to build something from nothing.

"that-" i felt my lips tremble as i took a sip from my glass. "that is not our mum anymore."

"it's not fair, marls."

i didn't mean to explode but i couldn't help it. i was hurt and angry and he was right, it wasn't fucking fair.

"no nic, it isn't fair." i yelled. "it's not fair that she had to make a choice: be a stupid nitty or care for her fucking kids." i sat my cup down, no longer wanting the tea. "she decided to buy from some yutes on the corner and relapse for the millionth time since you turned– how old again? how long have we been dealing with this?"

he had been seven when she first came clean about her problems. that's when dad left and honestly screw him too; he was too much of a coward to actually fix anything, and he left us with her. maybe that's when the fantasy faded to a bland reality.

"it's not fair that she lies to us. it's not bloody fair. i just want a proper house and a dog, and friends, you know? i don't want this anymore. i want my mom to not be some drug addict-"

nic stared at me, as if everything i had said didn't mean a thing to him. "where the hell will we go marley? this isn't tottenham! we've got no one here, we've only got lilith and this house and france... that's it. we don't have shit." his voice was surprisingly calm. it made my thoughts level out.

"the states."

"like america?" he repeated. his brown eyes were shrouded in doubt.

"nic, we're gonna have to leave one way or another. i have friends there and it'll be fine, i promise, trust me." there too many eviction letters to ignore, we probably didn't have much time till the bailiffs were knocking down our door, pestering us with court notes and what not.

nic just sat on the edge of my bed, staring at the wall. like mine his eyes were watery, a sure sign of defeat. there wasn't anything left here for us, no reason to stay. "why do we have to leave? we can help her- why can't we marls? she just- she needs help."

i scooted closer and hugged him.

i let him cry on my shoulder while i tried to keep myself together. "i thought about it so much, you know. i thought of every way to help her but it's all so... useless. it's rubbish if she doesn't want it herself. we can't help if she believes she's doing fine."

i rubbed his head like i'd done when he was younger. and now, just like it was then, his hair tangled around my fingers. "she doesn't mean to– hurt us i mean, i know she doesn't do it on purpose."

"i agree." i hummed. "i still think we should leave, but only if you want to. i can't force you to do anything you don't want to."

"we can go." he whispered.

"okay i'll call jun, take a nap." i told him.

i think we both need to rest.