i sat in my bedroom flicking my switchblade open and closed repeatedly. a nigga was bored out his mind. craig had flown back to texas to be with his family for a bit and denzel was busy recording music so i ain't have shit to do.
i would've text that girl from instagram, i called her ice, but she was probably sleep, i wasn't sure how the fuck timezones worked.
the only good thing was that everyone was liking the song ski dropped. honestly the only reason i even posted about it was cause i actually fucked with song. it wasn't often i was impressed by other artists shit, and maybe that was just my ego, but that jit actually had some real talent.
my eyes closed and the rhythmic clicking of my switchblade put me in a state where i couldn't think of anything. it was a trance where the darkness consumed me. this wasn't anything i wasn't used to. my soul was empty and dark, with my heart treading a thin line.
the darkness wasn't evil, nor did it make me evil, i just liked being that way. i liked the fear i put into others because nothing scared me anymore. i couldn't feel shit but loneliness anymore. that's why hurting others made me feel better, it was like i was vicariously sharing their emotions. i hurt mentally while they hurt physically.
every bone i'd broken on a person, every scream they let out, it was to see if i could feel some sort of compassion but all i ever felt was bloodlust and anger.
denzel thinks i'm a fucking psycho because my mom didn't love me enough, and by the time she tried to i was too far gone. he's right, about me not being loved enough. love was all i ever wanted, sometimes i still think its obtainable, but i know i can't have it, not with the way i am.
to love someone, you have to be able to trust them and find solace in them, you have to need them as much as you want them. i can't trust anyone, not even the glock i keep under my pillow. i can barely trust my damn self, how the fuck can i trust someone else? i can't. I'm too paranoid all the time.
to love i would have to accept myself and my past and that would mean uncovering repressed memories. and on top of that i would have to accept whatever fucked up shit the other persons done in their past. it's a lot.
relationships are a lot of work and sometimes i don't have the energy to deal with it.
people who are able to love are lucky. i've tried to fall in love before but i learned it doesn't work like that. the more i try to fall in love, the more i fall in line. i just get used to the person being around me, but i don't love them. sometimes i don't even like them, which makes me want to slit my fucking throat.
i want to find love but i know it won't happen, im defective as fuck. and even if i did find a person to love, they wouldn't stay very long.
my heart was like my switchblade, sometimes it was opened and working, but majority of the time it was closed.
i flicked it open then closed..
open..
closed..
open..
closed..
open..
clos-
"yo jah where you at!?" denzel's heavy footsteps stopped in front of my bedroom.
i had been so out of it that i hadn't heard him come in. i sat up and tucked my blade in my pocket.
"nigga you ain't hear me callin you?" he opened the door.
i shrugged, scratching my hair. "i just woke up."
"i'm hungry, let's go to red lobster." he was already walking down the hall.
sighing i grabbed my wallet and phone then followed after him.
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liked by iceberglettuce and 727 others r1pb3ttywh1t3 // i just want fuckin love bro im tired of bein fuckin lonely all the time
