the worst migraines of my life are the result of the manifestations of my remarkably severe indecisions. i feel incredibly nauseous. and i have to piss, but the weight of cognitive dissonance is heavier than the gallons of liquids in my bladder. the tension in my upper neck slowly disperses around my head, mimicking a helmet, though not one meant to protect from external damages. rather, one that inflicts and inspires internal casualties through the aforementioned dissonance.
the primary question is: what am i indecisive about? well, the answer lies in the complex issue of an inconsistent personality. not just my own personality, but those i surround myself with. those who absolutely adore me one day, then the next behave as if i am worthless to them. like im a waste of time unless im generously giving free therapy or sex for nothing in return.
if people are inconsistent with me, how am i supposed to be consistent with them? am i really borderline, or am i just the tragic result of a plethora of shitty people? or is that the same thing? all i desire in this world is to be loved wholeheartedly, through every meltdown. i want to be worth the inconvenience, because the best parts of me are so much greater and louder than the worst parts. i don't want love solely in return for giving them an ego boost, but rather because they genuinely care for me and believe me to have value other than the offering of my body. i desire people who consistently communicate through actions that i am not a spiraling waste of oxygen.
at this point, i believe it to be a utopia. an idealistic world with no grounds for actually occurring. im not sure where i even got the ideas for this utopia, as it's not like anyone has ever truly loved me unconditionally. i have no one to blame but my own wild imagination. of course, i am the only person to blame. i am the only person to blame for the considerably unrealistic expectation of being treated like a human being. i am the only person to blame for the notion that anyone could possibly want to deal with my irrational nature.
trauma controls my every move. each person i talk to reinforces the concept of my use in providing validation and maternal care, but not the concept that im an actual human being. on tinder, each opening pickup line is about my tits or obvious daddy issues. there have only been two people who began their relationship with me through what appeared to be a genuine desire to learn about one another. these are the only two real romantic attachments i've felt. even so they both quickly came to a point where i was too much, even for their psychopathic narcissism. not even through their own egocentric disorders could they find a valid use for me. although, it has been proven that my personality type is particularly at risk for dating narcissists. how lucky am i. ive had horrible luck with men, likely because im afraid of social interactions and can only meet people online. on top of that, i enjoy the presence of someone who actually understands me and my illnesses on a personal level. which essentially means nothing but red flags and toxicity, just like me i suppose.
i was hoping for an "us vs the world" situation, but maybe thats too much to ask.
my indecisiveness begins when the attachment forms- which is always much too intense and quick to be considered "healthy" but thats not something i really care about. when i become attached, usually a few days after meeting and decent conversation, i read into actions way too deeply. or not deeply enough. i become delusional to the point in which i believe there may actually be a future filled with real joy and love ahead of me. of course, this delusion is quickly ripped away the moment i feel they are slipping from my grasp. scared of being abandoned from yet another friend and lover, i lash out and often become confrontational. as they abandon me, i also abandon myself.
being confrontational is useless when alcohol and cocaine spawn an emotional desert in them. but not even trying results in a lack of closure that is just as aching.
this nauseating migraine is worsening as my tensions grow and i inhale more substances. james was right, im becoming just like him. i manipulate and lead people on to nourish my own voids and addictions. i will "continue to degenerate" just as he did.
but the difference between him and i is that i dont hit or choke or restrain people when im drunk. i love people when im drunk. why does he have to be so different from me, his best friend?
i am so terrified of love. but i am more terrified of not having a future in which i can just live in peace with someone who is my best friend and partner. so, instead, i desperately cling to the validation and affections of those who do not matter to me, for when it is inevitably ripped away it wont hurt as bad.
