9.8.23
ideas and revelations always come to you when youre high as shit sitting in a bathtub, which has not been cleaned in months, with all the lights off. you can never tell if youre crying or if its just the water flooding your eyes, because you have kept your entire face underneath the scalding water for at least thirty minutes- it feels too good to move. you take a small gasp for air. your skin starts to turn red and you start to tweak a little as you realize you smoked a little too much and its beginning to trigger all sorts of memories, both good and bad. bad because either theyre good, but theyre gone, or theyre just spoiled by the bad memories that followed. you feel a presence in the room- right behind you in the tub. and right in front of you. and behind the curtain. and tucked into all the shadowed corners of your bedroom in the next room over, waiting for you to come out. they watch you and close in on you, and you get up to smoke a cigarette. now youre nauseous, you smoked it too fast, though you really wish you could have another. and now youre lying in bed, wasting extra time because going to sleep is likely impossible for a few more hours, even though you have work at 10am. but if you shut the computer theres no more light to stop the shadows from engulfing me into an existential death (or physical, as their presence feels murderous).
good news, i have a boyfriend now.
bad news, i have discovered a new aspect of the disassociation i endure from myself and the world i am experiencing, if you can call it that.
i am not saying i would cheat on him, because i have absolutely no desire to fuck this up. he is healthy for me and i feel like i can see a lot of happiness in this relationship. he is not a drug addict, for one. secondly, he couldnt hurt a fly let alone me. however, i have come to the conclusion that should i make a freakishly irrational decision and fuck someone else, i dont think i would feel anything towards it. i would not feel guilt, nor would i feel compelled to confess this transgression to my boyfriend. nor would i feel any different towards him- i would not like him any less and i would not want to leave him by any means.
it sounds much more immoral and taboo than it really is.
i am a textbook model of dissociation. no event in my life feels real. nothing i have ever experienced feels real. none of the men i have ever fucked feel real, even the relationships. should i fuck someone else, it would feel like a dream. this is not manipulation or lying or narcissism, this lack of guilt is not a result of an antisocial attitude in which i do not give a fuck about other peoples feelings. i care very intensely about my boyfriend. the experience of fucking someone would genuinely feel like a dream, something i can barely even remember the morning i wake up.
---
9.11.23
my last thoughts were cut short by a sudden and debilitating exhaustion.
i am now experiencing a desire to cheat. i swear this is not because i am a psychopathic villain- i have been cheated on countless times and i would never intentionally allow myself to make someone feel the way i still do about those events.
rather, it is because i can not stop the feeling that he is cheating. there is no evidence, because logically he probably is not. but with every wrong blink or perceived weird look on his face, i become more convinced it is so. i have never known a man to not cheat- emotionally, physically, or even just thinking about it. especially when it comes to me, because there are certainly girls who are prettier and smarter and more hygienic and less fucked up. girls who don't think in the way y'all have witnessed thus far (which is not even a fraction of my real thoughts). there are girls who have more in common with him and are less prone to rotting in bed all day, everyday (surely this gets boring to him). i am much too anxiety-ridden to experience new things, even just going on dates. in my many experiences with many men, dating was never a part of that. not because i refused to or wasn't looking for one, but they never wanted one. i can count on one hand how many dates ive been on. but really, anything that involves him finding some sort of flaw in me, i cannot do anyway. because that will make him want to cheat. men are fragile little things, despite how they may attempt to present themselves.
