perhaps we are all familiar with the concepts of inferiority and superiority complexes, the thinking that you are inherently less than or better than others in a particular subject. or- if youre anything like me- all subjects.
as previously mentioned, growing up in a family assembled by power dynamics in which i, the youngest child, am completely inferior to every other individual in the family. i am the dumbest, the ugliest, the least capable. i am just like every other person that they all hate. when i behave like the infamous mother in law, their wife, their ex girlfriend. i am persistently less than. the "look" given to me by one of my own friends when i make a silly mistake on homework. when my math teacher has to bend down next to my desk to for whatever reason point out that i struggled on that test. when people always have an eye on me, scrutinizing and informing me of every tiny detail and flaw of my body and its proportions. they always have to point out the uneven placement of my eyes or my small nose.
the reminder that i am inferior to all others is a normalized occurrence. it is experienced multiple times a day to such an intense and extreme level it is indescribable through words. it is beyond irrational. but i so deeply believe in every word spoken through the mouths of others. i can not possibly think otherwise. in no way do i see myself as intelligent. how can i be? my high school grades were a fluke. i am incapable of processing information, going into public on my own, reading, watching tv without subtitles, math, or science. my writing in 7th grade infinitely surpasses whatever bullshit this is. i write this for myself and yet i have two thesaurus tabs open because i become so ambitious to prove myself to myself. but as i write this i am disgusted with each and every word flowing from my fingertips. my shift key is jammed into my keyboard and my fingers type faster than my brain processes what i should say next or how i should say it. i remain unimpressed by my attempts at something i long to be amazing at. the fact that my best friend is the worlds most incredible writer. at just 16 his words are an utter work of art. prestigious and philosophical, his mind is years older than his body. full of questions and curiosities and ambitions. he is so well-rounded in every subject, but greatly excels in writing, arguably even beyond the levels of professors. my writing is mediocre, objectively decent. enough to get by with good grades. nothing to be particularly proud of. i suppose it comes more naturally than math or science.
forget that of navigation. something seemingly so tiny has profound effects on my mindset. when cameron screams and screams at me for wasting our time because i get confused on roads or miss a turn. when james gets frustrated because he found a route that is 0.1 miles closer than the one i chose. when james argues with me because he has taken every word so literally that he can not see other possibilities. there has not been a single person who has not yelled at me for getting lost. it often takes me a lot longer to get to places than it should. senior prom night pictures ruined by excruciating gulf coast winds and by my complete inability to find a park in my small town. i went to at least two others before i found myself at the correct one, where we could finally take pictures. in the near dark. now i have close to nothing from that night. granted, adriana and i sat at the table the entire night which may seem boring to an outside perspective. but to our antisocial selves it was wonderful being together.
i have no skill in communication. i had panic attacks in my online speech class. i couldnt breathe- crying in front of five people who initially had high hopes for me. but upon seeing how quickly the cat got my tongue, i could see straight into their minds. forced smiles of encouragement are so easy to distinguish from genuine ones. i am physically incapable of communicating emotions, desires, opinions, feelings. living life on my toes, absolutely terrified of how i may be perceived based on the way i speak or think. terrified of being perceived as anything at all. terrified of causing anxiety or fear or anger in others, especially directed towards me. that is all i have ever done- invoke anger or anxiety in others. yet i call myself a psychology major, i am inadequate at giving advice or uplifting spirits and hopes. i want to give someone the will to dream. to live. i want to give someone the life they have always dreamed. but all i have done is traumatize and manipulate them. build trust only to break it in an instant, whether or not i meant to.
