Miracle Within My Heart

8. Joshua

Carousel up top!

I was a nervous wreck. When I saw David pulling into the parking lot, I felt I was going to panic. I want tonight to go perfect for Noah. I can't seem to function properly ever since I have been getting to know him. He's always on my mind. I'm always wanting to be with him, to see how he is, how work is going, how Mary is. I'm not ashamed to admit I have zoned out a lot at work just thinking about him and talking to him. I didn't care if I had an important meeting or phone call either, it was all about Noah and that is new to me.

I may have had many people I laid with but with Noah, I don't want to just fuck him and leave him, I want something with him. I have no idea what it is about him that makes me want to change my bad habits because I know what I do isn't exactly the right thing but it isn't wrong to have sex but to just do it and not have a care in the world about the person I'm with, that is what's wrong and I know it. I don't want to fuck Noah, I want us to make love to one another, for the rest of our lives.

I think I have fallen in love without realizing it because the thought of spending the rest of my life with my Noah has my heart pounding hard against my chest in the most amazing way. He's perfect and I'd do anything to make him happy and make him mine.

When the SUV stopped, I went to open the door and my gosh he looked so handsome and so pretty. I had to take a moment to gather myself before I could speak. David wished him a good night and left, Noah looking at my outfit and I looked at his and noticed we sorta matched which made me smile.

We made small talk and I kissed his cheek and handed him the rose and when he kissed the corner of my mouth, I was breathless and wanted to feel his lips on mine again but he backed up and took my hand as we started walking and I loved seeing the happiness in his eyes, because of me. When he asked what we were doing, I was glad I didn't want to wait to answer him before we turned the corner and his eyes lit up and his smile took over his whole face.

"So, do you like it?" I asked and he didn't say anything, he just turned to face me and wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me softly while nodding.

"I love it." He whispered against my lips and I melted under his warm gaze and smiled at him.

"Good now come on, the carousel awaits." Here in Pittsburgh during this time of year we have a winter festival and the main attraction is the carousel and the winter wonderland walk through. It has many things to look at and do, to eat and drink, to buy things and knowing how much Noah loves Christmas, I thought our first date here would be perfect.

"This is so magical." Noah said in awe as he looked at everything around us and I felt happy he liked it so far.

"Have you ever been to this before?" I asked and he had a sad smile on his face.

"The last time was four years ago, the Christmas before my parents passed away. I couldn't come here without them until now because it hurt too much. This is something we had done every year and I have many fond memories here with them and I thought if I came back, it'll hurt but with you here, it's not as hard as I thought it would be so thank you Joshua."

"Oh gosh Noah, I'm just thankful you didn't want to leave as soon as you saw it. I know how much it hurts to lose a parent, nothing can take that pain away but with you being here, it makes their memories live on through you and our parents would want us to live our lives, not be stuck in time without them. I learnt that over the years and it does help some in bringing me comfort about my mama's death. What would you like to do first?"

"I want to have a cup of cocoa and a gingerbread cookie and we find a seat on the carousel and enjoy a few minutes of closeness, together." So with that, we went and stood in a line to get the treats and once we had, we made our way to the carousel and Noah found a seat that looks like Santa's sleigh so he got in first and I sat beside him, he had his one arm up on the back of the seat and so I scooted closer to him and he looked at me and kissed my cheek and I felt them get warm while my heart just took a big jump into my belly.

"I have always wanted to do this with someone I cared about and I'm glad I saved it to do it with you." He whispered as he put the side of his face on top of my head and sighed softly.

"It is rather nice, I'm enjoying every moment with you tonight Noah and I know this night will be magical."

"It already is Joshua." We didn't speak after that, just ate our cookies and drank our cocoa as we watched the people laugh and have a good time. A few minutes later the ride stopped but Noah's arm was around my neck and he held onto me and shook his head so I stayed where I was and the ride started back up and this time around, I didn't move and enjoyed being in his arms.

"What do you want to do after the ride ends?" I asked and he hummed looking out to see what to do next.

"I want to decorate some cookies for the kids and make one for a special someone." He looked into my eyes and smiled, holding me a little closer.

"Alright, we can do that." I whispered and closed my eyes, feeling loved and warm even though it's cold out, I felt warm for the first time in a long time. When the carousel stopped we got up and got off it and Noah took my hand again and we started walking to a booth for cookie decorating.

"My mom loved doing this. She would make some interesting characters on the cookies and always made two different unique ones for Mary and I. Her and dad had me sit and wait one specific time and I wondered why because I usually was able to decorate one but when they were done, they handed me a cookie that had the word Mary on it and I was confused since my name is Noah and I told her that and she smiled and said it's the name of my baby sister and at first I was a bit mad because I would have to share them but when she was born and when I held her for the first time, I knew I had to always protect her because I'm her big brother. I don't ever want to see her hurt by anyone and I'd do anything for her, that was a vow I made that day and mean it to this day and will for the rest of my life." I love how much he loves his sister. I hope one day I'm able to get even a fraction of his love for me.

"That I can see you doing with how much you love her. She may not realize it yet but she is so lucky to have you in her life, to guide her, to support her, to show her right from wrong, to love her. She is very lucky indeed."

"I'm hoping there is another person whom I could do those things with, someone to love, to open myself up for, to be there and support them, just be their person you know. I want love, I'm tired of being alone and you make me feel things that I hadn't felt before. I want something with you Joshua but only if you want it with me. I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to be used, I don't want to be led on and let down. I see myself falling in love with you, I already have feelings for you and I want to see where we go but only if you want the same things."

"Let's just take it one date at a time. We don't need to talk about this on our first date. We just met and are getting to know one another so let's keep doing that, what we have now is good, I like the pace we're going, don't you?" I asked and he sighed softly and shook his head.

"I heard about your past and I know your second date move, I know you are sleeping with people even though you're out with me and talking to me but Joshua, since we are out on a date and are getting to know one another, you have to stop sleeping with other people because I won't be used like that and if you don't stop, you won't see me again. I'm not an object to be messed with, I'm a person with feelings and I deserve to be treated with respect. If you can't stop, let me know and we will just be friends but if you want this to work, work at it because I will and before it's too late and you lose me. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I am worth it." He didn't give me a chance to respond and went to the counter to get a cookie to decorate and I stood back and waited, thinking about what he said.

Who did he hear about my past from and what I've been doing? If I want to make things work with Noah I do need to prove to him I'll do what it takes to make him mine because the thought of losing him hurts my heart. I want to tell him I have feelings for him, that I'm already so in love with him but I'm scared.

Scared of what he will do once he finds out all about me and my life.