Birthday Blues

Chapter 11 : The truth, unlocked.

"You believe me..?" She asks just to make sure she didn't mishear him.
"Yeah."
"Even my family thinks I'm crazy."
"Listen Diane. It's about time you know the truth." Gilbert's tone and whole demeanour suddenly change.
"What truth?" She asks as her voice trembles.
"The truth that everyone knows but you."
"What is it??"
"We all know, this is not real. We know who you really are and where you came from."
"What?.... How..?"
"It's not real, Diane. It's all in your mind. We're all just characters your brain made up as a coping mechanism, expect for your brother Mark of course, he's the only one who's real, cause even in a dream, you can't replace him."
Diane doesn't speak for a solid five minutes after hearing his jaw-dropping confession. Her hands start trembling and she starts sweating out of control.
"It's only normal for you to be shocked.
Take your time." He looks at her sympathetically.
"So.. all of you have been fooling me?"
"That's what we were supposed to do. We were giving you the life you wanted, just as you wished."
"We really do love you, Diane, that's the thing we didn't fake. If only, you loved yourself too."
"Love myself? It's so easy for everyone to say that, they're not me after all, they don't know what that feels like.
They all tell me to love myself, no one ever tells me how. I make the worst decisions and I embarass myself as I breath. I can't enjoy life just like everyone else. I self sabotage all the time and then cry about it. I push everyone away, and don't know how to draw boundaries at the same time.
No one ever tells me, how to love this mess..?"
"Loving yourself, isn't a one time step. It isn't a destination you ever reach. It's a daily process. It's a journey. Everyday, you learn new things about yourself. You learn to treat yourself with kindness and empathy, just like you treat others.
If everyone else is against you, why not stand up for yourself, instead of siding with them..? If everyone betrayed you, why betray yourself..? You know you're all you've got, you can't expect kindness and warmth from others if you can't even give it to your own self."
Diane finds herself in awe, staggered overwhelmed with everything.
"Who said I hated myself?" She manges to say after a while.
"No one. But you were unkind to her. Can you deny that?"
"I can't and I won't. I told you I have no desire to do anything and I gave up on life, what do you expect from someone like me?"
"I'm saying this because I know who you are. And you deserve a lot better than the life you've been living."
"Gilbert.. what do you exactly want from me?" She starts to tense up.
"We all want to help you."
"Well, I don't want anyone's help! And I don't need to hear all that crap about self-love cause it's easier said than done!" She gets up and storms out of the restaurant leaving Gilbert speechless.

She's back home, still not recovered from all she heard.
Her parents greet her but she can't bring herself to do the same, and hurries to her room instead.
She locks herself in there, tears suddenly starting to well up in her eyes.
She hears her family talking downstairs.
Soon enough, someone is knocking on her door.
"Diane, It's me, open up please." Mark says desperately.
After some hesitation, she opens the door.
Mark comes in slowly, wearing a sad expression.
"So, you heard..?"
"Yeah."
"It must've been shocking."
"It has been shocking from the beginning. Not as if I didn't know this wasn't real."
"But you didn't know we knew.."
"Yeah, that was all such a fun little act. You must've enjoyed fooling me."
"That was never our intention.."
"When is this dream going to end.? Just tell me this, I don't want to hear anything else."
"When you're ready."
"I'm ready now."
"You're not."
"How-" She tries talking before he cuts her off saying "Hear me out, little sis."
Diane's eyes widden because her brother finally sounds like himself.
"I know it's hard, and I know you were struggling. It's not easy, accepting this kind of life as simply your fate. It was tough for me too. I tried not to think about it too much, all the whys and hows.. they all drove me crazy.
I was very self-conscious for a while and doubted everything I did. I also didn't know how to love and be loved. Or, that's what I thought. It's when I started showing empathy towards my own self that things started to look better.
It's not a fairytale where everything turns fine overnight. It was a long process of experiences and many sleepless nights spent reflecting.
My therapist told me, to treat myself as I would treat the child version of me, and I couldn't ever forget that. Everytime I was being harsh on myself, I remembered that child, who's still present today, in some hidden part of me, and I stopped. I calmed myself, patted my own shoulder and told my own self, at least I tried.
When I find myself feeling down and hating my own fate, I remind myself that it wasn't my fault and that I should at least try to improve the things I can.
I traveled. Gave myself a good education. Started slowly opening up to others, by being authentic and allowing them to percieve me as they wanted. Kept in mind that just because some terrible people mistreated and stabbed me in the back doesn't mean good people don't exist.
There was an old man in my neighbourhood who fed stray animals every single day. An old lady pretended to be the grandmother of a girl who was being harassed in a bus just to save her. Deutsch wasn't my mother language so I struggled a lot, but there was this girl who made it her mission to help me everytime I was confused. Then, that same girl became my wife. I fell in love with her, and accepted her love. And I love our children with all my heart. I'm not broken, and so are you.
My past was hard, and I never romanticize it, claim it wasn't or pretend that it stopped being that way because some time has passed. I acknowledge the truth. And it still hurts me deeply. It didn't make me stronger and wasn't the reason why my life turned out for the better. It didn't motivate me. I'm not gonna sugarcoat my sorrow. I made me what I'm today. It was all my decision. And I worked hard to reach this point. Not because I'm strong despite all the odds or resilient. But because I deserve to live a good life too. And so do you.
My pain, it's still present and I honor it. But I know , in my heart , I'm not here just to suffer. If life is against me, I shouldn't be against me too. I should at least, make this experience as bearable as possible."

Tears escape Diane's eyes one by one, lost for words, astounded, she stands there motionless.