Birthday Blues

Chapter 9 : At the Doctor's.

"So tell me, Diane. When did those dreams start occuring ?" The psychiatrist asks while trying to sound as reassuring as possible.
"I already told you. This all is a dream I'm having. But it's lasting for way too long."
"This reality, is a dream? How so? What makes you so sure about that?"
"I'm not sure about anything, but that's just the most logical explanation."
"So can you tell me what happened exactly, before you found yourself in this dream world as you call it?"
"I just had my usual sleeping pills and then slept, and woke up here. Never went back there since then."
"And before that..? You keep talking about the dream world and your reality, so how exactly was your reality?"
"The total opposite of my life here." She sighs and pauses for a second as if to gather some strength.
"It was terrible, what can I say.. I was extremely lonely with absolutely no one by my side. I had no motivation and everything felt like a chore, I had no desire to do anything, but you know life goes on.. so I had to somehow find a way to live even in that condition.
Everyone left me, so I lost my ability to trust others, and never let myself get attached to anyone.
I was unsatisfied with everything, my looks, my education, my past, my whole life..
Nothing mattered to me, but on the days it did, it hurt like hell.
I don't know.. It's so bad that I can't even properly describe it.."
"It sounds like you were having such a tough time there.
So on your birthday, you wished to live a different life, and then you got it the next day..?"
"Doctor, I know you think I'm crazy. And I know it's hard to believe that you only exist in this dream.But I really am telling the truth. This is not something I imagined, this is really happening!"
"I do believe you, Diane. So please calm down. I never said you were crazy."
She takes a deep breath and tries hard to compose herself.
"But.. it does sound like you have some uneasy feelings towards your self though. Earlier, you described yourself with words such as "failure" "loser" "weird" "unloveable".. And you said them as if it was something you were used to. You said you were doomed, from the beginning.
So tell me.. How exactly do you see yourself..? "
"Doctor.. You see, I'm not here for this-"
"I know what you're here for, but please, kindly follow through with my questions. This is important too, to get the answer you're looking for."
"I don't get how those topics are related but well.. I don't know.. Maybe, you've figured me out, I don't think highly of myself , that's true. I don't really hate myself, I just hate my fate and my life. I'm very unfortunate and it makes me so frustrated with myself even though it wasn't even my fault. But I wish I was luckier.
I think I'm a pretty dull person, nothing special. A little grumpy and cynical.
I used to be very sensible, but I'm cold as ice now. I do struggle to accept love from others because I wonder if it's even possible to love me.. My parents didn't love me after all.."
She finds herself struggling to fight the urge to cry.
"It seems like the wound caused by your parents' neglect is what's causing you the most pain.
But have you ever thought about it this way.. That the way your parents treated you was only a reflection of their own cruelity and unability to love, their immaturity and lack of empathy.
It was never about you. You were just a child, there was nothing about you that caused them to treat you that way. The problem was always with them, all along. "
" I.. I don't know what to say.." Diane struggles to even breathe.
"It's not easy to get rid of all those beliefs you've been clinging to your whole life. It's a whole process. It's hard to get there, but if you try hard enough everyday you will reach a point where you'd know, that you don't have to live miserably, and deserve a lot better than that. "
"I don't think I can do that.. Hell, I don't even want to. I just want to stay here."
"But you said it yourself Diane. You said this was not real."
"So.. you believe me?"
"I do. And I'm determined to help you with all my might."
"Thank you..."
"I will see you next week. I hope you spend some time reflecting on the things we discussed here. It's time to start your process."
"I'll try.."

Diane goes back home and spends the rest of her day in her room, thinking and reflecting about various topics.
Her confusion is persisting and even getting more complicated as days pass, but her gut feeling is telling her that for some reason she's not far from the truth.