Birthday Blues

Chapter 13 : Break free.

She knows deep in her heart that she'll never forget those precious conversations she had with her friends.
If only, she could stay with them forever, but sadly that's not how life works.

It's already the day of her appointement with her psychiatrist.
She feels nervous and sick in the stomach cause she knows they'll have to delve into heavy and dark subjects she still couldn't face. She's not even sure if she can handle what's coming.

She finally sits in front of her doctor again, this time holding on to sentiments different to those from her previous visit.
"How are you?"
"I- I'm not sure. I feel overwhelmed cause everything is happening at an extremely fast pace."
"That's understandable. Take it easy. All we want is to help you." He pauses then adds "So... Have you been reflecting on what we discussed last time?"
"Yeah.."
"How would you describe it?"
"Painful."
"That's normal. It's a great step that you started to think about what happened, you used to always run away from what hurts. I'm proud of you."
"You see Diane, no matter what any of us will ever say, if you don't have the will to change and don't understand why you have to, your situation will remain the same.
And it's true. We're not you, we don't know about your pain as much as you do. We don't know how hard it is to pull yourself out of bed every morning, or how often your demons chase you around.
What we know though, is your worth. That you deserve to live a better life despite everything." Diane nodds, signaling the doctor to keep going.
"It all started from your childhood.
As children, our parents are everything. The way they treat us and treat each other will impact us forever, and will be reflected on our behaviour.
Those of us who were showered with love and affection, will turn out to be healthy individuals who know their own worth and know how to love and enjoy life.
Those who get neglected and abused, who have an unhealthy and toxic home life will either turn out as agressive angry individuals, or fragile helpless ones who go through life victimizing themselves.
But as adults,all of them still have a choice. To break out of that toxic cycle. To realize they were in fact abused and forced into too many destructive patterns. That's the first step of breaking free.
You're already past that realization stage, and I applaud you for that. Now, it's time that you start re-conditionning your own mindset. It's gonna be hard work, but with the help of a skilled therapist and your own kindness towards yourself, you'll see an impressive change. Even if it sounds impossible now."
" It does sound very hard. But I'm starting to think about why I have to live this kind of life.
I'm not really looking for anything fancy or a huge change. I just want to live a more comfortable lifestyle that matches with my personality and beliefs. I'm not sure what that looks like though, or if I can ever get to that point."
"You have to start treating your depression first."
"I do.."
"What you've been doing is similar to making yourself walk on a broken leg and refusing to get it treated. Mental health is as important as physical health."
"You're right.."
"But getting your treatment won't be enough if you still follow the same patterns. You'll end up in the same situation all over again, it's like an endless loop. You have to start from your smallest habits to break free from that loop. Starting from the way you talk to your own self to your sleeping schedule. All of it needs to be improved."
"I'm not sure I can do all that, doctor.."
"It's only normal to doubt yourself at first. But you should at least have the honor of trying."
"Diane.. I know your family was your first heartbreak. I know they made you develop trust issues towards everyone including your own self.
But I need you to know, and to be totally sure, that they were the problem, it was never you. They were the terrible ones, not you. You were a child. You can't blame a child, after all.
And I know you'll always look for that love you never got, and always expect and fear others' rejection and abandonment. But the fact that you're now aware of all of this, is one of the greatest steps.
One thing I want you to always repeat to yourself ; It's not your fault. You can rest now, you can break free and live better." Diane bursts out in tears as he finishes his speech. A much needed release to let go of her suppressed emotions.
"You'll need to go talk to your parents now, they have something to tell you."

Diane is back at home, her steps are slow and she looks hesitant and vulnerable.
She finally gathers her courage and joins her parents in the living room.