Birthday Blues

Chapter 12 : There, there.

"Mark, why did you never say this to me before?" She stares at him in disbelief.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were struggling that hard.
And it was tough for me to discuss this with you. We never even properly talked about what happened in the past.."
"I understand. I'm not blaming you. You were surviving too. I just think that had I heard those words, maybe something would've been different.."
"Well, you heard them now. It's never too late." He says sincerely, trying his best to reassure her.
"But this is a dream.. after all"
"Those words are real, trust me. Everything we're saying now, is real." He stares at her deeply displaying how serious he is.
"I don't understand Mark.. When is it going to end?"
"Not now. But soon."
"What am I supposed to do for the rest of my time here?"
"Just keep doing what you were already doing. Live."

Diane finds herself going to college again, despite being unsure of why she has to.
She finds Carolyn in the hallway and she smiles when their eyes meet.
"So... you knew all along..?"
"Yeah. Sorry about that. That's what we were supposed to do. I just hope you at least had a great time with us."She holds her hand tightly.
"I had the time of my life, and tried things I never knew I was capable of. But it pains me that all of this was just imagination. Deep down I had hope that maybe this is my new reality now.."
"It would've been amazing if that was the case, but you know, that's something that only happens in fairytales. Your life can't improve just by wishing for it to do so. You have to work for it, and I know you're capable of that."
"It's so hard to change, Carolyn.. I'm afraid and I don't know what to do. It's not easy being me. Y'all keep making it sound like everything is so easy."
"I know. It's hard, we all know that. But you still deserve a better lifestyle. It's gonna be hard, but little by little, you're gonna improve."
"And what do I do with all this loneliness that consumed my whole life..? I'm done romanticizing it and it's starting to feel really brutal.."
"Loneliness is harsh.. You think you got used to it until you collapse under its weight. But you see, you got along with us pretty well. I'm sure there are a lot of Carolyns, Amys and Sarahs out there who would love to be your friends.
You're a kind person Diane. And nowadays, that's not a trait you find easily in people. You have a pure heart full love for everyone even if you think you don't. If anyone manages to see beyond your facade and the layers you built to protect yourself, they will find themselves in the presence of the best person they will ever know. You're a great person. You're smart,witty and well-cultured. You're warmhearted and generous. You can be grumpy, hard to read and awkward, but that just makes you you. I'm sure you'll find your tribe, or maybe they'll find you.
When you start trusting and being kind to yourself and being authentic, that's when the right people will show up. When you get out of your own head and stop being overly self-conscious, that's when things will get easier." Carolyn hugs her friend after her long speech.
"Why did all of you turn into great talkers all of sudden?" Carolyn chuckles at the question and lightly nudges her.
"We've been great all along. You just weren't paying much attention."
"Come on.. All you talked about was guys!" Diane jokes, as her friend laughs.
"Thank you for saying that Carolyn. I will never forget those words." She pauses then adds in a melancholic tone "I wish you were real."
"I will always be with you, Diane. We all will. You can always find us, hidden in some part of your own self."
This conversation is so bitter-sweet.
For sure, Carolyn's words will always be engraved in Diane's memory.
Suddenly, the two girls get interrupted by the arrival of their other friends.
"You better not dissapoint me Diane. You go out there and show all those normies what you're really capable of!" Amy chimes in eagrly.
"You should allow yourself to have some fun too. Please, do activities to take your mind off things from time to time." Sarah adds.
"You better write novels and start doing yoga. Blast music as loud as you can and equally bother your noisy neighbours. Go to the gym, go for walks, listen to podcasts, draw, color..! There are many things to do, so don't let your days go by just like that, okay? Or else I swear I will-"
"Enough Amy, you're gonna scare her!" Carolyn interrupts her laughing.
"I'll try to do so.."
"Also, start seeing a therapist." Jake states out of the blue.
"I will.."
"You'll find a guy bestfriend. You won't have to fantasize about him forever.
And if you don't, it's not the end of the world. But trust me.. they're out there, the good guys. The Jakes.." Diane smiles at him genuinely.
"You have to go see Gilbert too. He's waiting for you."

Diane finds Gilbert sitting next to a big tree, while gazing dreamly into the blueish sky.
She approaches him and sits down.
"Hey. Can I sit here?"
"You're already sitting." He laughs lightly and she smirks sassily in response.
"I heard you wanted to talk to me..?"
"Of course.. I have a lot to say to you, better get ready. And I hope you won't storm off this time." Diane stares at the ground in embarassement. Crazy how people she knows exist only in her mind manage to make her feel this way.
"Sorry about that."
"It's fine, no worries.
Anyway, what I wanted to say is..
Gilberts sadly don't exist in real life." She looks taken aback by what she heard, as it didn't go as she expected.
"Yeah, perfect guys sadly only exist in imagination. But still, there are good guys out there. They have their flaws, but if it's real love, you'll still love them despite those flaws. Of course, not talking about red flags or toxic traits. I'm talking about flaws like being clumsy or slightly aloof. Things you can grow to adore as time goes by. Not talking about someone who manipulates, gaslights or puts you down. But again, I know you don't have the tolerance for this type and you can spot them from a mile away. You just need to work more on your boundaries and you'll be fine.
You'll find that guy who'll know your worth and be fascinated by you just like me. You're a gem of a woman, always know that.
Don't search for him though. If you guys are meant to cross paths, it will happen. Only search for you true self and for ways to make your life easier."
They share some silence for a while until she speaks up again.
"Thank you Gilbert. I'll keep those words in mind. This conversation will reside rent-free in that weary heart of mine.
You'll always be the one I love the most though."