Ready or Not

Chapter 30

Another two weeks pass in domestic bliss. During the entire stay, Namjoon has been managing every meal. But now that you feel the dexterity in your left-hand returning, you offer to make him dinner tonight. Your go-to dinner recipe is baked ziti. When you offer to make it for Namjoon, you get a flash of chaos in Austin's kitchen. Believe it or not, you haven't thought of Austin once in the past month and feel that you've finally exorcised that demon from your life. So, you and Namjoon head out to the grocery store to pick up all the necessary ingredients. Even though the two of you are having sex every day, often more than once a day, Namjoon's hands are on you every chance he gets. Holding your hands, smoothing out your hair, touching any and all exposed skin, and kissing the said exposed skin. While you are standing in front of a wall of salad dressings, Namjoon snakes his hands around your waist, and whispers in your ear, " I love you Baby girl."

As you and Namjoon walk up and down the aisles in private delight, Austin watches you interact with Namjoon so lovingly. Austin hasn't laid his eyes on you in almost two months but missed you terribly every single one of those days. Even in this moment, he is considering running into you "accidentally" so that he can look into your eyes once again. So that he can ask you how you have been doing. He thinks, "I miss her. I miss her so much." Austin thought about reaching out to you, to text you or to call you. Even if it was just to hear your voice. But he reminded himself that it was him that ended things with you that night at the party and thought better of it every time. But you were never far from his thoughts.

Austin sees the cast on your arm and leg and wonders what exactly happened to you that you ended up hurting yourself so badly. He worries that you might be putting yourself in situations that might not be safe for you and thinks, "I would have kept her safe. She would never have been out of my sight." When he was alone, he often times replayed what happened that night at the party and how he behaved in the stairwell. Every time he recollects that memory, he feels overwhelming guilt for taking his anger and frustration out on you. Then he thinks about everything that he said to you before he walked out of your life completely. He thinks, "I should have never shouted at her like that. I should have waited until I was feeling less angry, less hurt, and less frustrated." He also felt tremendous guilt over walking out on you without any explanation... just letting go of your collar, turning his back and walking out on you. He can still hear you calling for him from the stairwell, "Austin, No!" But he didn't want to give into you like he so often did after an argument. So, he left the stairwell and made a beeline for the bank of elevators and found one that was already waiting for him. He walked into the empty elevator car with tears still streaming down his face.

Austin truly thought that you would reach out to him first. Then maybe he would apologize for his behavior and tell you how much he loved you; tell you that he can't be without you. But you never did call. He knew that there was a huge chance that the minute he was out of the picture, either Namjoon or Warren would try and slide into fill the position that he left behind. But he really thought you'd come back to him eventually, that the love you two shared was too strong for something like this to come between the two of you. But now, things appear to him that you'd forgotten about him altogether and moved on happily.

Even now, to watch Namjoon's hands all over you, makes Austin's blood boil. But he reminds himself that he doesn't have the right to feel that way anymore. He thinks, "I ended it. I was the one who walked away from her." Sure, but how does one stop loving someone? Austin really thought you were it, the one. He truly believed that he had found his future wife, his soulmate, the mother of his children, the love of his life. Austin feels that deep loss, that feeling of vast emptiness in his chest where your love used to reside, and he feels it every single day. He can't understand how things got so messed up and how things got so out of hand. And now, you are back in his arms.