I, Love

20 - But I Had To

Jennifer's POV

I sniffed and sobbed. Then I felt his touch on my chin and he forced me to look into his face.
„Please.", I couldn't stop begging. „Please don't. Please.", I whispered quietly as my voice was trembling. I was so scared, I just can't lose him. It felt like I was about to die.

He pulled me into a firm embrace, causing me to cry loudly into his shoulders.
„I won't.", he said with a very calming voice, as he put his hand on my head and started caressing it.
„I won't.", he repeated.
It felt like a huge weight was lifted from my body and the storm inside me calmed down.  My breathing slowly normalized.
He won't leave.

He took my face into his hands and we locked eyes.
„I won't leave you. I love you and I won't ever let you go again.", he spoke while I looked at him with big eyes.
My eyes started to get watery again, because I was so relieved that I haven't lost him.
„I love you.", I whimpered.
„And I love you.", he said and pulled my face closer to his.

Our foreheads leaned on each other and our lips were slightly open. We inhaled each other and slowly brought our lips closer together until they finally touched.
A rush flooded through my body as we kissed and it released millions of butterflies on it's way. It was a soft kiss, involving just our lips, expressing the pain we both felt very vividly.

He was still holding my head while I had my hands around his waist.
We stopped kissing and he looked into my eyes again.

„But we have to talk about it.", he said.
I nodded.
„Now.", he said.
I felt tired but I understood. We sat down on the couch again, facing each other and holding hands.

„Do you miss something?", he asked.
„No! I don't.", I answered and it was the truth. I didn't miss anything with him.
„Then why am I not enough?"
„You are baby. Oh my god. I don't want you to feel like you're not. This has nothing to do with you. You're perfect.", I assured him, and I was a hundred percent honest.

„What is it then?"
That was a tough question.
„I don't know. It just...", I felt so hard to even try to be honest here, because I don't wanted to hurt him more than he already is.
„It's okay. I wanna know.", he said as if he could read my mind.
„I don't want to hurt you even more.", I said and pressed his hands.
„The thing is... I want you to be happy. I want to be sure I know you. Every part of you. The good, the bad, the uncomfortable. The crazy. The love. The lust. Everything. And what hurts the most is that you haven't been honest with me. I want the real you, the raw, stripped down you."

I inhaled deeply and said: „Okay."
„See, Leah and I have always been close and I feel very comfortable with her. Always have. And this felt very comfortable and familiar. Easy. And nice.", I tried my best to describe it without using sexual language.
„And why didn't you stop when we started?"
„I tried. But I failed. Maybe because it was so familiar now and I couldn't imagine not having it. And it's just..."
„What?"
„No, I can't."
„I can take it."

I looked at him worried. Why is he doing that to himself?
„It's different. You know. Bodyparts."
„So that's the something I obviously can't
give you.", he said.
„Well... you can give me something else and I love it just as much."
„So what now, Jennifer?"
„I'll stop. Because you are the love of my life and I don't want to hurt you, baby."
„But if you could, you would continue, right? I mean if today didn't happen, then you just would."

„I....", he was right. But I couldn't bring myself to say it.
„You don't need to answer."

We sat there quietly for a few moments.
„So you'll stop. No more you and her."
The thought hurt me so much. No more Leah and me? After all, she's still my best friend.
„You mean... not at all? Leah is my best friend."

He exhaled loudly.
„I.. I don't know. Can I trust you?", he asked.
„You can!", I said and I hoped this wasn't a lie. I hoped he could.
„After all, I can't tell you what to do and what not. I won't forbid anything. We're partners, I'm not your boss and as I said, I want you to be happy."
I was truely touched by his words.
„But I want you to be happy too.", I whispered and put my palm on his cheek.

I leaned in to kiss him.
„Why don't we call it a night? I'm exhausted.", he said.
„Okay."
We walked upstairs and he put one arm around me. How lucky am I?

Ben's POV

We layed in bed and I hugged her tight while she buried her head in my chest. What she did hurt. Her lying to me hurt even more. But I will never let her go again. I just got her back. Plus I understood how much she loved me, I could see it very clear when she was at my feet, begging. Like she was about to lose her life. Seeing her like that almost killed me.

And somehow I could understand what she explained to me. Why she did it, why she couldn't stop. And that it had nothing to do with me. I don't think I could forgive that if anyone else did it.
But she's mine. My girl, the love of my life, my future wife.

I listened to her soft breathing and kissed her on her head.
„I love you.", I whispered. Jennifer was already asleep.

Jennifer's POV

I woke up and looked at my phone to see a text from Leah.

„Are you okay? What happened? Call me."

I turned around to see Ben. He was still asleep.
I kissed his shoulders softly and crawled out of bed quietly to tiptoe into the bathroom.

Leah picked up fast.
„Jen, I'm so sorry!", she blurted out.
„It's not your fault.", I assured her.
„Tell me what happened?", she asked.
„I confessed."
Silence.

„And he forgave me. I had to explain myself but it looks like we're going to be okay."
Again silence.
„Good.", she finally said and it sounded genuine.
„So what now?", she kept asking.
„I think it's better if...", I paused and felt a knot building in my stomach. „...If we lay low for a while. As friends."
I heard her sobbing.
„Baby...", I said. „We're not out of each others lifes, it's just temporary."

I sat down on the bathroom floor with my back against the wall, listening to her quiet sobs and leaned my head back.
Tears were rolling down my face as well.
„You know..", she said softly. „That is what I was always most afraid of. Losing you."
„You're not losing me.", I whispered and my voice started to crack.
She said nothing but I could hear her breathing shakily.
„So then I guess I'll hear from you. Someday.", she said.
„You will.", I replied.
„Okay.", she whispered and continued: „I love you."
„I love you too.", I whispered back.
We hung up and I put my arms on my knees and burried my head between them, with my phone still in my hand, crying silently.
It hurt so bad to lose her. Even just for a while and I knew things won't be the same again.

„Was that Leah?", I suddenly heard Ben talk and looked up to him. He must've came inside after we ended our call.
I immediately wiped my tears, because I didn't wanted him to see how hurt I was.
„Yes.", I said softly.

He sat next to me and leaned his back on the wall as well. I layed my head on his shoulders.

„You don't have to do this.", he said.
„I know baby.", I replied.

But I had to.