I, Love

49 - Morning Has Broken

Jennifer's POV

I got out of bed carefully and walked to the bathroom. I avoided looking in the mirror and just undressed fully to take a shower.

I felt exhausted, empty. Like my emotions were shut off and all I could feel was physical pain.

The water washed away the blood on my body and I watched the water mix with my blood until they disappeared in the drain. The longer I stood the clearer the water got until there was no more blood visible.

I got out, dried myself and put on some clothes along with a pad that Dr. Liebermann had left.

Then I walked back to the bedroom. Ben still wasn't back, so I grabbed the towels and threw them in a corner in the bathroom. I don't know where they keep plastic bags in here so I figured that was a tomorrow problem. Just as I got back into bed, Ben walked in. I immediately saw that he had been crying.

„Baby..", I whispered. He crawled into bed and put his head on my chest, while he put his arm around me.

Now I felt the emotional pain coming back again, but it was just for Ben. I felt like I've disappointed him and I couldn't make his dream come true. I lost his baby. I failed him.

„I'm so sorry.", I whispered with tears in my eyes.
„It's not your fault.", he whispered back.

I heard him, but I didn't believe him.

I closed my eyes. „I lost it. I.. I couldn't keep it."

„Stop!", he said and looked into my eyes.
„It's not your fault! There's nothing you've done wrong. You understand?", he said sternly.

I looked away. I felt incredibly guilty.
„I'm tired.", I said quietly. It was about 3 in the morning by now.

„Okay.", he whispered and we both lied down and tried to sleep.

I still hoped everything that had happened was just a bad dream and we would wake up and everything will be fine. Our baby bean would still be there, perfectly safe inside of me.

It just needed to be a dream because something this painful isn't supposed to happen, right? Who could live through that?

It's just a dream.

I fell asleep praying and saying it over and over again in my head.

I woke up the next morning and I knew it was already broad day because of the light that peeked through the curtains.
I stretched and remembered.
A dream, right?

I looked at Ben, still sleeping peacefully. I sat up and suddenly felt fluids coming out of me. Blood. And I knew it wasn't a dream. I could perfectly feel the pad now and it felt like my world was tumbling down on me.

It wasn't a dream. I lost our baby yesterday.

I lied back down, turned to the side and grabbed my knees. I put myself in a fetal position and then I couldn't hold back anymore. My heart ached as badly as it never did before. It felt like it bursted into a million pieces, slowly and painfully.

I cried. Loud and scary, like I never did.

Ben's POV

I woke up because I heard Jennifer crying like I've never heard her before.

Her cries shook me deeply.
I sat up, grabbed her shoulders and made her sit, then I pulled her into my embrace. Her whole body was shaking in my arms and I had to cry too. We sat there crying in each other's arms for a while, until we both ran out of tears.

Jennifer looked at me. „I'm sorry, I..."
I cupped her face with a form grip.
„No. Don't. Don't apologize. It's not your fault. You hear me?", I spoke with a serious voice because I really needed to get to her. Seeing her torturing herself killed me. It killed me that she thinks she's responsible for what happened in any way.

She looked down and sobbed. Her face was still in my hands so I lifted it up again and kissed her. „I love you. You're so strong baby, and we'll get through this."

„We will?", she asked with a shaky voice and looked at me as if she was searching for hope in my eyes.
„We will!", I assured her.

I hugged her again and she hugged me back really softly, almost not noticeable.

„You need to eat.", I said to her.
„I can't eat. I... can't think of anything else but... I can't eat."
„You have to. I'll get you something."

She sighed. „I'll go to the bathroom. Do whatever you want."

She got up and walked to the bathroom and I went downstairs.

I cleaned up the living room yesterday, but I remembered the mess in the bathroom.
She can't see this. No one can. I hope no one did so far, but I already texted her staff management that no one was allowed to come inside for the next couple of days, so that should be safe.

I checked the back door for food, as I had told them to leave anything they prepare there.
I found what I was looking for and brought everything inside.

Then I grabbed towels and drenched them in water to clean up all the dried blood on the floor. I focused on the task and my movements so hard, to distract my mind from the reason I had to do this.

I threw the towels in the trash when I was done. Along with Jennifer's pants, because I don't want anything here that would remind her. I knew that was impossible, but I feel like I had to try.

When I got upstairs Jennifer was in bed again.
„Here..", I said and put the tray with food for both of us on the bed.
It was filled with a shake for her as well as scrambled eggs and toast for me and fresh fruits for us to snack on.

„Please. Eat something."
„I'm tired.", she said and closed her eyes.
„Do you want me to call anybody? Your mom? Lynda?"
„No.", she said and turned away from me.

I can't force her to eat, so I let her sleep.
Around 3pm our bell rang. I went to open up and it was Dr. Liebermann, as I expected.

„How is she?", was the first thing he said.
„Devastated.", I answered him.

„Mh.", he growled and we went upstairs.
Jennifer was awake. Her face was pale and her eyes missed the spark they used to hold.

„How are you today, Ms. Lopez?", Dr. Liebermann asked her as well.
She scoffed. „How am I?", she shook her head and let it sink. „What a question to ask.", she muttered.

„Are you in any physical pain?", he asked, not responding to her attitude.
„No.", she answered quietly.
„Good. I'll need to make an ultrasound to check if everything is gone.", he said.

Jennifer exhaled. „Do whatever you need to."

„What happens if not?", I asked him.

„Then she'll have to got through surgery.", he answered.

Jennifer frowned as she pulled down her pants beneath the sheets.

„Ready?", Dr. Liebermann asked.
Jenifer nodded. I could tell she wasn't, but what choice did she have?

I sat next to her to hold her hand. She pressed it softly as Dr. Liebermann entered her, but she didn't seem to be in pain as she was yesterday.

„Mhmh..", Dr. Liebermann said as he was looking at the monitor. „Looks good, everything will be fine."
„Can I see?", Jennifer asked him.

Why is she doing that? We already know there's nothing left.

„Sure.", he said and showed her.
She stared for a while, until she whispered: „Okay, thank you."

When Dr. Liebermann left I tried to offer her some food again.

She shook her head no and turned on the TV.