I, Love

30 - Without You

Ben's POV

It's only been one night and I missed her like crazy.
It was already evening when my phone rang. I didn't know the number so I didn't pick up. The caller left a message.
I rolled my eyes and listened.

„Ben, this is Benny. I don't know what's going on or why you left just... Jen is miserable. She's not eating and I've never seen her this way. Maybe you can.. I don't know. Talk to her. Make things up."
The message ended.

Jennifer is not eating? The thought of my girl suffering this bad hurt me. I wish I could just go back, but it's not that easy. I don't know what I should do by now.
Maybe I could text her. Or maybe I shouldn't.

My bell rang and my brother came to visit. I needed to talk to someone and I know I can trust him.
He got inside and we talked a little small talk until he asked me why he's here and what I needed his opinion on.

I explained and he listened. Not without popping some ‚What's ‚Oh my lord's and ‚holy fuck's in it.
„I don't know what to do.", I finally said. „I love her and I can't be without her, it hurts so bad. And the thought of her with another man or her getting married to another man one day is.. ugh I can't stand it. She's my girl, you know? But she said she can't keep her hands off Leah and she somehow loves her as well and I... I don't know, it's.."

Casey stopped me. „Okay so, you just said that the thought of her with another man bothers you, and went on to not finding any words about her and Leah and how Jennifer being with her makes you feel. How does it make you feel? I feel, it doesn't bother you as much as her being with another man."

He had a point there.
„I don't know it.. sure it bothers me, I want my girl all to myself. But somehow it's... I don't know. Is it like an extended friendship they have?"

„Extended a LOT!", Casey said and had to laugh at himself.

„I don't know it.. I think... all I want is for her to be happy. And the thing with Leah does make her happy. And I make her happy."

„So?", Casey asked. „I mean maybe this won't go on forever. Maybe they'll lose interest, or Leah starts dating someone.."

„I don't know. That's nothing I wanna speculate about because.. what if they don't.
God I miss her."

„It's been a night, Ben."

„Almost two. And... have you met Jennifer? I miss her so bad. Oh god I miss her laugh and her smile."

„Why don't you just call her?", he suggested.
„I don't know."

Casey went home a few minutes later and I went to bed. Maybe I'll call her tomorrow. Or text. Just to check in on her. I really don't know what to do.

Jennifer's POV

I got home and my chef had made extra yummy food, and I feel like Benny had to do something with it. So I sat down to eat, but I couldn't eat a lot. At least I did eat and I already felt better.

I showered and got into bed, thinking about Ben. Where he was, what's he doing.
The thought of him being with someone else popped up in my head. What if he's fucking someone else to get over me. Or to show me what it feels like.

My heart felt like being clamped in a vise and my stomach turned. I started crying and I felt sick to my stomach. I ran to the bathroom, made it to the toilet, got on my knees and threw up. I leaned my head against the toilet seat and cried. My stomach felt terrible. All the food I managed to eat was.. well, gone.

I brushed my teeth, washed my face and got back to bed, where I cried myself to sleep. I felt pathetic.

I woke up the next morning and I was extremely hungry. Finally. I quickly went downstairs to eat where, again, a lot of yummy
stuff had been prepared. A shake, scrambled eggs, yoghurt and fruits, nuts.
I had some of the shake and ate the yoghurt with fruits, then grabbed a few nuts and I really felt better, energy wise at least. It still wasn't the amount of food I eat normally, but it was something.

My phone buzzed and I looked at it. It was a text from Ben and my heart dropped.

„I want you to know that I'm thinking about you. Us. I'm at my house, taking some time."

I teared up but held myself back and texted him back immediately.

„I miss you. I love you. I'll wait."

That's all I texted because I didn't wanna pressure him by saying I want him to come back. Although I wanted nothing more.

But his text wasn't a goodbye or a break-up or anything. He said he's thinking and maybe I haven't lost him.

With the energy I felt I went and hit the gym before showering and going to rehearsals. Today I was on track and I demanded more run throughs, to catch up what we lost yesterday. Today distracting myself with work worked. I kept my body busy so my mind wouldn't torment me.

I went back home all sweaty and done and I was pleased with myself. After a shower I grabbed my laptop to work some more and sat down to eat.
This is going to be the third night without Ben by my side, I realized.

When I went to bed I looked at his side and cried. Not one day had passed without tears.
The covers still held his scent and I cuddled into them and took deep breaths while I just let the tears come. At some point, I fell asleep.

The next morning came and I had a busy day ahead with meetings and rehearsals. In the afternoon Leah checked in to see how I was and we agreed that she would come over for dinner.