To my dear Chuuya...

CHAPTER 14

"Pretend like nothing happened. Act normal with them," Dazai instructed Chuuya as he walked him to his class. The redhead nodded his head, entering the class, instantly spotting Shirase waving at him. A wave of anger washed over Chuuya, but he clenched his fists and took a deep breath, trying his best to control himself. It really wouldn't look good for him if he killed that white haired bitch in a classroom filled with people.

Chuuya sat down next to Shirase, taking out his notebooks.

"Did you see the exam results? They put them up in the main hallway," Shirase started the conversation, the casualness with which he was talking to Chuuya after plotting his murder just a few moments earlier making the redhead imagine breaking his neck.

"No, I didn't get the chance to look at them," he responded, his voice coming out flat. "What scores did we get?"

"Well, me and Yuan barely managed to pass our classes, but we did it! You on the other hand, got above 95 marks on all the exams. I didn't know you were so smart!"

Chuuya fought the urge to roll his eyes at Shirase. Of course he got good marks. He actually put in effort and studied instead of complaining. Chuuya had always craved validation. Either academic or just simply hearing someone say that he was enough, so he always tried to be the best at everything he did, not giving anyone any reasons to leave him or think that he wasn't good enough for them. He had been in a lot of foster families, and he tried, he tried so goddamn hard to reach their expectations and be the kid they wanted, but in the end, he was never enough for any of them. They always brought him back to the orphanage. And, at some point, he had completely given up on trying to please others. That's why he was here now. But here, in a place filled with broken people, he could finally be the best.

A sudden question crossed Chuuya's mind. "What about Dazai? What marks did he get?"

Shirase seemed taken aback by the sudden question, but he answered anyway. "He got 100 on all of them."

The redhead couldn't help but roll his eyes. "Annoying bastard," he thought. He never put in any effort and he barely showed up to his classes. It almost seemed unfair how smart he was.

For the rest of the class, Chuuya tried to act casual with Shirase and talk to him like he normally would. After an hour had passed, Chuuya turned down his offer to meet with him and Yuan in the schoolyard, saying he was too tired, and he walked straight to his room.

Dazai was already in there, reading at his desk. When Chuuya entered the room, he turned around in his chair, smiling at his roommate, but his eyes were filled with unspoken concern. "How was it?" he asked, obviously referring to Shirase.

The boy shrugged his shoulders, not really wanting to talk about it. "He acted normal," he simply stated. "I'm going to take a shower," he said, leaving Dazai in the room as he went to the bathroom.

Dazai heard the water from the shower, indicating that Chuuya would be in there for quite a while. The boy slouched in his chair, staring at the ceiling. His eyes were void of any light and his mind was filled with a thousand thoughts. He looked down at his hands. They were clean, but he couldn't help but see the red stained on them. He promised himself he would change, but he was still the same. But this time, he knew that it wasn't the same as before. He wasn't doing it for himself or out of boredom. He was doing it for Chuuya. He was going to kill again. For him.

More time must have passed without him realizing, because Chuuya came out of the bathroom, staring at Dazai, who was still in the same position he was in when he entered the bathroom.

"I'm going to sleep," the redhead said, walking up to the bed and scooching over to the right side, his back pressed against the wall. "You can sleep here too, mackerel," he quietly added.

Dazai looked at him with surprise in his eyes, but then a genuine smile blossomed on his face. "How kind of you," he joked, getting up from the desk and getting in bed next to Chuuya.

They just laid there for a few moments, neither of them saying anything, just staring at the ceiling in silence. Dazai wasn't used to having someone close to him; he wasn't used to the comfort of feeling another person next to him. Even though they weren't saying anything, Chuuya's breaths were calming Dazai's racing mind. Knowing that he was there, next to him, made all his worries go away and his body relax, something he wasn't used to.

"What do you think happens when we die?" Dazai suddenly asked, turning on his side so he was looking at Chuuya.

The boy looked at Dazai with a confused expression. "Huh? You mean like heaven and hell?" he asked, also turning on his side so he was facing his roommate.

"Not necessarily," the bandaged boy answered. "I mean yeah, a lot of people believe in those, but I don't think it's that simple," Dazai said, getting Chuuya's full attention. "I think that's the easy way out. Categorizing people into two groups: the ones that end up in heaven -the good guys- and the ones that end up in hell -the bad guys. But nothing's ever that simple, is it? No person can person can be fully good or fully bad," the boy explained.

"I agree with that. I'm not really a believer anyways," Chuuya said. "So, then what do you think actually happens?"

"I think that when we die, we just cease to exist in this Universe. But a part of us still exists, just not in this world. Maybe there are other Universes out there, Universes in which we're still alive, or in which we were never born at all. Or maybe when we die we simply start over again as someone else," Dazai answered Chuuya's question.

Chuuya thought about what he said. "Huh, I guess it's a pretty comforting idea that there might be a Universe out there where we're doing better than here," he smiled, Dazai smiling back, but his eyes weren't happy.

"I find it rather tragic," the boy laughed a humorless laugh. "Knowing that there might be a Universe in which we're better people really makes you wonder what you did wrong in this Universe to turn out this way. But there might also be a Universe in which we're even worse and that's scary too. What if we make similar choices here and end up just as bad as in that world? Or what if no matter in what Universe we are in, we have the same destiny? Knowing that there might be nothing we can do to change our destinies, no matter how many times we start over -being doomed to be the same person we have always been, that's quite cruel, isn't it?"

"Why do you always have to make everything sad, mackerel?" Chuuya rolled his eyes, but he wasn't able to get over the urge to comfort Dazai. The redhead scooched closer to him, resting his head against his chest, the top of his head resting in the crook of his neck. Dazai rested his chin on top of his head, wrapping his arms around Chuuya.

"Yeah, I guess I do always see the empty side of the glass," he chuckled under his breath.

Even though he was trying to brush it off, Chuuya knew that Dazai wasn't ok. That theory he had about different Universes was just his way of saying that he might not be able to change himself, or that he made too many mistakes in this life in order to get into the situation he was in right now.

"I agree with the possibility that there might be alternate Universes, but I don't think our destinies are already written. Yeah, we might essentially be the same people, with the same personalities and mindsets, but I do firmly believe that we are responsible for our own futures and that we can change," Chuuya said, feeling Dazai pull him even closer against his chest.

The bandaged boy planted a kiss on the top of Chuuya's head, letting a breathy laugh out. "Let's get some sleep, slug."

To be continued...

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