To my dear Chuuya...

CHAPTER 20

Happiness could be such a complex and hard to grasp thing. It could have a different meaning for every person or individual, almost seeming an abstract, unachievable concept.

Dazai had given up on happiness a long, long time ago. There was no room for it in his life and, quite frankly, he grew to accept that. After all, why would The Demon Prodigy -the successor of the mafia- deserve such a thing?

Even when he left with Oda, happiness still didn't seem like an achievable thing to him. He was used to living without it, so he never felt the need to go and chase after it.

However, he realized something this morning as he was walking through the halls towards the library with a blank look on his face. Happiness wasn't such an impossible thing, but he just failed to notice it. At first, the simple fact that he escaped and that he had Oda by his side became his hope, but it was such a foreign feeling that he didn't even realize what it was. But it all became clear to him last night when he was with Chuuya. That boy managed to push his way into his heart and make a new sliver of hope bloom in his soul. Hope that he might really be happy one day. And Dazai truly felt that if he had these two by his side, he might really be happy.

But of course, the Universe quickly took all that hope away. God forbid that such a horrible person as himself would feel such a thing. He was born from darkness, so he was doomed from the beginning to live a life of darkness. The world wouldn't let even a bit of light into his life, and Dazai seemed to forget that for a moment. But now he remembered. He remembered that he couldn't have anything good in his life. He was a poison. An infectuous poison that killed everything it touched.

So, when he woke up this morning and he found out that Oda died, he was barely surprised. Of course that would happen. How could he have been so naive as to think he might get what he wanted and feel happiness? This was what he deserved. There was no space in his life for such feelings.

When Chuuya woke up, Dazai was nowhere to be seen. The boy got up, not being able to stop a bad feeling from forming in his chest. When he exited their room, that bad feeling was confirmed. He felt his heart drop at the news, and, without even realizing he was moving, he started running towards the library. It was if an invisible string was leading him towards Dazai and he was sure that he would be there.

When he burst through the door, the bandaged boy was sitting on Oda's desk, fidgeting with his fingers while looking ahead with a blank look on his face.

"Dazai?" Chuuya asked, hesitating before moving towards him.

The boy didn't even react when the redhead called out his name. "Dazai, I- I heard about..." he couldn't finish the sentence. It was too painful to say the words out loud, but they both knew what he was reffering to. "Are you alright?" he asked, even though he already knew the answer.

Dazai still didn't speak. A heavy silence fell around them and, as Chuuya looked around at the room that was once filled with Oda's things, he couldn't help but feel a lump in his throat. It was af if his soul could feel Dazai's pain.

"He was the only one who really believed I could change," Dazai suddenly said, looking ahead at nothing in particular, an empty look in his eyes.

The redhead was startled for a moment, but he quickly regained his composure, the need to ease Daza's pain taking over his body. "You have changed, Dazai," Chuuya said, coming closer to him, trying to caress his cheek with his right hand, but the bandaged boy avoided his touch.

"I don't need you to comfort me, Chuuya," his cold voice startled Chuuya. "I haven't changed at all, and you know it. I don't regret any of the things I did in the past. I know they're terrible things, but I feel nothing when I think about all the people I have killed or the lives I have ruined. And he knew it too. But he still chose to stick by my side and try to guide me, even if I wasn't capable of truly changing. He knew there was something fundamentally wrong with me, but he still stayed. And now he's dead. And I'm still the same monster I've always been. I am a monster, Chuuya," he said, finally looking at the boy in front of him with a devastated look in his eyes.

Chuuya watched Dazai as he spoke those words, a wave of anger washing through him.

"So what?" the redhead asked, making Dazai look at him with a dumbfounded expression. "Do you think I care?" the boy stepped closer to him, grabbing his jaw and making him look up at him. "If you're a monster, then at least be a good one. Don't sit here and sulk. He might be gone, but I'm still here. You don't have to change, Dazai. I have accepted you the way you are a long time ago. If you need to be someone's monster, then be mine. I'll stay by your side."

As Dazai looked at Chuuya's serious, determined face, he felt a new feeling he had never experienced before. Fear.

Children of the mafia didn't feel fear. They were thought from a young age to be cruel monsters that weren't afraid of anything, not even death. But right now, Dazai was truly afraid for the first time in his life. He felt his entire body shake with that emotion, every fibre of his being telling him to get away.

He was afraid of the look in Chuuya's eyes; afraid of his gentle touch and his words; afraid of the hope this boy managed to revive in his soul in just a few seconds; afraid of his own feelings. He was terrified.

He knew it was foolish of him to believe that there was still hope for him. And not only foolish, but also selfish. Chuuya was the lonely, stubborn drop of light that fought its way into the endless darkness that was his life. It would truly be selfish and cruel to accept that bit of light, taking away from it, knowing that he would just end up hurting Chuuya in the end, just like he did with everyone else.

Despite all of this, the feelings in his heart were stronger than the instinct to run away from the fear and he found himself pulling Chuuya closer to him, desperately hugging him as if he was the embodiment of his last bit of humanity.

"I'm going to be your worst mistake, Chuuya," Dazai quietly whispered as a final attempt at warning the redhead; of making him leave before it was too late.

Chuuya wrapped his arms around him, resting his chin on top of his head with determination.

"I don't care."

To be continued...

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