A Bughead story

Chapter 44

                           One week later

I have made and sent all the money to jughead. He just dosent know it's from me because if he did then he would just send it back. I hope he's getting help now. Christmas is in a few days. I feel terrible that he wont be home for Christmas. He's going to be alone with his friends from Montreal. I miss him so much I've been praying every night for him. I got a dishwashing job at pops. I work there every night from 5-8. It's not terrible. It pretty easy actually and I've been getting my school work done and I've kept working for the publishing house. I am going to keep working so that I'll have money for the baby, and even more for jughead to get more help if he needs. It's been slow without him. Everything has just stoped it feels like. I can't help but think of what he's doing. If he's met someone else, if he's been drinking again, if he's not actually going to get help, maybe he's forgotten about me. What if he slept with any other girl? Would he?

I can't stop thinking about what he said last week "drunk words are sober thoughts" so he's thought of killing himself before? God I can't even think of it. I have been eating more. But not much. But I don't sleep at night. Not anymore. And I've been having nightmares. About him. It's 3AM right now and I lay wide awake. I look at the whole in my wall. My mom asked me to patch it up but I refused. I want it there to remind me why I sent him away. It makes me miss him less sometimes. But I also blame myself for not believing him and not being able to fix him. I've been googling pregnancy symptoms and I've not been having much except stomach soreness and being highly emotional. Is he out with a girl right now? Is he in bed with her? I really can't stop myself from thinking. He was my first time but I don't think I was his.  I take my phone out and look at pictures of us. When we were happy and didn't have any problems. I find myself crying without tears. Maybe I have used them all up. I worry that we are only given a certain amount of happiness and perhaps I've used it all up when I first met him. I go downstairs and sit on the couch. I stare at the Christmas tree. Christmas is supposed to be happy and it's not. It's dull and it's empty. My heart hurts so badly. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to text him and ask how he is? But of course he won't answer it's 3:30 AM. I am just sitting here empty and drained. I go to the kitchen to make myself coffee. I drop the coffee mug and it shatters. I bite the insides of my cheeks to stop myself from crying. I sit down and clean the parts up off the floor. "Betty? What are you doing making a cup of coffee at 3?" fp asks me rubbing his head. "It's fine it's just the mug, you should go back to bed". I tell him and he starts helping me pick up. "what's bothering you enough to keep you up?" He asks not giving up. "I can't sleep and when I do I have nightmares about jughead so I just stay awake". I admit a few tears roll down. "Betty get a journal and write down everything you are thinking about and I promise it will help you." He says and I almost laugh. "It's true. I did it in rehab and jughead is doing it now. He has the same problem he's probably awake right now writing." He informs me and I take it into consideration. "Ok I will try it as long as you go back to bed now." I say to him and he does. I get out a paper and I write down everything that's been on my mind since last week.

By the time I wake up it's light out and I'm laying on the kitchen floor. Shit I have to work. I rush upstairs leaving my paper downstairs. I start off doing some books. Then after I finished that one I do some homework. After that I do another book. Then I take a quick break. Then I read half of the last book for the day. I do some more homework for science class. I finish all schoolwork for today. So then I read the rest of the last book. Then I leave the reviews. After I finish all of it I go downstairs and I have an hour and a half until I have to go to pops. I take a quick nap. I feel so much better sleep wise. But not with stress. I feel like it's one thing after another now with work.  I wake up 30 minutes until I have to be there. I put my jacket on and hurry out the door. I have to walk to work since I don't have a car. My mom has hers at work and fp doesn't have one. But my mom always picks me up once I'm done  with work. It's cold out but it's not terrible. Plus it's only a mile or so away. I do get scared to walk alone though. I mean who wouldn't be it's Riverdale. I always carry pepper spray in my bag so I should be okay. I get paid well enough at pops. Plus I just have to wash dishes. I make it there on time. I put my jacket and purse away and then I go into the washing room. There isn't many people. It's Thursday. It will be a slow night. And I am fine with that since I can just listen to music back here and wash whatever dishes come my way.