i, you, & them

mom

i'm somewhere far from home for this week
joining my mother in her loneliness
you know, she tries hard to be the best i can ever get
i can never be the best she wants me to be
i don't blame her
i'm aware
in the night as my chest aches out of guilt
and there are tears in my eyes midway
our conversation about
what to eat for the eve

how do you tell your mom you want to die?
how do you tell her, your life-giver, that
you've been planning it for years?
contemplating it
wishing everyday it'd come naturally
like an accident, or an unknown disease
i wish i wasn't like this
she craves the child that i was
and i no longer crave the mother i dream of
there are flaws even in expectations

i don't know what to tell her
i don't know what to write
years of kept words and yet
i'm quiet
the ticking of a timebomb all through the night