imbalance I neteyam sully

epilogue . to him

the last couple years have been a constant cycle of pain. the memories of him, the things i didn't say or do in those last few moments with him haunt me, haunt me to where i can't sleep.

i'm sleeping with lo'ak again, but it isn't just lo'ak and i anymore.

nyree, our daughter neteyam. she is so beautiful, so perfect. the love i have for her is something i thought id never feel after you passed, all that i wish was that you were here to raise her with me. 

she looks just like you; but she did take after me with her eyes but her hair? it's something so beautiful, it's a mix, pieces of white with her dark brown. neteyam, you'd love her, you'd love her more then you ever loved me, she is un describe-able, people visit the ocean lands just to see her. 

her beauty isn't hidden. 

lo'ak hasn't been the same since you left, he never leaves me or nyree. tsireya tries to get him to come with her places, try to move his mind off of you, it doesn't work, he stays by me, he tells me that you would've wanted him to keep us safe but at the risk of loosing everything in his life? no, i know you wouldn't. 

everyday early in the morning is the only time i get away from lo'ak and that's because he doesn't know i do this. i sit on the barrier between the reef and ocean watching as the waves hit against it, watching all the small ocean creatures swim around. 

something was different this morning, i could feel it. i turn in the direction of a body standing over me.

it was kiri, but it wasn't just kiri, the morning sun was blocking my view of the second person, "hi kiri," i softly smile and push myself up off the rocks and look into the other person's eyes. 

"the great mother showed me many things, i begged for years for him, for his second birth, second birth like his father," she tells me and turns towards neteyam, his eyes just staring into mine, "he isn't always going to be here, he is a still within eywa passed on but she's brung his soul back only for the early hours in the morning, before anyone wakes, for you, her child," kiri turns back into my direction. 

i can't even process half of what kiri said, all i can see is him, all i want is to be able to touch him. 

"akari," his voice spoke softly, tears begin to stream down my cheeks, "why are you crying?" he walks towards me and his hand reaches for my face.

i feel him. 

"ma'neteyam," i look into his eyes and take in every part of him.

he wasn't there completely, he isn't coming back to us but the brief visits from him in the mornings.. being able to tell him about life, tell him all the things i wish i had, is all i ever wanted and i'm so thankful for the great mother.

his hand brushes back my hair and tucks it behind my ear, "i miss you, i miss you so much," my voice breaks, "i know baby, i know," his voice is soft and sincere, "please forgive me," he whispers, "i forgave you on that day, i know you were just trying to bring peace to your family," i respond and begin to touch his face.

a small smile appears on his face and in that moment i saw nyree, i saw his daughter within him. 

"neteyam, i must show you something," i let go of him and begin to walk off but kiri grabs onto my arm, "he only has ten minutes left before i have to take him back," she tells me, i nod my head, "i'll be quick, i promise."

"ill be back ma'neteyam," i quickly run off into the distance.

by the time i got to the tent nyree was awake and walking around the tent causing chaos, "shhh," i whisper to nyree and lift her in my arms then begin to walk out, "where are you going?" a voice spoke behind me, lo'ak.

"lo'ak please," i beg and continue to walk, "i don't have time," i continue and begin to run, "akari!" he yells to me and i can hear his feet smacking against the ground as he runs after me.

i turn to lo'ak, "lo'ak you can't see this, you must stay here please," he shakes his head, "either i'm coming or you aren't going anywhere."

i let out a sigh, "i'm sorry for this," i whisper and we begin to walk across the rocks towards the two people sitting on them. 

"who is that?" lo'ak questions, "kiri," i respond, "and?" he questions and i don't answer. 

poor, poor lo'ak. 

their heads turn towards the three of us, a whimper leaves lo'ak as he walks towards neteyam. 

"neteyam?" he quietly speaks and neteyam grabs his brother pulling him into a hug, "my brother, forgive me for leaving you," neteyam begins, "you're here, how are you here?" lo'ak pulls away and looks down at his brother. 

kiri looks at lo'ak, "a gift from eywa, he isn't back completely.. he is only here for a couple hours within the morning, he is his soul, memories, body but he cannot stay," she turns towards nyree, "we only have a couple minutes left," kiri tells us.

lo'ak was in a trance watching neteyam, "nyree, where is nyree?" lo'ak questions and turns towards me as i slowly walk up to neteyam.

neteyam's eyes meet nyree's and both their faces form into a smile, a familiar smile, "my baby," he whispers and picks her up, "look how big you are," nyree looks into her dads eyes and giggles, her softly white and brown hair blows in the wind and she turns towards me, "dada," she spoke with a rasp. 

dada

i tilt my head in confusion, "eywa has let me see her a few times," neteyam answers my thoughts, "i saw her during the growing stages within there," he rubs my stomach and i look down.

he knew his daughter before i did, yet i laid there all these years believing he hadn't. 

lo'ak, neteyam, kiri, nyree and i spent the last couple minutes with each other, expressing words we had never said, our love for one another, how lo'ak is so possessive over nyree and i. neteyam told him not to revolve his life around us and that he knows i'm capable of protecting nyree and i, lo'ak felt relieved to hear neteyam tell him this. 

i wish we could have him back forever but the mornings we spend with him are so beautiful, so precious, the perfect gift and some mornings when it is just neteyam and i, i believe eywa did that for a reason, gave him the opportunity.. we loved in those hours, we made wishes and pleads to eywa, to one another. 

but seeing him those occasional mornings was enough, the mornings extended to a lifetime, i was blessed with more then nyree, there is now ngaire, nopera and nahi. they were perfect, so beautiful, so.. pure.

after the birth of my son, nahi, neteyam left, the morning of his birth was the last time any of us saw him. kiri believed it was because the soul of neteyam had entered his son's, the re-birth of my once lover, his second birth.

jake, neytiri and tuk found out about the morning visits after the first couple months. the couple would usually be found in the morning hours talking to neteyam and leaving once we arrived, neteyam told me that when he would arrive there, they would always be waiting and would talk for hours, they wanted their own time with their son so eywa began adding earlier hours to his visit without our knowledge to please jake and neytiri. 

once the birth of nahi, it was as if neytiri could sense her son, she knew before any of us did that neteyam wouldn't be returning. she calls nahi, her spirit, nobody bonded with nahi more then neytiri did, they had a connection unlike anything i've ever seen or experienced.

the grieving mother finally seeing her son again. 

as they grew older, the tent began to become filled with the photos of my past, photos of neteyam filled our walls and as nahi grew older i wasn't able to tell the difference between a photo of him and a photo of neteyam til i looked at their necklaces. everything down to the freckles on their skin was the same, i couldn't help but stare at him for hours. 

to my forever,
thank you for your gifts, 
they're beautiful and ill love them
til the day i pass on and i'm unable to. 

after 15 years my love for you stays the same,
i love you neteyam.