Me and that's it

The day of tomorrow

Night time is coming. There aren't many things left, but what's important, I am alive. I can't really say, if I really know how priceless this is, but one day, one day I am gonna shine like all those stars which I see above my head. Constellations above me are making sense, my life, for me, doesn't.

It's already here. The day which is supposed to end all my struggles and give me a chance to start again. To forget everything what's happened and only focus on things which really  matter. Sitting alone outside, the forest is waving at me and I am trying not to allow him to grab my attention. It's important to keep clear mind. At least for me in this moment. I am saying those words out loud: "You can do this!"

I am opening the door getting inside to my friends, people, I love {If I really can say that in my current state am able to feel something}. We have 20 minutes till midnight. Putting on our warm winter clothes, trying to find matches, and bottle opener to be sure we are gonna be able to open the bottle of champagne. Yes. You're right, it's the New year's eve. It's my first time not spending it with my parents and I have a feeling, it has to change something. I am unable to leave all my biases behind the gate leading to the local meadow, but still, I am confidently walking straight to my future.

Standing there, six of us, people close to me. I feel nervous. One from the hard chapters of my life is reaching its end. And I am part of my life. "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!", every one of us screamed to the dark night. This feeling, space to leave some things behind me. I wish it worked. But the strong emotion of unity has waken me up from the nightmare which is  playing with my mind every time when I am unable to focus on anything. I am here, with my friends, with people, who've surprisingly crossed my way and have influenced it somehow. I felt happiness. And I was so thankful. I have been feeling alone for too long. Big loooong group hug. Tears... and that's been the beginning of tomorrow.

I am back, talking to a friend, alone, about things which cause my incompetence to concentrate. I have anorexia nervosa. That's it. So simple. Yes, it'd be, but a half year ago, I've finally decided to recover. I had no choice after all. I was staying in the host family while studying new language in new country and I haven't been smart enough to keep it hiding forever. No energy for studying, no will to eat more than a "few" vegan calories a day. They've found out what's going on faster than I'd expect. And from that moment, I am fighting every day. No, I am fighting only when I see the motivation. And during the last few weeks, the motivation has started to disappear.

It hasn't been easy, but I was doing everything not to lose my progress. Crying while gaining weight, crying while having quarrels with my parents, crying while feeling worthless. Having appointments with psychiatrists, psychologists, other doctors. Having feeling like a smashed tin can, but still going forward, not straightly, but still having hope. Having a will to recover.

The door to the room has opened and my sister has entered the room asking, if she's gonna be an aunt. I am maybe unable to talk to my male friend and not closer with him, in our family. I love my little sis, but it wasn't the right moment. The tears were dripping from my eyes. She knew about everything, but for the last few weeks, I've been pretending that I have everything under the control. It's different. I am having depressive thoughts not being able to escape from them, thinking about not living anymore, hating myself, hoping to wake up one day from this nightmare. Unfortunately, I am awake and those tears are real. I am broken.

3am, I hear someone crying, I go downstairs. My friends feeling overwhelmed by their own struggles and in comparison to them, I am having a very good day. Lost of the loved one, bullying in school,.. And to begin the next year while missing someone, while feeling fear due to the fact that the problems don't magically disappear, can be hard.

I am missing myself. My confidence thanks to my slim body, the feeling that I am someone. Loneliness has gotten me and I fell asleep after hours full of tears.

The sun is already over the horizon and  I am sitting on the hay bale at the meadow. Alone. My friends are sleeping. I am eating my protein bar and looking to amazing mountains in front of me. I am alive, but I don't feel anything. I am just staring to the World in front of me. I am empty. I hate it, because I remember days, when much more things have been beautiful and amazing for me. I am tired, but I miss something. I miss my life.

Stepping into the next year, reaching the point, when I laugh through the tears. When I feel that maybe every bottom has its own private bottom.

But after talking with friends, I found out that I am not alone. We all struggle on the daily basis. We all cry, we laugh, we share our feelings. And it's okay not to be okay. I see the world through the sunglasses right now, but I am the only one, who is capable of change, who is able and allowed to write the future. I have to find enough power to fight.