Snowflakes, falling down to my face, melting down and masking my tears. It's not really winter anymore, but I feel covered by coldness. I wish it was that clear as the sky in the summer. My mood is being covered by fog, by the smoke produced by my own fireplace in my own house. I am not proud of it, it's like being destroyed by your own mind. It's not me, but it is at the same time. I've been writing about it many times, many days were like those in this week. I felt like it's over. I thought I am strong enough to control myself, strong to not think about myself anymore. To see that the World can be beautiful, awesome, amazing and all those things. But I am falling asleep again and I know that this time, it's gonna have it's consequences.
Days are changing, well, we all know about it, but overthinking it makes it worse, why is the purpose of life that important for me that I am wasting so much energy trying to figure out what's motivating me to live?
School makes it better and worse at the same time, yes, without school I'd be alone somewhere outside, but with school, I have so many people around me, who can easily hurt me, hurt my pretty much broken self. I know it's normal, to have moods, to feel alone, to not fit in the crowd, here are some days, when I spread positivity around me more than I maybe should. Then people talk about me as about the crazy one, having puberty again. Well, maybe they are not that far from reality. I am so unstable because many things which I am unable to change have happened. And it's stopped the development of my personality somehow. But I am not gonna share this with people, who only see me, when they need help with German language, in which I am pretty good btw.
Then, there's a feeling that I can't hurt anyone around me, so my smart mind has come to the idea to not to talk to them. I'd really like to, but I am unable to do it myself, I don't feel the power to do it. To just step into their conversation like: "hello, I am here as well!" I don't feel worthy right now, I feel like I am distracting them, like I am gonna hurt them again, when they are gonna think I need help or whatever. Like I am gonna cover them up with my negativity, with my irrationality. And I don't want them to feel like I do right now. Everyone struggles, someone more someone less, but we are fighting. And I don't know where all my problems came from, but I don't like them. Yes, we are friends at some point, but we are destroying each other. I can't describe it using words. And now, due to my stupidity, I am loosing my friends, I am loosing myself again.
And I was determined to be positive. I know that it's changing, sometimes, I am stronger than my thoughts, stronger than my inner voice trying to create World without me, but sometimes, I fall for it's compliments, for it's complains, for it's safety. And then, this happens, I have to get out of it, it can last weeks, days, and then I feel good again. I wish I could be a good friend, I wish I could be a good person. And I know I hurt people around me and I am scared of things which might be created by me in the future. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt any of them. I don't want to lie to them and to me, but I am stuck.
YOU ARE READING
Me and that's it
Teen FictionHere is, how it's right now, also where it began, and how I hope it would like in the future.
