Me and that's it

So what?

Talking is overwhelming sometimes, yet I still talk too much. Every single word, every sentence coming out of my mouth is breaking the unbearable quiet. I am loosing my voice. It's the consequence of keeping all my words for myself for a longer time. I've really been talking too much.

It's morning, sun is rising and so am I. Weird, right? Standing up from my parody for bed which I was sleeping in and having the night full of complicated thoughts. How happy I really am? When I walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I see the reflection of myself in the mirror. A thought telling me I am awesome, beautiful and capable of gorgeous things appears. With a blink, it's away and I am shaking from the feeling of unknown and the cold spreading through my body. And that's it. A simple person who's woken up sooner than everybody else trying to live the life, as she's planned to. But this isn't working according to the plan.

Slowly walking to the front door to escape from all this mess created in my head. The door closes and those inner sounds are getting quieter. I am feeling at least tiny little bit freer. The forest is calling me again so I open the gate. It's screeching, but no one hears me, at least, I hope. I could walk this way even blind because during winter, staying in the cottage, this is the ritual of the morning, nearly every single one. I stand in the forest. I feel like I am not alone. Is someone following me? Has someone found out that there's something wrong with me and has decided to join me to find out what's wrong? I am not right. I see two curious eyes behind the group of trees. They are looking at me and trying to find out what I am. Even I don't know that, why should anybody else be able to answer this question?

I look into deer's eyes. It doesn't move and we are only looking at each other. It lasts about 5 minutes. After that I ask loudly:"So what?" It didn't run away, instead of it, I was following it's path for a while and then, our directions have changed and we started to follow our own ways.

I took a walk in the fog thinking about all those dumb things I've done during previous months. I am like a foggy weather. I feel like I have fog in my head and I am unable to get rig of it or even at least see through it. It's gonna get better. But how and when?

I am trying to be positive, to smile, to have fun and to see that the World is such a beautiful place and time to live in. Unfortunately, first I have to find out what's my reason to be happy, what's my reason to live and find out, who I am.