Me and that's it

"MoNtE", why are you always smiling?

MONTE. A week ago, this was my nickname at the summer camp for kids, where I was the person responsible for fun. Well, you may be asking how I managed to get there or if it wasn't an irresponsible decision from my side. Maybe yes,  maybe no, I am unable to be sure about that, yet magical things were happening and they weren't caused by a delusional state.

I woke up on the second day. Nothing special, really. Just the shy Sun lazily shining above, my friends/colleges still sleeping and a strange thought appearing in my head. "What if they see you upset, what if you'll struggle to stay present. You might disappoint not only your friends, but also the innocent kids." I was stunned by my brain trying to persuade me that I am not suitable for this job. Instead of deeply rethinking my values, I stood up, got dressed and headed to get ready for another day. For the day when I'll show myself, that there are also cases, when I am not only a disappointment.

While eating lunch, the strange thought appeared in my head again. It was stronger this time. Bringing nothing but hopelessness. In the combination with uncertain ingredients in my lunch, I had to stand up and go. Stand up, process, and be alone to show myself that it can't be that bad. I am hitting a wall with my fist, at least in my thoughts. I can't let myself destroy another opportunity I got. All of this was like an impossible dream for me few months ago. And now, I am here, I am here living my life. I wiped off my tears. Got back to legs and decided to face whatever comes.

I felt embarrassed by myself and my acts. I continued in preparing program for kids and all those insecurities stayed quiet for a while.

I was ready. I could show my positive aspects again. I was smiling, but I haven't noticed it this time. I am walking down the stairs to the common room for the second session of the day. As I was contentedly recapitulating my preparation for today, I've encountered one of the kids. It was a boy who didn't behave very well most of the time. He stopped me, and was ready to ask me a question. I wasn't sure what to expect, so I was just hoping for something good. He asked me the most interesting and at the same time the simplest and purest question of the day. "MoNtE, why are you always smiling?" I was stunned for a while. I can't be that honest with him. I just can't. So I replied with a question. "And what do you think? Should I be crying instead? Every single day, I wake up, look at the Sun, I see no reason not to be happy."

But in my head, my whole story appeared. If he was my friend and if he was much older, I would reply like this. "I am smiling, because I feel free. Because at least for a few days, I was able to forget who I was. I was able to be who I am and it makes me feel alive, it makes me feel happy. I am smiling because I can, because I am able to and know, that there might me times of lacking this kind of hopefulness. I am dancing and I can run, stand on my legs and much more. I am proud to see you happy around me, I love my responsibility and my attitudes. You know, there are so many things that seem useless in life, being happy is one of them. But I stand here even though and I am smiling. For a moment I have accepted that not everything has to make sense. That I can celebrate myself by smiling at other children and see their day getting better. I make an impact, I spread happiness and laughter and it enhances all aspects of human existence. That's why I am always smiling, when you see me passing by.........."