Me and that's it

Let the darkness come

Some days seem to be very good, other not that bad, but there are sometimes days, when you feel like this has to be a very good day, but you feel weird, like your thoughts are overwhelming you and your head is going to explode. It happens to me as well and I can't decide whether it's better than bad mood or not. I feel like I am not really ready to live, like all those things outside are so complicated to be fully understood and I don't really get why people don't talk about it. We live in a system, which I don't understand, I know how it's supposed to look like, yet I still feel not fulfilled being part of it. I was born here, I don't complain, but all I want to know is how to be happy and do what you like, even in this society. Everything moves, things change, never stay the same, never. We live in a cycle consisting of days and nights, good and bad, happy and sad. I think that we miss balance sometimes. Like, why can't we feel how unbelievable it is to be here and the way we've gotten to all of this. It's starting to be a mess, but still. I feel like my brain is unable to process all of this. I should be thinking about how awesome it is, but I am affected by weird things right now, and all what I know is that I am not really sure about anything. I used to be a very cheerful girl, I don't know when it's changed, but I liked that I am able to think, but it's hard and exhausting. And when it's too much, I have to go away, away from all this. Being back in the city makes it harder for me, but I still can find a way how go into the forest or go to the meadow, where nearly no one is going to find me.

I'm watching movie with my parents, I feel like this is too much. But I can't convince myself that going outside about 90 minutes before darkness comes is a good idea. After 20 minutes I stand up and say that I am going outside. I never tell where I am going because I'd feel like they are watching me. I need to be alone. I have to walk about 10 minutes through the city to reach the meadow which leads far far away. Being finally in the safe distance means for me to be at least that far away that the way back would take more than 15 minutes. I am walking by the forest where many gardeners have their sheds. Anyone can follow me, because yeah, I know, going outside, alone is not s very smart idea, but I do it anyway. I feel lighter, but my brain is never able to think in a normal way. Actually, I am not really sure what is normal.

I am finally at the path leading, I don't really know where, but there's a fence at it's end and a farm. I go there only when I feel complicated. Last time, I went there alone in October when many things didn't make sense and I started crying in school. It was so overwhelming. I lied to the grass and closed my eyes trying to feel the presence of the World. I started crying, I was alone and unable to find out, what to do next, so I did nothing.

Now, I am there again, the sun is setting, the sky is orange and I can see the first stars in the distance. I can't sit to the ground, because it's cold outside, but I keep standing. I look to the hill which is getting covered in the fog. That usually happens in the evening. I am here, finally alone. But what to do with it? I am not sad due to the loneliness, I am sad, because I feel less lonely than in the world down there in the city. I have people who I like, but spending time with someone else makes me feel bad, I just can't control myself, I run away in my thoughts and just soullessly stare. I am losing my friends, slowly. But back to my walk. I can see the whole city from this place and I feel like I don't fit in there. The life goes forward even without me. No one knows where I am... Not really. I forgot that I am sharing my location with my sister and I am hundred per-cent sure that she's gonna have a look at where I am and even my parents are. I am not really divided from the people there. I am just standing, looking to the sun which is setting. I decided to let the darkness come and just then go back. I want to see lights down in the city being turned on, headlights of the cars in the distance. It's a different perspective. But the fact, which I find pretty scary is that I am here totally alone. No one from those people has gotten the same idea. Idea to go outside, to go away to feel more present, to get lost to get found.

I am walking up the hill, but I don't need my headlamp yet. I know, that up there, there's a bench on which I can sit for a while and be looking around and not wasting that much energy. I haven't eaten much today so it's quite irresponsible decision during the "recovery" which I mostly ignore during these days. I see the bench, finally. It's still not too dark outside. I sit down and I am tired. Really tired. When is this going to end? All those questions, all those insecurities, the feeling that I am not enough. When?

I can see the lights. I feel like I am free, but I am not. I am me, but I am not. I am here, but I am not. It always has to be so complicated, because that's how I like it. A t least I am trying to compel myself to like my life as it is. I have everything, but I still need to go away to find what I miss. I've promised someone that I am not gonna do it again, but I can't stop. The darkness has finally arrived and has brought someone with her. The fog. I feel like I to get lost in it. Not forever, but till the moment when I am gonna be able to find myself again.

I stand up and start to slowly walk down the hill. There's a mud everywhere. I have met only few people today, but I see that someone is in the shed like 50 meters away and the feeling that the person might be watching me is the biggest reason not to stay there anymore and slowly go home. I decided to walk under the bridge, where is pure darkness and then have a little walk through the city. I see some weird people there, but no fear appears. I am only careful to not give them chance to kidnap me. Why would they anyway? I am not enjoying the atmosphere of the night city, but It's still some time for me to finish my thinking ritual. No conclusion yet. I see my home, the light in my sister's room, well, I guess that being outside for two hours is enough. I open my pocket, take out the key and open the door. I am back in the reality.

What has this given to me? Nothing, I am only getting more and more confused, I've burnt some calories so I am planning to sabotage my goal of getting rid of ED and I haven't spent time with my family, so I am damaging my family's wealth as well. Yes, I am selfish. And conclusion?

In conclusion, there are many things which I like, there are many people who I love, admire and so, but there's also me. The only person over which I am in charge every single day, but I still repeat all those dumb mistakes. Doing things which don't help me. How am I supposed to continue living like this?