Me and that's it

Smile can hide many things

We could call this week "back to school week" as well, because after the winter break, I had to wake up in the morning again and open a door to that wonderful institution placed at the top of the main city square. I feel tired, but finally not due to the surrealistic things making a theater play in my head, but because of the tests, which we are writing in the school. Such a lovely place. Actually, I don't feel that tired because I decided to drink a cup of coffee after a quite long time, to be able to study at least tiny little bit. I feel like I'd maybe be able to fly, but that's too much. I am not a wizard, I guess.

It's weird to be back again. After two weeks meeting only people who I want to meet. I have to be part of our class and have talks with my classmates because that's what normal people usually do. But nothing is only bad and I've found out one, very important thing and that is that I am less down, when I have more people around me, who don't give me space to think. So the start of the school has maybe saved me from hiding me into myself. It's like a game. How long are you able to stay positive? How long can you see yourself as a valid person, as a person who deserves to live and live happily? I am right in this moment losing this game, it's better, but I know, that I could have done more for the recovery, for the whole process of finding myself again. I have friends, that is very important because I have been kind of struggling with this for a loooong while. Well, in connection with friends, I know I maybe wouldn't have been here without some of them.

As the day is going forward and I am getting back into my awesome routine of waking up and going to sleep, I think about all the things which have happened to me. They aren't only negative, but I am not really able to think positively about them. I catch myself quite often that I don't pay attention in school, because I am somewhere away and I hardly ever know, where exactly.

We are having a German lesson and our teacher comes with a paper full of tasks and questions about the previous year. What are our achievements, what are we proud of, and so on. I look into my friend's eyes and we instantly start to laugh. Our teacher is asking us twice, what is so funny about it. I say it in German: "Das ist unser Geheimnis." And we continue laughing. It's nearly impossible to stop, because we both know that our year was quite tragic and all we can do instead of crying is to smile. Well, smile can hide many things. The teacher knows something because crying in school is usually noticed. But I think that filling a paper with those private information is somehow too much, so I am mostly writing about my academical achievements. That's me. I want to be perfect, unfortunately, that's a history.

Again, having friends is awesome. Sometimes, we hurt each other, sometimes we fight, but those moments, when we laugh together, when we fulfill our dreams together, that's an unbelievable feeling. Sharing our feelings, knowing we are not alone in this gigantic and chaotic World. This could be one of my reasons why it is worth it to go forward.

It is okay that I am not near the finish line, it's okay that I've been walking backwards for a while.

I am repeating my mistakes, yet I am unwilling to stop. I've made a deal with my friend that we are going to work out at home three times a week. I couldn't compel myself to even do a few squats, because I was excessively working out during the the times, when anorexia was my best friend. It's kind of scary for me, even though it's more than a year and a half ago. I've decided to try it anyway. It is tiring, but it feels freeing. And that's not good. My mum has noticed that I am eating less and having more movement than before. And I lie that I have it hundred per cent under control. I do not, but it's important for me to start moving again, but I also know that I have to start having my calorie intake under control. That is the hardest part. While I am exercising, I see myself in the mirror, today, I had a feeling that I want to break it. I saw that I've gained weight and my whole body doesn't look the way I'd have wanted it. It's hard and I am losing will to fight against it. But I still go forward and stand on my own two feet. It's not perfect, it's affecting my mood, my self-confidence, my ability to pay attention. A pretty cool thing is that I can hide all this frustration behind a smile. And laugh like my life is the best comedy ever, at some point, it is.

I am having fun right now. Trying to figure out, how can I smile because of normal reasons and not only on the list of my achievements from the last year or the list of resolutions which are only covering the surface of all my deepest intentions.