Depraved

Chanyeol Makes An Appearance

Jisung lay awake for a long time.

"Minnie?"

Just when he was sure the elder was asleep, Minho twisted around to look back at him. "Mmm?"

"Can we talk?"

"It's early Ji'. Might be 10 or 11."

"I was just trying to be... close to you again. Wasn't trying to get anything out of you like that."

"... I know."

There was still something there. Filling up the spaces between them- making them solid and strange.

"We never... talked about it."

His shoulder bumped up a little against his ear. A warding off gesture. A movement as protective as it was useless. "I don't really want to."

But the words were eating him up inside. "Minho? Can I open the curtains? Can we... just go over a few things?"

He could tell how much he wanted to say no, but he just sighed and sat up, letting the thick comforter flop off his shoulder.

Jisung jumped to his feet, only opening the curtain halfway since it had become so bright outside. They both squinted, sitting on the mattress, facing each other.

"Do you remember the last time?"

"Yes." Spoken like he was straining. Like the word was burning his tongue.

"I don't... regret us Minnie. We were good. You were good to me."

"You're talking about when... those times that... Chanyeol...?"

Jisung nodded. "But the last one. After I..."

"I remember." Minho cut him off.

"Please. I want to talk about it. I need to make sure..."

"What? Make sure of what? That I hate myself for it? Of course I fucking hate myself for it. I should've stopped him before."

How could he think such things? "And just how were you going to do that?"

"I mean... I should've stopped him earlier. I was just afraid. I knew what he'd do. What could happen. I'm sorry I was being such a coward. I love you Jisung, but I didn't act like it."

"Yes you did! And I love you too."

"People don't rape the ones they love. You know that, right? I mean, the amount of times I... participated... in his... torture I-" He was shaking, squeezing his own biceps hard enough to bruise them.

Jisung sucked in a breath. "You didn't. Honestly Minnie, you can erase that from your mind right now and forever. I wanted you. Always wanted you. So don't think like that. I knew you only had two choices."

Minho shivered, rubbed at his temples. "I... wanted you too."

"Really? I kind of felt like I was forcing myself on YOU most of the time." Minho never said it, but the worry had always been there, and Jisung had always been too afraid of the answer, so he never asked.

The elder blinked slowly. "You weren't. When it was just us... I needed the- I needed it too."

Tenderness crashed through him, and some of the guilt slipped away- but not all of it. It was good to talk through things. Good to talk to Minho again.

"I kissed Hyunjin." Jisung blurted before he could stop himself.

Minho shook his bangs back, staring at him. "You kissed him?"