Newtmas Oneshots ^~^

Letters to the dead

Tw: talk of Self Harm

Dear Newt,

You left. Why?

You died. Was it because of me?

Your note said otherwise. I don't fully believe that I wasn't a partial reason.

God, Newt. I miss you. So much. It hurts. Like, physically hurts. Some days I can't get out of bed because I know you won't be there. As you'd say, it hurts like a mother. I miss your smile. You hated every part of yourself, I get it, I'm full of self hate too. But you'll never know how much your smile meant to me. It was like the sun itself. So, so bright it could light up an entire room. It did. Many times. Every time Minho dragged us to a party, you'd hide behind me then you'd eventually come out of your shell. We'd talk to people. You'd make people laugh, smile. Then you'd go get us a drink, and the people would tell me that you have a beautiful smile. I'm still waiting for people to tell me something I don't already know. I know how beautiful your smile was.

I miss the little things.

How I'd wake up late on a Saturday morning, you'd always have coffee for me. How you'd always, always, know when something was bothering me, you'd never push me to tell you. You'd just let me know you're there. I miss your laugh, it was like a bell, not a church bell, but a bell that'd be on the front desk of a hotel, the light, tinkly ones. I miss your scent. I know, it sounds weird, but my God, I miss your scent so much. It was...warm, a mix of coffee, grass, pencil, lime and cinnamon. The best kind of scent I've ever known.

I miss you.

I miss your golden hair, your big, brown eyes, your gentle smile, your kind laugh, your caring personality, your slim arms, your hands that always fit into mine.

I miss you so goddamn much.

It really, really hurts.

I remember finding the blade in the bathroom. It was in your drawer, in a box of tissues. I knew something was wrong, I should've found it sooner. When I did, there was a stain on it. A stain of your blood. I froze. I actually froze. You came into the bathroom and I slowly turned around, holding it. I could tell you'd been crying again, but you thought I was at work, I decided to surprise you and come home early.

You froze and I looked at you and I saw you'd rolled up your right sleeve, the white scars shattered me, you were going to cut yourself again. I hated seeing you like that but I didn't know what to do. I heard something about impulse, I didn't want to trigger one. I put the blade down on the sink, you were still frozen. I took your hands in mine, I begged you to talk to me, to tell me what was wrong.

You suffered from depression.

For four months, you didn't tell me.

You didn't want to worry me.

It was my job to worry about you, Newt, I loved you, I still do.

You broke down in front of me. You couldn't stop the tears, I didn't try to. I just held you, you held onto me, like I was your lifeline. You were mine, that's for sure. My heart broke like a fragile, glass vase, into a million little pieces, it would take ages to put back together.

You'd hate me now, because I've started hurting myself, a little bit everyday, because you're not there. It's hurts so fucking much. Missing you, it's like my soul has been ripped out of me, leaving a broken, empty husk with little to no purpose. I want to feel your arms around me again. I love you,

Yours, and forever yours,

Tommy XXX