𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤. ʀ. ʟᴜᴘɪɴ

forty-four

Evangeline knelt in front of a small grave under a tree in Remus' backyard, face still as she draped the necklace Mary gifted their daughter for when she would be born. 

Would. 

She rested her forehead against the stone, "you were bigger than the whole sky," she whispered.

Remus stood behind her, watching as tears slipped from his eyes. It felt like that was his permanent state, sick with sorrow. 

Over the next month, Evangeline hardly moved from bed. They got visits from friends and family, all of whom brought letters and flowers, but it all meant nothing to Evangeline. 

"What can we do?"

That question was starting to anger her. 

They can't do anything. They can't bring her back. 

Remus felt helpless. Evangeline had drowned herself in guilt and shame and nothing he was doing seemed to help. 

"She hasn't come out of the bedroom in a month. Pads, I don't know what else to do. Every time I talk to her she just ignores me, she hardly eats, doesn't go outside... I want to start, healing, from this but she's shut herself down and I don't know how to get her back."

"She's grieving."

"I know, so am I. It's just... I want to help her but it just feels like nothing I'm doing is helping. Asteria has visited a few times and even she can't get through to her."

"I don't imagine that wrench could," Sirius scoffed, "you've been looking after yourself, right?" he slowly asked. 

"I have to if I'm going to be looking after her," Remus sighed, "I know we both are grieving, we both lost a daughter, but I know it's different for her because she was the one carrying Hope. She thinks it's her fault, blames herself for not calling Lucy when she woke up feeling poor that day... I worry she's never going to see it differently."

"This sounds familiar," Sirius said, sitting back in his chair as he looked over at his best friend across the table.

"Familiar?"

"When you accidentally attacked Evangeline. You blamed yourself and pushed her away despite her insisting she didn't blame you and held no anger towards you. What'd she do after that?"

"Gave me time. I still blame myself, though."

"But you've gotten better. She gave you time but was always there. That's all you can do."

He nodded as he looked down into his half drunken cup of tea, "I know but... I need her too," he said as tears welled up in his eyes, "I need her with me to get through this and she's not. And I hate how selfish I sound for saying it but it's true."

"I know it's not the same, but you can talk to me."

"It's not the same," Remus quietly repeated, "I just want to hold her and tell her it's okay but she just won't have it. I've seen her look at herself in the mirror with that look of self-hatred that I know far too well, I've never wanted her to feel that way and she does. She's punishing herself for something that was out of her control."

"There's no way for us to understand what she's feeling, but the best you can do is be there when she needs you. She does need you, Moony. Even if it doesn't look like it."

There was a knock at the door and Remus didn't bother to get up. He just waved his wand to unlock the door. It opened up, and the sound of heels clicking sounded through the house, a sound Remus had become familiar with. 

"Is she still in the bedroom?" Asteria asked, removing her coat and gloves as Sirius glared at her. 

"She is," Remus quietly said. 

Asteria glanced at Sirius before disappearing into his and Evangeline's bedroom. 

"So that's the wicked witch of the west?" Sirius asked bitterly.

"She's not all bad, a little... emotionally unavailable? Yes. She could be worse. At least she hasn't completely abandoned Evangeline through this."

After a few minutes, Asteria emerged from the bedroom.

"Not talking?" Remus asked.

"No," Asteria stiffly answered, looking to Sirius, "you're Orion and Walburga's son," she commented, "I'm surprised we haven't met by now."

"Wish we kept it that way," he muttered, "what, were you and my mother the best of friends?" he mockingly asked.

Asteria walked into the kitchen, making her cup of tea, "I always found your mother to be a bit bitchy, and that's coming from me."

Sirius looked up at her surprisingly, "y-you didn't like her?"

"We went to school together, same house. We weren't enemies but I can't say I was her biggest fan, not much changed when we got older. I've never considered myself to be a thoughtful person, but that woman was downright heartless," she said, taking a sip of her tea. 

"Why are you all the sudden deciding to care about your daughter?" Remus found himself asking with more venom in his tone than he intended. 

She sighed lightly, taking a seat at the table with the two. She cleared her throat gently, "every daughter needs her mother through times like these. I've always cared about Evangeline, but I've also known that she's never really needed me. Not really until now."

"She has needed you and you pushed her away."

She sighed, "I've pushed her away from the life that shamed and broke her spirit as a child. From a life that forced her to have to do double work to earn the respect of her colleagues, pushed her away from the life that made people inclined not to trust her because of her family."

"She's still your daughter," Remus said.

"I've had my reasons to distance myself."

"I think you pushing her away and being so harsh has done more harm than good," Remus snapped as Sirius' eyes flickered between the two. 

"I'm glad she's found someone like you, Lupin. Damien damaged her in more than one way and I was not sure if she would put her trust in a man like that again. When I heard about you I didn't know what to think, I was worried the same thing would happen all over again. But upon seeing you with her now, not leaving after everything that's happened... you've earned my respect."

He took a sip of his tea, "she's not damaged."

"If you say so."