𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐅𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐁𝐀𝐁𝐘 - high&low the worst: x cross

TWENTY ONE

—[ t r u s t f u n d b a b y ]—
}{
{ i can't help be wrong
in the dark 'cause i'm overcome
in this war of hearts.
i can't help want oceans to part
'cause i'm overcome
in this war of hearts }
war of hearts; 02

c h a p t e r t w e n t y o n e
「 t r u s t f u n d b a b y 」
}{

Gigi cut her hair. Kōhei said he liked it long so she cut it short. She hated it. She hated everything, she wanted to change everything.

Kōhei said he liked her hair long so she cut it short.

Gigi hates endings; the endings of movies, the ending of a series or novel she invested herself in, the ending of an art project she poured her heart into. She thinks the inevitable ending of her and Kōhei's takes the cake though, the creme de la creme of endings, the one that sits at the tippy top of her shitty, neverending list. There was always something deep inside her that just knew they wouldn't last but that didn't mean the breakup didn't hurt.

She wants to say something so badly and thinks she finally understands what people say when they tell someone their unsaid words are trapped in their throat, almost choking them. It's in no way hard for a functioning person to pick up a phone and shoot a text, but when you're a teenage Japanese girl who's wearing fresh heartbreak like a badge contemplating sending a text to an ex whose contact name you never bothered to change, maybe it is a bit hard.

Maybe if she really wanted to, she could. She could pick up her phone, open iMessage, and at least cuss him out for cheating on her and breaking her heart but the option seemed a little embarrassing more than anything.

But embarrassment aside, she wants to protect herself, it's the only rational thing to do in this situation. If she sees the text message go green inside of blue paired with the red lettering on the screen beneath the text, Gigi feels she might just rip her own skin off.  It's very obvious that Kōhei does not feel as torn up inside as she does, considering he'd been cheating this whole time. But despite that, the mere thought of rejection is enough to send a fresh wave of hurt over her, and her hands can't stop shaking as she pulls the strings of Kōhei's hoodie she still had tighter.

The ending was expected, but not welcome. Kōhei breaks things off with Gigi through an overheard conversation and a terrible confrontation by her along with a thrown glass of wine, and she doesn't know whether to feel hurt that he couldn't at least call after the situation to say the painful words in a proper way or to laugh in some morbid way because Gigi knew it was coming.

Little explanation is offered by Kōhei's best friend when after 2 weeks of running from her feelings and after that whole breakdown with Reiji, she finally returns home from Todoroki's place. Ryo told her Kōhei just used her, needing her for a bigger plan that even Ryo didn't know. Ryo told her Kōhei thought she was childish, stupid, immature and adopted not born rich, not at all sugarcoating what his friend said to at least cushion her fragile feelings but she figures Ryo doesn't want to be a lying bitch like his best friend so he just spilled everything word for word like vomit keeping a blank face.

A bitter feeling fills up Gigi's mouth and she almost wants to run to the toilet and throw up, but she swallows it down. Of course, it was her fault things went sour like usual, wasn't it? It was always Gigi who was immature, always her who didn't want to make any changes, and always her feelings that didn't matter. Was she protecting herself from the start? Possibly, but she couldn't find herself feeling bad for herself. She likes familiarity and the safety it provided.

(it wasn't like that, Gigi knew she was the one who changed for him but being mad at herself for being the cause of the end felt better than being mad at herself for even going through all of that or being mad at Kōhei for cheating and using her for whatever stupid reason)

But the familiarity is too comfortable now, so two weeks after her least favourite ending thus far, Gigi cuts her waist-length black hair short around her shoulders. It took more hours than she wanted for her to get the short wolf-cut style she wanted and surprisingly her hair feels so soft and new with all the dead ends and more cut-off— for the first time in days, she lets the smallest of real smiles settle upon her face.

Kōhei really used to love her hair, loved how it was always soft and naturally a bit curly, long till her waist. Whenever they cuddled in bed together, lost in their own universe, Kōhei would gently run his fingers through his lover's long hair that never seemed to end, occasionally letting out soft whispers of "I love you". But now Gigi's hair is short, and when she tries to mimic the way Kōhei would card through her hair, her fingers run through too fast due to all the length chopped off, pretending to ignore the fresh wave of heartbreak washing over her.

It wasn't enough of a change though, she felt the intense urge to do something more. She could dye her hair, go a shade of purple. The same shade of purple that would paint her skin after the rough nights she used to have with Kōhei that lingered on her skin and made her hide in shame under hoodies.

To dye her hair without ruining it, she'd have to go professional, but something made her not want to. Gigi didn't think she'd be able to go that far. So instead she gets two new upper lobe piercings. It wasn't drastic but she felt better. The light pain in her ears stopped her from grabbing shitty bleach and just going blonde.

Deep down Gigi thinks that things will never be okay again, but at least she can pretend.

Gigi changes her perfume from Chanel Noir to Burberry Touch. Gigi washes all her clothes that smell like Kōhei's Giorgio Armani cologne and swears off the brand itself because it was Kōhei's favourite. She takes down the pictures of him hung up around her room and finally replaces them with the ones of her friends in SWORD. Gigi switches her coconut-scented body wash, shampoo and conditioner for rosemary-scented products. She rearranges her room and puts in new decor. Gigi changes her sheets and feels like a new person.

(Gigi still hasn't gotten herself to throw out or wash the pillows in her bed that seem to be embedded with Kōhei's peppermint aftershave)

Gigi often wishes things in life had a refresh button, or that things would be shut down and start up brand new like a laptop did when you held the power button down for too long. unfortunately, things never work out in her favour, and that's nothing more than a faraway impossibility.

She changes things and changes them again for good measure, stuck in a rinse-repeat cycle, and nothing gets better. Kōhei is supposedly happier without her, while Gigi clings onto the things Kōhei hasn't picked up yet, the hoodies and all the little notes, the scent of his Armani cologne and peppermint aftershave giving her too much comfort, hoping he forgets to ever come and pick them up or to send Ryo to come and get his stuff for him, or at least she hopes Kōhei will at least let her keep them all to remember him by.

Kōhei said he liked Gigi's long hair so she cut it short.

(yet after all that, she still wasn't able to take off the fleur-de-lis necklace)

With kitchen scissors and new piercings, Gigi hopes to forget anything Kōhei ever said about her.