Diaries

Chapter 9

I had never been kissed before, though with how the substance fogged up my brain I couldn't process it. Before I knew it I had leaned in closer to Leo, noticing the light had left his charmingly boyish eyes... I could only wonder if so did mine. I could no longer hear my mind, but it was as if I could feel my heart more instead. It beat heavily against it's prison of ribs, as my lips softly landed against his.

I could feel us both begin to smile against each other's lips. I peeked one eye open, seeing him do the same. He laughed and so did I. His hands wandered to my knee which sat fixed against the tar. Our lips broke apart as we studied each other, though all I could see were the flashing of lights behind him along with blurs of colors. His hands began to wander more, and more... until he was nearly up my t-shirt.

I shoved him off and he looked at me with surprise.

"You know, what's your problem, huh?" He asked.

"What's your's?" I snapped.

"We just kissed... I thought-"

"Well clearly we weren't thinking the same." I wiped my nose with the back of my hand, feeling the drip of the pill I snorted finally go from my nostrils down my throat.

"I don't know what I as thinking. I'm going to bed, I'll sleep good high. Gotta get to bed early before the looney lady the next building over starts screaming in the mornings... she's my alarm clock." Leo hopped up.

"Wait." My heart began to ache in my chest, imagining going home just like that... and facing Swifty again. Not to mention not even knowing where my mother was or had been for days. My breath began to increase so stadily Leo could see  the rise and fall of my chest. He just looked at me, confused, still.

"Please..." My voice failed me, cracking.

"Jess, what's wrong?" He asked.

My mind immediately shut back on, and every channel was everything I didn't want to go home to, and it was endless. I gathered the words to say, without saying too much.

"I ... I have no where to go tonight. I was just wondering if... if we could spend the night together, as friends." I rubbed my elbow as the wind picked up speed, slapping my bare skin and giving me goosebumps. I pulled my box of cigarettes from my back pocket, offering Leo one by sticking it right in his mouth so he could stay and smoke with me.

"Look I... I'm not allowed to have girls over, yet..." He disclosed, then suddenly falling embarrassed, "even though I have."

"You have?" I asked, unimpressed, lighting the cigarette in my mouth, then lighting his for him.

He pushed his hair back, it looked like he was sweating. I laughed a little, "it's okay, relax." 

"Okay well I haven't but I totally could have." He cleared the air, chuckling.

I reached out, tousling his hair with my hands, causing him to blush, and in return, causing the same for me,

"Why are you so funny acting?" He asked.

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged before puffing his cigarette, "a pretty girl wants me to be with her all night, but doesn't want me to touch her, at all. Only she can touch me."

I couldn't help but giggle.

"Alright well I'm gonna get some stuff and I'll be right back. Stay here, I don't want my mom to freak out, that lady's been buggin a lot lately." He started down the ladder.

I was thankful enough that he'd stay with me for a night, I didn't bother to tell him how freaked out I was from sitting on the roof all by myself... but at the same time, there was a calm to this starry night. Everything below me was so small, and for once, I was big. None of the noise,  none of the chaos... could touch me, from up here.

I took a seat back down, looking out at all the other roof tops, wondering if I'd see anyone else like us.

I didn't.

That reminded me, that while I had Leo for a night, I was alone. I couldn't help but replay what my father had done back at home. No matter how many times I tried to get it out of my head, I could not. It was scary, and painful, the hauntings of this memory thus far. I beat my head with my fists, begging the silence of being alone to be louder. I wanted to hurt myself, I hit my head harder, and harder. Tears began to stream from my swollen face all the way to my lips where I could taste them... like the ocean, the salty water crashed and beat my face in waves.

The drug... was wild. I soon found myself wallowing on the dried, blackened tar. I looked all around me, still only seeing the lights that shined my way from the distance. Time felt endless, and Leo was still not back. 

Did he leave? 

And just at the thought, he returned with a backpack on his back, and a couple of rolled up throw blankets tucked under his arm. As he landed on the rood he hurried over to me, lifting me up by my under arms like a small child, even though I was nearly his size myself.

"What's the matter?!" He asked, "look if it's the pills don't worry it doesn't last too long, just like... til the morning." He said nervously.

"No, I'm okay... I'm okay... I just need to lay down, right here." I mumbled. Leo laid flat on his back beside me, handing me a blanket. My back against the ground was cold, but my body couldn't tell... I struggled with the blanket, my motor skills impaired by the height of my high.

Leo was just the same, though he held himself together slightly better as he was more experienced. He helped me with the blanket, his hand grazing my thigh by accident. I gasped and lept back, the flashbacks of Swifty still ever present in my mind.

"I'm sorry." He looked at me.

There was a silence between the both of us in which we were so eager to break but didn't quite know how.

"Jessica?" Leo took lead.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sure you're just as beautiful under all those big clothes you wear, as you are everywhere else. I don't know if that's why you freak out... every time I touch you, or not."

No boy had ever said anything so kind to me, before. He leaned in and kissed me softly on my cheek, then again, and again... I soon felt his lips next against my neck. 

"Leo, please..." I fought back tears, not yet ready to talk about it.