Diaries

Chapter 21

Never did I ever imagine I'd share a kiss with a man old enough to be my father. As I stepped away, so did Tom.

"Look... you can stay here for tonight, but we can't ... we can't do this, Jessica. I'm sorry." He sighed, "you can sleep in the guest room, okay? It's getting late. I'll call you a taxi and get you home in the morning."

"You don't like me?" I asked. My heart didn't want him to, but I yearned for immediate affection from someone. Anyone.

"Jessica, you are a very beautiful girl—"

"Woman." I corrected.

"You're still in school—"

"But—"

He placed a finger to my lips, quieting me.

"I don't want to hear another word about it." He walked out of the room.

My feet felt locked to the ground as I stood there, as if I were standing in quicksand. Looking all around, I was left wondering what I had just done.

My legs were heavy as I made my way to the living room, seeing Tom put on his coat.

"I'm going to step out for a while. Make yourself at home."

I nodded, feeling stupid as he turned his back to me to open the front door.

"Hey Tom?" I asked.

He turned slightly.

"I'm sorry..." my voice cracked solemnly.

"It's quite alright, you're just lost, is all... I understand very well, and that's why we can't do this."

He walked out. Leaving me with the entire luxury apartment to myself.

Even though I was weak at the knees, I couldn't help but roam... Imagining if it all were mine, like it once was my mother's.

Why hadn't I just acted right while she was here? Then I could have moved in with her...

It wouldn't matter how she treated me, Tom would have always taken up for me...

Now you're back with her, Swifty, and no Leo...

But without Leo, you would have never found her...

Leo...

I couldn't silence my mind, looking towards the couches at where Leo and I once slept.

I then looked over at the table, where Leo and I sat and had dinner for he first time with Mother and Tom. I couldn't breathe through my nose from snorting substances. I wiped it with the backside of my hand, sniffling and pushing my hair out of my face.

I went to the phone, whispering Leo's number to myself again and again before dialing it.

It rang...

And rang...

And rang...

"Hello?" It was him...

I remained silent... my heart dropped, beating quickly.

"Hello?!" He repeated, he sounded stoned still, of course.

I finally spoke up, "hey..."

There was a silence between us.

"... Jess?" He asked.

"It's me..."

"Hey Jess..." he mumbled, "I... I'm sorry for today. I feel really bad... can we meet up?"

"I... I'm not home." I sighed.

"Where are you?" He asked. He sounded so lost and confused, as if his high would never let his feet touch the ground ever again.

My heart sank, knowing how he'd feel after I told him before I even started, "I'm ... at ... Tom's." I mumbled quietly.

"What're you doing there?!" He asked, his tone uneasy.

As guilt washed over me, I didn't speak.

"Hello?!" He asked.

I cleared my throat, "well... I don't know. I just felt really bad and out of place after I saw you, and you forgot my birthday and broke up with me, my parents didn't even care that it was my birthday, and I just felt so shitty—"

"That you went to Tom's?!" He shouted.

"He's always been so nice to me, I just wanted comfort... I shouldn't have come here though, I regret it." I couldn't fight back the tears that swelled in my eyes, nor the cracking of my voice.

"Do you like him?" Leo asked.

"What?!" I snapped as if what had just happened hadn't happened at all... I realized in this moment, that I really was lost.

"Do you like that man?! You're legal now. You could actually be with him if you wanted, and I know he wouldn't pass up the opportunity, no man would. You're beautiful and smart, and funny and unique." His speech slurred as he spoke.

"I don't ... I won't lie to you though, we almost... slept together, but only out of sadness, nothing more—"

"WHAT?!" Leo shouted.

"We didn't do anything though! He didn't want to—"

"So YOU did?!"

"Leo let me explain!—"

"I KNEW you liked him, and I KNEW he liked YOU! He was such a pervert the way he was with you and I could tell from the very start." He snapped.

"I don't like him, Leo!" I found my voice shaking even more than before.

Oh no.

It was happening.

I was going to break.

My heart sank, my body felt heavy, and suddenly breathing became difficult. I was losing everything ... and everyone... for good.

"Then what the hell are you trying to tell me about you and him, Jessica?" His voice cracked, too.

"He turned me away... and I came onto him, just out of sadness and fear of being alone.. you broke up with me... and you're all I've ever had. I wanted something to make me forget, quick... I love you, Leo—"

"Then show me. Where's Tom?"" He asked.

"I don't know... he stepped out, I don't know where he went."

"I'm gonna come over, and you're gonna let me in, and we're gonna rob him while he's gone. I'm sure he has some money stashed somewhere. I can use some real bad." He slurred.

"We can't do that, Leo!" I whisper-shouted as if Tom was around to hear the whole thing.

"Why not? Do you love him more than me? Are you worried about hurting him? Because you weren't worried at all about hurting me." Leo said.

"Leo you hurt me first..."

"I was trying to protect you from me, I'm ... I'm loaded off my ass half the time and I've been around some really rough people. Now you need to choose. Me or him?" He asked.

"You, of course—"

"Then the only answer should be yes."