Diaries

Chapter 5

I don't remember a time I'd ever walked faster. My heart pounded, my legs felt like jelly yet my feet with every touch against the ground felt as though I moved the Earth. I turned around quickly, staring down the darkened streets to be sure of safety.

I stopped at my stoop, staring up at the stairs which appeared to never end. I ran up quickly, pulling out my keys and opening the door. As I walked through the space, my eyes darted all around for my mother and father who usually occupied the living room and kitchen. I grabbed one of mom's cigs from the counter, along with her matches to light it before throwing the pack back down.

The sweet nicotine replacing the taste of Leo's lips made me feel normal again. I went into my bedroom, taking my Walkman from my pockets and tossing it over to my bed. I pulled my jacket off, staring into the mirror at the idiot who looked back at me. How could I not realize that the boys like Leo didn't know how to feel? They cared about three things, basketball, drugs, and getting laid. I guess I could say my dad was right, but I wouldn't dare tell him so.

I continued to watch myself as I blew out smoke, posing like the girls in the magazines who held cigarettes. They had poise, yet edge. I wanted to look like them, like a woman that could play a man's game better than he could...but I looked like a baby. I rolled my eyes and went to the closet, finishing off the cigarette and pulling out my secret ash tray I left stashed on the shelf.

I placed the cigarette, stopping as I began to hear sound...moaning, and a bed springing. I walked closer to my bedroom door, slowly and as quietly as it was possible to be. The sounds grew clearer and clearer...and I was distraught.

I closed my door, sitting down on my bed and grabbing a pillow...clutching as if for dear life as I hugged it to my chest. I didn't understand...how a woman could sleep with a man who didn't respect her, and clearly only stayed with her because she bared his child for 9 months, sixteen years back. I was mad at him, and even more mad at her.

I grabbed for my Walkman, my hands shaking so much it fell straight out of them. I grabbed for it again.

"YES!" This womanly voice was not my mother's...

I froze exactly where I was, listening and waiting for her to speak again, but she didn't. I snatched my Walkman at last and threw on my headphones. I needed a way to drown out the sound, even my thoughts which circled and circled and never left my brain. I didn't know whether to tell my mother or not, and who was this woman?

I waited outside of school for my piece of shit father to pick me up. Looking around at all of the cars that drove down the streets and continued, and finally spotting one that stopped. Swifty's. That's all I now knew him as, whether he liked it or not. I looked both ways before stepping out into the street and heading to the car, getting in.

"Are you coming to practice with me or am I taking you home?"

I looked down at my Catholic school uniform, stupid plaid skirt and knee high socks. I rolled my eyes, looking out of the window, "I guess I can go to practice with you." I mumbled. I didn't want any of the guys seeing me in my uniform, but they knew I wore one anyway and so did they during school.

I couldn't stand to be anywhere near him, I looked out of the window, desperately wishing I'd belonged to a different family. A better family.

"Uh...how was your day?" He asked, filling the silence.

I shrugged.

He didn't ask again. He never cared...I didn't expect him to.

I held onto my stomach, feeling nauseous at the swaying of my body as he made a turn. Remembering I hadn't eaten a thing all day, and I didn't want to...in many ways, I wanted to suffer, and I didn't quite know why. All I knew was that it was the fault of my parents.