Under The City Lights Of Chicago

Chapter 10

I have no choice. Gusto ko sanang mag isa lang na pumunta kina Auntie but Zaiden was too stubborn. Gusto niya talaga akong samahan but he have an exam to do so, kaya hanggang doon lang ako sa may bus stop hinatid.

His gaze still on me. He was hesitant kung iiwanan niya ba ako or hindi. Napairap ako sa kaniya.

"Oh come on Zai! I can do it by myself!" He gently nod. But hindi padin satisfied. "Concerned ka ba sa'kin?"

Natigilan siya. He looked at me intently. At umiling.
"I am not. Okay?" He wet his lips. "I was trying to secure you. I doesn't care you know? My mom would kill me if I wouldn't do this."

I pursed my lips. At umirap. Hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang kumirot ang puso ko dahil sa sinabi niya na 'yon.

He even waited hanggang sa maka sakay ako! Paminsam minsan lang siyang umiimik and that's new! When the bus pulled over in front of us. Igave him a smile and bid him my goodbye.

Pero bago paman ako maka pasok he held my hand.

"Koleen?"

I looked at him. Waiting for his next words.

"N-Nevermind, go on. Have a safe trip" Mapait niyang sinabi ng binitawan niya na ang kamay ko para makapasok. He gently nod na pumasok na ako ng natagalan pa ako ng ilang sandali.

He waved his hand at me, as I sat down. Slowly fading at my sight. Binalik ko ang ang atensiyon sa may harapan.

He's acting weird.

Mahaba haba ang byahe. Kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit napadpad na ang pag iisip ko dito sa tanong na ito.

Can I still fall inlove?

From the things on what my Papa did still haunts me for a very long time. Oo. Nag madali akong magpakasal. I lived together with a stranger whom I just met and marry in a snap. For a personal reason.

Kung siguro sa pinas ko ito ginawa nabansagan na akong madaling makuha ng isang mayaman na lalaki.

Is having that citizenship will be able enough to reason out why I did marry Zaiden?

No.

But I don't wanna go home.

There will be a lot of things that can make me happy besides having that Citizenship.

Yes. There is.

But I can do  things much better when I'm permanent here.

He agreed and so I did. Many times his parents and My aunties asked us about this marriage. Hindi ko alam kung bakita laging sagot ko ay 'Oo' na gusto ko. So is he.

Maybe Zaiden is different than my papa. But the trauma my father gave to me... I can't stand falling inlove with someone. I'm terrified that what happened to my mom will also happen to me. Pinapangunahan ako palagi ng takot. Hindi ko gusto kung ano man ang nangyari sa pamilya ko ay mangyari din sakin.

I din't entertain any guys since then.

Maybe because...

I'm terrified to commit because, boys will  always be boys.

I don't wanna be hurt and will feel the traumatic past, my father let me experience.

But there's something about this marriage. There is something that were pushing me and makes me forget the things that happened to my family.

Wanting that citizenship was in my bucket list, eh hindi ko nga inasahan na ma tutupad. At sa isang kasalan mapad pad.

I heaved a deep breath. As I slowly head out from the transpo. The City of Chicago made me awake from thingking the things that's not in the right place to be think of.