Cry Until You Bleed

54- Final Goodbyes

"I've gotten some reports from the nurses," Dr. Lombardi says on Monday during our daily session. "They've said that you seemed out of sorts all weekend. Is that true?"

I just nod.

"What's going on with you, Ana?" She wonders with a concerned frown.

"It's nothing," I sigh, leaning back in my chair. "I'm fine, really."

"You're fine?" She repeats. I don't want her to worry too much about my mood because I don't want her to think that she has to extend my stay for even longer than it is now because I know that what had happened with Niles a few days ago will make me sad for a little while but it won't hurt my recovery but I also know that Dr. Lombardi won't see it that way. "I thought that we've done a lot of improvement on the honesty front."

"I'm basically Honest Abe," I assure her with a forced smile.

"Ana, what's going on?" She probes curiously as she scribbles something on the notepad.

With a long sigh, I decide that I shouldn't let this debacle with Niles ruin the progress that I've made including my honesty both with the people around me and with myself so I should tell her about what happened. "I guess I kind of had a falling out with Niles. I'm not sure if it could be called that or not but we're apparently not friends anymore so that sucks and I'm kind of bummed about it."

"Did you have a fight?" She wonders.

"Yeah, I guess, but it was a lot more complicated," I shrug. "I don't know but I'm fine. I'm totally fine. I mean, I just lost one of the best friends that I've ever had but that's obviously no big deal- that happens to everybody."

"It's okay to be sad about things, Ana," She assures me. "Ignoring basic human emotions isn't part of the recovery process. It's okay to feel sad, angry, hurt. There is a difference between sadness and depression and the important part of this is that you recognize if you feel sad or depressed and realize how to deal with them as separate feelings."

"Right, I got it," I nod.

"So it isn't a problem right now but it'll become a problem when you feel like you can't get out of bed or you are always feeling tired," She reminds me as if I don't know the symptoms of depression- I've been through that conversation probably over a hundred times with my various therapists. "And if it seems to go that far or it looks like it might feel like it is going in that direction, then that's when we'll address it as a serious problem."

"I'm not depressed about it," I tell her with a positivity in my voice. "I'm sad about it but I'm not depressed, I promise. I'm totally fine."

"Okay, well would you like to say anything more about what happened with Niles?"

I shake my head. "There's not much to talk about that I haven't talked about before. It's the same argument that I had with all of my old friends. He's afraid that he'll do the wrong thing and then I'll try to hurt myself again. It's too much pressure for most people to deal with and I get it. It's just sad a little bit."

"It's understandable for people to feel that way when it's hard for them to understand what's going on. Was this decision just out of the blue for Niles or did something happen?" Dr. Lombardi continues to ask questions which today, seems incredibly annoying. That sounds really silly though considering it's her job to ask me questions but I just don't feel like answering her questions right now. I don't want to think about Niles at all right now and the miserable weekend that I've had.

"I don't know, something might have happened at the dance that made him start having second thoughts about our friendship but I'm not sure what it was," I explain to her. "How much time do we have left today?"