Cry Until You Bleed

9- New Faces

“So, Ana, how was your weekend?” Dr. Lombardi asks me on Monday.

I shrug. “It was fine, I guess, given the circumstances with Johnny leaving and all. Yesterday, all I did was sit around with Renée and Mia and be sad so I guess it was really actually kind of crappy.”

“How do you feel about Johnny’s departure?” She wonders, scribbling something down on her notepad before looking back up at me to listen to my response.

“I think he was a really nice guy and I’m going to miss him. I’m not as messed up about it as Renée is though,” I tell her. “I didn’t really know him for that long, but it’s really good for him that he got out. I’m happier for him than I am upset that he’s gone, I guess.”

“That’s good,” She comments with a small nod. “Now, how are you doing with finding reasons to live? Remember how we talked about that?”

I nod, remembering that conversation that we had when I first got here two weeks ago. “Yeah, I’m not doing so well on that end. I mean, really, why is it so awful that I want to die? Just because it isn’t particularly normal doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. I’m not actually going to die, I just want to die. There’s a difference.”

“Don’t you think that you’ll be much happier of you feel that you’re not only living just for your family? If you can find something more to hold on to, you’ll feel better about living. You’ll be able to focus on more than just wanting to die,” She explains. “Have you thought of anything at all?”

I shake my head. “No. There’s nothing.”

“Well, I just want you to keep thinking about it, okay?” She suggests. “I really do think that it will help you.”

“There is nothing,” I repeat, this time with more force than previously.

“And why do you think that is?” She wonders with furrowed brows as she listens intently to my every word.

“Because whenever I close my eyes at night, I go back to that night. I try to bury it- I try with everything inside of me to bury this memory deep down so that I can never remember it again but I can’t and as much as I try to ignore it during the day, it comes back at night when I’m alone in the dark. There is nothing in the world that is worth that kind of thing. I would rather die than live with this memory burned inside of my skull and there is nothing in the world that would change my mind about that.”

“Do you want to talk about it yet? This memory that keeps haunting you?” Dr. Lombardi suggests.

I shake my head. “No, I’m not going to talk about it. Like, ever,” I tell her stubbornly.

“If you start to talk about it instead of trying to bury it, you will be able to overcome it a lot quicker. Just close eyes, breathe steady, and then tell me what happened,” She says. “Maybe not today but we’ll work up to it. I just want you to keep it in mind and keep thinking about reasons for yourself that you’d want to be alive, alright?”

“Sure,” I nod even though I highly doubt that I’ll be able to think of anything while I’m here in these ugly scrubs and everything around me is plain- boring colors and boring routines. The people aren’t very boring but they aren’t any reason to stay alive for.

“Is there anything else that you’d like to talk about?” Dr. Lombardi asks me.

I shake my head with my arms crossed across my chest. “Nope, nothing’s really coming to mind.”

“Alright, well I’ll see you tomorrow then. I don’t have anything else for today,” She says with a warm smile. “Have a good afternoon.”

“You too, Dr. Lombardi,” I tell her as I stand up and turn around to leave the warm office. I already talked to Penn and my dad earlier this morning so I don’t go for the phone bank, I just go for the courtyard. I see Renée and Mia sitting in the common area playing Uno with a few other people but they’re busy and I want some time alone so I just go out to the courtyard instead of stopping by the Uno table.