Cry Until You Bleed

38- White Lies

I’m a very good liar. I don’t pride myself on this fact or anything but when people ask me how I’m feeling or if I’m feeling okay today, I am able to smile and assure them that yes, I am fine. And yes, I have taken my medicine and I am feeling better. Yes, I did love Alaska. They made me feel so much better. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m always fine. I’m top notch, really.

It’s automatic for me now to lie to people, especially family, when they ask me pretty much anything. I don’t want them to worry about how I’m really feeling and it’s not like they can do anything to help me so it’s just best for everyone if they think that I’m doing just fine instead of knowing the reality of the horror show that is my brain.

So, when Dr. Lombardi has me in her office at the regular time on the Tuesday after my and Niles’ ice cream trip and she asks me this question: “Now, Ana, are you absolutely sure that your feelings for Niles are still completely platonic?” I find it incredibly easy to give her a broad, easy breezy smile and nod.

“Yes. Of course everything is completely platonic. That’s one of the rules, isn’t it?” I remind her as if she needs to be reminded of that fact. “I’m not a rule breaker.”

Of course, I’m not sure if my feelings for Niles are still platonic or not. I’d like to think that they are but he makes me a lot happier than anybody has in a really long time. And I can still feel those little jolts of adrenaline run down my spine every time I think about how close we had gotten on Saturday. I wouldn’t go as far to say that I want to kiss him, but I want to want to kiss him. I wish that I wasn’t so afraid of romantic contact that I coil up at the mere mention of something as crazy as a kiss. But I wish I wasn’t so afraid so that I could kiss him. And for me, that’s as far away from platonic as I have gotten since Trevor Scott.

“I just want to make sure,” Dr. Lombardi tells me, writing something down on her notepad. “Because you know how apprehensive I’m feeling about this whole arrangement now. You two seem to be getting really close which can be good but if it goes too far, if fear that it can be detrimental.”

“There’s nothing detrimental going on here,” I assure her and this time, I’m not lying at all. Maybe I do like Niles non-platonically or maybe I don’t. I’m not sure yet. Either way, though, it’s not detrimental. Dr. Lombardi is afraid that if I like Niles more than I’m supposed to then I’ll get too attached and then eventually, I’ll become obsessed or something because of my “mental vulnerability” and then, if something bad happens like we get in a fight or Niles stops talking to me or something, I’ll off myself. Or at least try to. I know that that’s not going to happen though because I would never get that attached to another human being. Just the thought of it makes me want to vomit. She overestimates my faith in humanity by a long shot. I’ve tried telling her this but she just won’t hear it at all.

“Good,” She smiles.

“And anyway, if you think that we’re getting too close, you don’t have to worry about that anymore. His fall semester started yesterday so he’s going to be a lot busier with school now that summer is over and he won’t be able to hang around that much,” I add with a chirpy smile. “So like I said, there’s nothing to worry about.”

“As long as you’re sure,” She sighs. “How are you doing with communication with your family?”

I shrug. “I talk to my dad or Penn every few days but I still haven’t called my mom or anything.”

“What about your other brother?”

“Peter?” I wonder stupidly. “Oh, I haven’t talked to him since he came to visit. I wish that I could talk to him but I don’t have his number and I know that nobody at home will give it to me so that’s not going to happen, sadly.”