Cry Until You Bleed

20- Awkwardness

“Good afternoon, Ana,” Dr. Lombardi tells me on Wednesday as I enter her office at exactly three o’clock.

I sit down in the chair that I always sit in and offer her a small smile. “Hello.”

“How has your day been going?”

“Oh, it’s been just spectacular,” I assure her sarcastically. “I stared at some walls, played some Jenga.”

She smiles at me but I can tell that she doesn’t appreciate my sarcasm. “I hear that you’ve been making some new friends.”

“Have you?” I raise my eyebrows at her. “I’m not a big fan of making friends, you know.”

“I know that,” She assures me. “Which is why I was mildly surprised when Sophie told me that you’ve been contacting Niles.”

“Oh, yeah. He’s alright, I guess.”

“She seemed pretty worried that you two were talking,” Dr. Lombardi tells me. “But I think that it’s nice that you’re making friends, even if he isn’t the most conventional type of friend to have. When I said make friends, I meant with people inside of the facility.”

“Well, technically, when I talked to him, he was in the facility. He just wasn’t wearing these ugly blue scrubs,” I justify. “Am I in trouble? I didn’t think that I did anything wrong.”

“No, you’re not in trouble. I told Sophie that if you want to keep in contact with Niles then you have my permission. Of course, it’s still her decision if she wants Niles to have contact with you but in my opinion, this is a really exciting breakthrough with you,” She says.

“I know that she doesn’t want him to talk to me because I’m crazy. And I totally understand that and I told Niles that he probably shouldn’t associate with me for that reason but he didn’t care,” I told her.

“Ana, you aren’t crazy. Why do you think that your mental state would be a barrier in your friendship?” She asks me.

I just shrug. “It’s ruined every friendship that I’ve ever had and I’m sure that it’s not going to stop now.”

“I guess we’ll see,” She tells me vaguely. I don’t know what she means by that but I don’t ask because I’m not into vague responses. “Anyway, how are you doing with the list that we’ve been discussing?”

“Ah, yes, the big ol’ Reasons to Live,” I sigh. “You know, I’ve been thinking some more about this and I still think that it’s kind of ridiculous. I really don’t need reasons to live. Everybody wants me to be alive, so I’m staying alive and that’s that. It doesn’t matter what I want.”

“So are you telling me that you still want to die?”

“Of course I want to die,” I tell her. “The only thing I want more than that is for my family to be happy. Which means that I won’t actually do it. Sure, I’ve had blips but they’re not going to happen again. So yes, if I was completely selfish, I’d jump off of a bridge without a second thought but I’m not like that. I can’t even remember the last time that I did something for me. Except slashing my wrists in the bathroom, I guess. That doesn’t matter though, I’m only here so that my family is assured that I won’t be killing myself anytime soon.”

“Ana, you aren’t here just to ensure your life expectancy,” Dr. Lombardi tells me. “I want to improve your life quality as well. Like I said at the beginning, you will enjoy your life much more if you have personal reasons to live. Don’t you want to be alive instead of just living?”

“How can I be alive when I’m trapped in a place like this? I mean, don’t get me wrong, Dr. Lombardi, the people are so nice and the food is relatively awesome but the walls are white, the days are extraordinarily boring. This place is as nice as it gets for a rehab center so I really mean no disrespect but it’s just not really a place to find inspiration for life,” I tell her, trying not to sound rude but also being as honest as I can be.