Healing (KTH, featuring KNJ)

Chapter 27

As promised Namjoon had set up for his parents, Clara, and Taehyung to have dinner together later that week. Namjoon was afraid that Clara wouldn't be confident enough to say what was really bothering her, so he told both his parents and his Taehyung what to expect. He hoped that if she held back, they might be able to draw her out so they could have the conversation that was obviously needed.

Taehyung held Clara's hand in the car, in the parking garage, up the elevator, and was still holding tight when Clara entered the code on the door and stepped inside. Taehyung was excited because he hoped this evening might be the breakthrough he needed to get Clara to understand how serious he was about her.

Before he knew it Taehyung was nearly knocked over by Mrs. Kim as she bustled past him to embrace Clara. Mr. Kim peered around the hallway to check on the commotion. When he saw Taehyung trying to regain his balance using the wall for support he could only roll his eyes at his wife's behavior.

With a snort he went to grab Taehyung's hand to offer extra balance. "Come on in Taehyung-ah. It will be safer over here if we stay out of their way."

The dinner conversation largely revolved around Clara's work and therapy and Taehyung sharing about a tv drama he had recently signed onto. Everything felt light as they enjoyed the delicious home cooked meal.

As the meal neared its end, Mr. Kim broke the topic they had gathered for. "So Clara and Taehyung, how is your relationship doing? Everyone knows relationships take work, and we want to hear more about both what is going well, and where you are struggling."

Clara was picking at a thread on her napkin and Taehyung could tell she needed a bit more time. "I can start with something that is going well. I've been really happy having Clara stay with me at the dorms. It allows us more time together, and gives me more opportunities to spoil her, or at least as much as she lets me. I didn't realize how important it was to physically be in the same space until she started staying with me."

"And one other good thing, I let a few more people at the company know about our relationship. I was really nervous at first, but it has really turned out for the best. Not having to be quite so secretive gives me more opportunities to check-in during long days, and I don't have to be as guarded about what I say when we have short breaks in practice."

Mr. Kim gave a small clap, "That's great to hear Taehyung-ah. I'm not surprised to hear you say that it is easier to be closer together. I imagine it must have been very difficult to spend so much time apart."

Taehyung nodded in affirmation, and then grabbed Clara's hand to give it a warm squeeze.

"How about you Clara? Tell us what is going well." Mr. Kim gently prodded.

"Well, I've been glad that Tae helped me find someone to talk to. I think I hadn't quite realized how difficult the last year and a half were and how much I needed to really take the time to process it so I could let it go. And Taehyung has been incredibly thoughtful in his support of the process. He lets me cry on his shoulder when I need to, offers a listening ear, and sometimes just gives me space to be alone. I've realized it is much easier to face some of my past with Taehyung's support." Clara paused to lean over and give Taehyung a quick peck on the cheek.

"It is wonderful to hear that things seem to be going well. Now tell us about where you are struggling."

Taehyung once again offered to go first. "I feel like Clara is constantly having to work around me because my life is just complicated. I know she says she doesn't mind, but I still feel guilty about how hard she is always working. She not only is working around me, but I know she also has a career and personal interests. And while I'd love to offer to financially support her so she isn't so burdened with both her job and working around my schedule, I know she wouldn't accept."

"Hmm, yes I see what you are saying" Mr. Kim responded then continued, "How about you Clara, what is weighing on your mind?"

Taehyung gave her hand another gentle squeeze, and she found the courage to say what had been bothering her.

"I am so happy to be with Taehyung. He has so many wonderful qualities and I know he cares for me and takes care of me. But..."

There was a long pause as Clara collected herself and wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall.

"But I feel like I'm cheating on Namsoo. It's hard to explain. I know he is gone, but I feel like if I fall in love with Tae, I worry others might interpret that as I didn't care enough about Namsoo. Like he's not that important. And that isn't true at all!"

Looking at Mr. and Mrs. Kim, Clara continued, "I'm especially worried what you and Namjoon will think. I promise you, I really really loved Namsoo. If he was alive I never would have even looked at Tae. But I've never been through this before so I don't really know what to do. You don't hate me do you?" By now tears were spilling down her face as she looked to Mr. and Mrs. Kim for a response.

Mr. Kim spoke first, "Oh Clara, I don't know how we can ever convince you of this, but there is nothing you could do that would make us stop thinking of you as our daughter. We would only leave you if you asked us to."

Mrs. Kim added, "Namsoo was dear to all of us, but he is gone now and we still are left in the world of the living. That is what we want for you Clara, we want you to live. We want you to fall in love, experience having your own family, see the world, or doing whatever else makes you happy. Please do that for us and for Namsoo."

"Namsoo will never get to experience the special joy that comes with growing old with someone. His death really was a tragedy. But to see you also forfeiting your own opportunity for joy would feel like a doubling of that tragedy. Please be open to really allowing someone else into your heart. Seeing you have that opportunity truly consoles us as parents. We could never be upset about it."

At that Clara truly began to weep. She felt a release from the incredible burden that had been weighing her down. And with this blessing, she finally felt she might be able to move forward with the love that she felt Taehyung deserved.

"Clara" Taehyung softly murmured, "I know that you have had some anxiety about being with me. I know we had a rocky start with my parents and my being a part of BTS isn't exactly easy on our relationship. But I need you to know that you are the one that is important to me."

"I've just been waiting for the day I could ask you to become my fiancé because I want you to know how serious I am about our relationship. I won't pressure you, but know that if you would have me, I'd commit myself to you forever. You just let me know when you are ready."

Mrs. Kim gasped, while Mr. Kim's eyes grew even wider. They knew Taehyung was serious, but they definitely were not expecting this. And for Clara, well she hardly knew what to say. Truthfully she did hope for forever with Taehyung. And she also had begun to think about what their relationship might look like in the long term. But she felt like her life was still careening between mountaintops and deep valleys and she needed to get a bit more of a handle on herself before she could be what he would need in a fiance, let alone a wife.

Mr. Kim broke the silence, "Well, now that we've seen where things are at and where they are headed, I have a homework assignment for both of you. We want to see you for dinner again in two weeks. But before that I want both of you to tell the other person what is most important for the other to understand about your expectations for a long term relationship. When we see you in a few weeks expect us to ask you about it."

"And with that it is getting a little late, and I know there is a lot to think about. So Taehyung, Clara, we'll let you head back to the dorms now so you can have a little bit of time together."

With that Clara and Taehyung began to share their goodbyes, eventually leaving the apartment to head back to the dorms. It was a quiet ride home as each considered everything they wanted to say. But both felt uniquely heartened as they imagined starting to create a dream for the future together, instead of simply dreaming of that future on their own.