Healing (KTH, featuring KNJ)

Chapter 77

It was only a few days later, when Clara and the babies had come home, that Taehyung realized parenting infant twins was complicated. Clara seemed to be up constantly with one or the other. When one started crying the other would wake up. Managing diaper changes and dirty clothes was almost a full time job. And his parents were constantly dropping by to "help" with the kids, which was stressing Clara out because she felt she needed to entertain them. By the time evening rolled around Clara would lock herself in the bathroom to shower and cry, and it was breaking Taehyung's heart. As usual, Clara would sacrifice anything for the ones she loved, and the twins were no exception. But Taehyung could see it was wearing her down quickly and they needed a new plan. Both of them were new to parenthood. While they were doing their best, honestly they had no idea what they were doing.

When Clara's parents would come for a visit her mother insisted that Clara take a nap, assuring her that she would take care of the rest. Those brief respites felt far too short, and soon Clara was dragging herself out of bed to check on a crying baby who had nursed only an hour ago but was already seeking her out again.

Even in Clara's exhaustion she was so gentle with the twins, speaking softly and lovingly, and holding them delicately while snuggling them close. But Taehyung could see it was wearing her down.

One day after he came home from work, a bit later than expected, he entered the apartment to hear both boys crying. This was unusual, but even more unusual he didn't hear Clara with them. Quickly making his way through the apartment he found both boys in their cribs and Clara hiding under the covers weeping in exhausted frustration. Taehyung wanted to comfort his wife but knew he needed to get the boys calmed down first.

He quickly worked to change diapers and tried to soothe their tears, but both seemed hungry. He brought the first to Clara and gently helped her sit up so their little cub could eat. After he had quieted down and was nursing, Taehyung worked to calm down his twin enough to give Clara time to feed his brother. Eventually the little cub seemed to have drifted off so Taehyung carefully exchanged him for his brother, putting the now sleeping child into his crib. Then he moved to gently soothing Clara, who still had tears running down her face as she fed their little tiger.

Taehyung was worried about Clara, and the babies for that matter. But even worse, he knew that in just over a month and a half he'd be leaving on tour again, this time for even longer, and to parts of the globe where a quick visit back to see them would be impossible. Based on how things were going, it was going to be very, very rough. And Taehyung knew that once again, he was the cause of the problem.

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The next day Taehyung convinced Clara to take the boys and relocated to her parents' apartment. He thought the extra help might ease her through the transition. But as the day turned to evening, he felt an impending sense of dread. Did he love his family? More than he could possibly express. But he also was totally burdened by a lead weight of guilt knowing that his busy schedule wasn't helping matters. And his upcoming trip was about to send them into a total tailspin.

So as the evening approached Taehyung found Namjoon. "Hey Hyung, I have to go and film tonight. It is crazy last minute, but do you mind going to check in on Clara and the boys for me?" Namjoon quickly agreed and Taehyung sent Clara an apologetic text letting her know he wouldn't be home that night. He didn't really need to film, but he needed a day to get his head on straight because his guilt was eating him alive.

But when one night turned into two, and then to three, Yoongi grabbed Taehyung. He wasn't sure exactly what was going on, but he had heard from Namjoon that Clara was struggling and everyone was becoming frustrated that Taehyung hadn't found time to see his newborn twins for several days now.

Everyone else was scattered working on different preparations for their tour when Yoongi trapped Taehyung in the reception room.

"Talk" was all Yoongi said, while giving Taehyung a stern, knowing look.

"I...I don't know what to say. Honestly I'm looking at where things are at right now Hyung and I think I made a huge mistake. And I don't know what to do about it."

Yoongi gritted his teeth, "What kind of mistake Taehyung-ah?"

"Everything, everything had been a mistake. I found the perfect flower and I plucked it, trying to mold it to fit me, not realizing that I would destroy it in the process. Clara and I haven't been together that long and look at everything that has gone wrong. My parents, her accident, the stress of twins, my impossible schedule. I'm honestly wondering if it was the right decision to marry Clara. Not because I don't love her, but because I love her so much and I'm honestly not sure that I'm the best for her."

"So what now then Taehyung-ah? Are you just going to abandon her after you got her pregnant with twins? Is that really going to fix things? You know you can't go back in time right?"

"I don't know Hyung. I want to do what is best for her, and I'm starting to seriously question whether I'm the best thing for her."

"Taehyung-ah, normally I like to let you figure things out for yourself but you don't have time for that right now. So listen to me and listen well. You need to go home to Clara and the twins tonight and beg her to forgive you for not coming home the last two nights. You are saying that you want what is best for her, but that isn't what you are doing. You are just being selfish. If you don't fix this today I think Namjoon is going to punch you. And honestly I wouldn't hold him back at this point."

"You better make a plan and make a plan fast. And if you even think about leaving Clara as part of that plan, I'd plan to leave BTS too. There is no way Namjoon would ever forgive you, and honestly I think most of us would feel the same way."

"Now go get your things and go home to Clara right now. And I never want to have this conversation with you again, got it?"

"Ok Hyung, I got it. I'll go now."

Taehyung felt totally defeated but he knew Yoongi was right. He couldn't take that out on Clara and the twins, even if he tried to convince himself that he was doing right by them. And if he was honest with himself he missed them desperately. But now on top of everything else he felt too ashamed to show his face to his wife and her parents. He really had no excuse beyond being selfish.

If Yoongi hadn't forced his hand, he'd probably hide for longer. So while he was dreading having to look Clara in the eyes and see her hurt, he knew Yoongi was right that letting more time pass would only make it worse. He hadn't even checked in on her or the twin once yesterday, even via text. What on earth was he thinking?